Do any of you travel without your skids? If so, do you get any backlash?
FDH and I will be traveling halfway across the country next month to visit my family for Thanksgiving. The skids are NOT (oh hell to the no!) coming. They just recently learned that we're going, and skid1 (13 years old) is being a shit over it because it's not fair that we're going without him.
My family lives in a major city with lots to do. The last time I visited was summer 2012, and FDH and the skids came along. It was decent visit, and we did lots of touristy things too, which was super fun and also super expensive. But things are different for this trip. I'd like to spend a holiday with my loud crazy family and enjoy it, not worry about keeping the skids happy and occupied. I want to get up early with my mom and spend the day drinking coffee and catching up, not running all over the city blowing money. I really don't care if FDH comes or not, though I'm looking forward to spending the time with him (it'll be our first couple road trip!). But he wants to so that means the skids will be spending the week at their mom's, not some siberian work camp (which is what you'd think, based on skid1's hissy fit). The point is, for once, this trip will be about me and my family, NOT the skids, and skid1 can't handle it.
My first reaction is to say "Sorry kid. Not happening" and leave it at that, but I could be wrong. Has any one else experienced this? How did you handle it?
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Yes we do. All the time. At
Yes we do. All the time. At least one three day weekend every two months we get rid of the skids, I mean send them to family to spend quality time and develop deep, loving relationships with family.
I am a firm believer in THE COUPLE comes first.
If you and your DH spend all your time playing parents, you forget to be a couple. Forget the couple long enough and there will no longer BE a couple. Do not let the skids guilt you. Here to make you and your DH feel better here is a list of places myself and my DH have gone WITH NO KIDS.
The Bahamas
Key West
Disney
Universal
And yes to see my family.
Reality is: it is OK for you and your DH to have fun together, be alone, travel and not confine yourselves to being slaves to the skiddos.
And yeah, the skids will get over it. They get used to it. And they start to realise that you and dad dont go on pause when they leave and only resume 'play' when they come home... they start to see you as people who have lives.
I am so jealous of your
I am so jealous of your travels! When I was young and single I traveled A LOT, and while I was married to my exH we traveled a bit too... Now though, with me working and in school and FDH primarily having the skids, it's hard to find the time and money. Sigh. Soon (I don't count visiting my family as vacation, but it will be a nice break to temporarily replace some of the skid/bm crazy with my family's crazy).
Only once were we given a
Only once were we given a hard time. The very first time we went away together, SD was 15. She found out a few weeks later and tried to pull the guilt trip on DH and demand to know why she wasn't invited, but DH ignored her. We've never invited her on any trips with us (unless you count taking her to an occasional concert) and she doesn't seem to care anymore. I don't think she knows much about our trips though.
Absolutely. SD6 has only been
Absolutely. SD6 has only been on one vacation with us, when she was 2, and although not a total complete disaster it was a lot of work for a kid that wasn't mine.. and DH was irritated that he couldn't 'hang out' as he had to be daddy.. sorry I didn't decide to bring the kid along!
Ha.. now that we are both parents (have a BS2), we still don't invite SD on vacations, I don't see spending the extra money and putting up with the extra hassle. BM can spend CS to take her places, but does she.. no!
We do get backlash from DHs family and sometimes from SD, why she even knows is beyond me.
Anywho, yes enjoy yourselves.. without your own bios is even more of a reason to always go alone, you are not obligated to take skids everywhere you go.
Your SDs sound like the
Your SDs sound like the worst. I cannot even imagine adults acting like they were entitled to a free vacation. Get over it, sisters.
They kind of sound like my FDH's sister. She is a grown woman (37) who has never had a job for more than a few months and lives off of government benefits and child support. She just cannot handle the fact that their dad is remarried with two teenagers and that he spends time and money on them (umm, hello? They're not adults!) I once watched her have a hissy fit after a family gathering because FFIL was leaving and taking the two younger kids shopping for school clothes. FSIL acted like she wanted to go along and get free stuff too.
what if you're custodial?
what if you're custodial? does that change how you'd handle it?
We are custodial, BM is in
We are custodial, BM is in jail.
We take two vacations a year with the kids. One to distant family for a week. Another 3 day weekend with them during the school year.
That is THEIR time. What we do for OUR time is not their concern. As far as what we do with the skids,
Grandparents
Aunts/ Uncles
Or I will PAY my bios to come watch them for a weekend so I can get a break.
thanks. we're two months
thanks. we're two months into custodial for all 3 skids. have had OSS full time since may. we havent been able to manage a single date night since MAY- well we tried a coupla wks ago and that got shot all to hell...
Dumbass hasnt spent time with them since we got them.
we dont have any extended family who can help. mine's nowhere near here, DH just has his mom (he was an only child) and Dumbass' mom- and they both get them all the time after school until DH gets off work (and DH's mom will only take them one at a time on a weekend-night...)
