Gosh the things people will say is 'for the sake of the kid'.

Yeah, I painted a target on my forhead so BM could shoot her paintball gun at me and relieve her tension...i did it for the sake of SD so she could have a tension free environment. Ugh when does this 'doing it for skids benefit' end?Is it to their benefit to have tense,irritable adults dancing around them all the time?Is it in their benefit to never become familiar with the concept of the word no? I would never have any type of joint party with bm and THAT my friends is for the sake of SD so I don't kill her mother right in front of her }:)

These people are nuts! I read the comment that "kids appreciate their parents being at the same party..." wth ever! I think to this day I'd have a panic attack if my parents were in the same room as each other, and they've been divorced for 15 years!!! Some people are plain nuts.

As far those saying the BF shouldn't have been there...that mentality...not including the new person leads to them being left out of everything. Why is it so important for children to feel like they are all still one big happy family, but it's not important for children to learn to respect the new person's place in their lives?

" I told my then BF (now husband) that if he could not be in the same room with my ex and be civil for my son's sake, then he could hit the road. "
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So, what if the ex-husband was the one who couldn't be in the same room with the boyfriend & be civil? I'm guessing that in more cases than not, the EX is the one who will have bitter feelings toward the new guy & will be scorned. Again...the accountability to play nice all falls on the new guy...

(I'm intrigued by this board now. LOL!)

AND...just because the board isn't a "step board" doesn't mean anything. She posted that like it was relevant. The situation is absolutely step-related, so your comments are just as valid as anyone else's, if not moreso. You're looking at the whole picture.

Kudos to you for taking up for steps! Clearly they are not & will not consider any position other than the perfect BM position.

If they had truly put aside their differences & come together as a family, they'd have all been allowed in the room together where things were going on. If each being in a separate room in the house & staying as far away from each other as possible with alcohol to keep them sane, then yes...by all means, they certainly put aside their differences & came together as a family.

What a joke!

I think it's great to be able to have special events together. My DH and I went to the kids' birthday party not long ago. I have to admit I felt a little awkward, but that's something I need to overcome. I've never seen the kids so excited to have everyone they love there together. They kept talking about how happy they were that mommy, daddy and I were all there to play. It was worth it to see their happiness

DH went to a couple of birthday parties at BM's house. I was never invited/allowed when she had them there.

DH said it was always uncomfortable because all of her family (parents, uncles, aunts, cousins)was there & all the friends they played with & knew from BM's house were invited. His family & the friends they played with & knew from our house were never invited/allowed, so he was the odd man out getting the stink eye from everyone. He would search for opportunities to step outside for a cigarette & couldn't wait for the party to end so he could leave.

He finally told her if his side wasn't welcome he wasn't coming to her house for parties anymore. They needed to either have it somewhere public, where all of the family could come, or they could do separate parties. She opted for separate parties, but then wouldn't let him have the kids on a weekend for our parties with DH's family. When he finally took her to court for contempt she agreed to have the parties at the rollerskating rink where they live. We went several times but it was obvious that there was a divide. It never failed...DH, me, DH's mom & stepdad would end up in a corner while BM & her mom put on the show & the showering of the gifts ritual. The kids would spend next to no time with DH. They'd give us a quick hug when BM had her head turned, & be distant just as soon as she looked back. After the first time, BM complained about having to pay for all of it (which she didn't/doesn't have a penny to pay. It was her mother who put the money out on them.) We offered to pay half, however our money was not worthy of her. I suggested they cover the parties one year & we cover it the next, but then BM acted like she wanted to take it all on for her children. WTF-ever. From that point on, I would go, but refused any cake, ice cream, soda, etc. I wasn't about to give them an opporunity to say that my being there cost them ANYTHING. Once court started getting ugly we started getting un-invited to birthdays, or we'd get invited to one, but not the other which created a whole new set of "unfairness" issues.

If we had it to do again, I'd absolutely opt for the separate parties. That way, the kids can enjoy the company of every family member without being worried about showing one side affection in front of the other, & EVERYONE can rest easy & truly enjoy the celebration with the children.

"Why on earth should children have to accept new step parents? Certainly no requirement that a child has to like the parent's new spouse."
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I pulled this comment from the ruins of the post on the other site. THIS mentality is why so many step-families struggle.

The comments on that thread...with the exception of yours, purpledaisies, sound like the perfect-BM remarks. It's clear that the majority of the posters who commented & argued are not steps. Several of them post about steps that they know, however their remarks about everyone getting along fine & not having any tension at their together parties apply to their comments as well. When they say that even though the OP stated that there was uncomfortable tension, she cannot speak for what everyone else there felt. The same applies to their comments when they state that there was NO uncomfortable tension at the parties that some people they know had. They can't speak on behalf of the people who were actually AT the party, & for those who did attend the party, they can't speak on behalf of what anyone else there felt.

The group sounds like a soccer-mom BM group. As for those who posted their feelings as stepkids, there's no doubt in my mind that they wish they could've had both parents present at their parties. Every child wants that ideal party. However, in many (though not all) cases, they don't realize the ugly discomfort & drama that can come from the combination of hurt & anger coming together in a room full of screaming wound-up children. I don't agree that it's wrong to have combined parties, but by no means do I believe that it's always a good idea.

It's clear that the majority in that group have not experienced life as a step-parent. You were brave to take them on. It was clear, though, from the reaction to your first remarks that they would not be willing to bend or even try to see your POV. For what it's worth, I'm glad you were willing to speak your mind.

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