*sigh* - pity party time
Care.com! We found our
Care.com!
We found our afterschool nanny/tutor on there and LOVE HER!!
dont i wish! OSS and MSS
dont i wish! OSS and MSS should be able to stay home and keep an eye on YSS for a few hours. they're 15, 13 and 10.
they've just all been raised to be totally helpless (thanks in great part to Dumbass and MIL). and DH is Superman.
it's not that they cant stay home for a bit, its that they WONT. it's always something. always a reason he's needed. our last attempt at a date night, we were 30 minutes away from home. the younger ones were w/ their other g-mom. OSS was with MIL, and between the two of them the phone rang no less than 6 times. the phone of course MUST be answered because it COULD be an emergency. OSS needed in the house to get a shirt for school the next day, and neither he nor MIL could find the key we hid for them. i finally said fuck it, just take me home. we were already freaking almost home and they found it. FML.
My DH and I do this all the
My DH and I do this all the time. In fact we have a trip coming up to Vegas. My son will usually stay with my mom and SD will go to her moms. I think it's important to continue "dating" your mate even if you're married.
Eta: yes the kids make comments, but too bad. We plan trips for them as well as alone. It keeps us sane.
No your not wrong. If your
No your not wrong. If your Dink I mean FDH mentions this stupidity again, stop, look him dead in the face and say one of the two sentences below.
"Lemme get this straight, you want to bring another WOMAN on our honeymoon?"
alternately
"Lemme get this straight, you want to bring a CHILD on our honeymoon?"
Use whichever one you think will get through his thick skull the fastest.
Then point out: He wont be getting laid if he is out playing tourist with poopsie
And he wont be getting laid period if there is ANY child within 1000 feet of you during the honeymoon.
Yes we have and yes we've
Yes we have and yes we've received backlash for it.
It's a really fun double standard where if me and fDH travel for fun together once or twice a year, we are being 'stupid and selfish and unfeeling of SDs feelings'
However, when BM does it, 'it's necessary for work.'
Did I mention that she's unemployed? Unless you include the blow job she's giving her boyfriend. But that's what she tells them and us.
F all of them! fDH and I are spending a romantic Thanksgiving alone in a cabin deep in the mountains.
That sounds
That sounds maaahhvelous!!!
when DH did not have custody, we'd take off from time to time. we just didnt tell the kids until after the fact, adn they were otherwise occupied with Dumbass anyway. as they got older, we'd tell them but by then they could reason it without throwing a tantrum.
(we would either do 'romantic' which to them was :sick: or it'd be to visit my family who are all well over a thousand miles away. we cant afford to fly, and skids bitch about any time in the car over 45 minutes - so they all know full well and admit that they just couldnt handle it)
OP- take your time with your family. dont worry about Backlash!!!
Our "family" is made up of us
Our "family" is made up of us and 4 kids -- 2 his, 2 mine. Every year we take a family vacation for 5-7 days and at least once a year just DH and I go somewhere. Just like JHW, we've been to the Bahamas, the Caribbean, Vegas, Florida JUST THE TWO OF US.
My kids don't care one way or the other. His kids (who are very close to being "adults") whine and carry on because their mom has NEVER taken them anyplace..... she promises, then usually about 24-48 hrs before they leave she comes up with an excuse for why they can't go and they end up staying home.
But you know what? I'll be damned if I'm going to take them on one of MY trips just so they can flank their dad and do everything within their power to separate us.
And no, I don't feel guilty about going on a trip once or twice a year without kids. I think everyone (intact family, blended family, whatever) needs to make it a priority to spend couple time away.
Skids thought they should
Skids thought they should have been included in a trip we took a year ago, we didn't discuss the trip with the skids but did tell BM that we'd be out of town. My mother passed and we were going to my home state for the funeral. Skids were upset that we didn't take them with us. They'd never been on a plane, etc. Added bonus, BM texted all the way through the funeral and long drive to the cemetery about some drama with the skids. DH didn't answer and had enough, texted back....at funeral, can your crap wait until after 6pm? Her response: No. FFS...nothing sacred! When her mother passes I am going to text her mindless stupid crap during the funeral! Payback is a bitch!....and so am I }:)
We do all the time. I
We do all the time. I purposely schedule all of our trips when SD is with her BM. It is always for our couple time or to go and see my bios. SD doesn't need to be a part of that. Couple time is just that our couple time. Visiting my bios who are grown and out of the house when SO and I got together is also something she doesn't need to be a part of.
No one has ever said anything to my face about it and god help them if they did }:) SD made a comment one day "you better not do xyz without me" I was floored and SO said nothing. I can't even remember what it was but I told her we make plans and do what we want on our schedule not hers.