Venting..........
Just need to vent and get this off my chest so I can go on my way to being disengaged, lol.
SD12 was chosen to play all-star softball. To me this is a committment, both for her and her parents. We have given up many peaceful days at home as well as other activities to sit in the hot sun at ball games. They have an awesome team and have won their way through to become district champions. Which is wonderful. So they will practice for the next week and advance to the next level of competition.
SD was invited to vacation at the beach with a friend. She accepted without a thought to her commitment to this sport. So DH is asking her when she goes to the beach and realizes that it is during this week when they are practicing and preparing for this competition. He and I talk about it and both agree that we feel she has already made the committment to the team and it would be selfish to let the other team members down by ditching to vacation. Surprisingly DH came to this all on his own and I just agreed. But we both knew that BM will let SD do whatever she wants so it doesn't much matter what DH thinks. Keep in mind that Sd has already been on vacation once with us and once with BM this year. Plus several small weekend getaways.
So yesterday DH approached BM about it and let her know how he felt. BM is all agreeing however that doesn't always stand up once she has to be the parent. It's very hard for her, no usually impossible, to say no to SD. DH also layed it out for SD letting her know that it wasn't right to put aside this committment to go on vacation. BM even called the coach to ask him. He told her that he'd be disappointed but in the end it was her choice.
In the end, BM gave SD the decision and SD begrudgingly is doing the right thing. Great !
Now to the part that chaps me.....SD calls DH to let him know what she's decided and he is praising her up and down for doing the right thing. Yes, she did the right thing but now this has become all about how great SD is with no regard to the fact that had she been allowed to do what she really wanted it would have been an extememly selfish decision and let down and entire team of people.
It always happens this way. SD puts herself in these situation because she's allowed to call all the shots and then when she is pushed to make a better decision (instead of her parents actually being parents and making them for her) she gets toted as the hero.
I am disgusted. I keep thinking how different this would be played out with my kids. First, the permission to go on vacation with a friend would only be IF it did not get in the way of prior committments. Second, it would be my decision not theirs. Third, they would not be praised to such an extent for doing the right thing - IT IS EXPECTED ! Don't get me wrong, it's right to acknowledge that they have made the right choice and I tell my kids I am proud of them when I see them make the right choices but I don't roll out the red carpet and bow to them.
I almost felt sorry for SD to have such a choice put on her shoulders. She is only 12 ! of course she wants to go to the beach with her friend. But being a 12 year old adult is hard !
Ok, I'm done and I feel better venting. And now I will be able to sit quietly by, without letting it all go to DH who would only get defensive. thanks you all for being that sounding board !
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I know how you're feeling. I
I know how you're feeling. I too, think it's lame when my SS10 gets over praised for doing the right thing (after we've told him he pretty much needs to do it). Yes, it's good to acknowledge it, but the point is that they learn and make that decision on their own next time.
I know what you mean. I have
I know what you mean. I have to remind my bio kids often that I'm sorry, life is not always fair. They got mean old me for a parent and they have to live by my rules because I want them to grow up to be responsible adults.
Astepabove, I hear you - we
Astepabove, I hear you - we all do. Sigh....
Sometimes I really feel like this entire young generation is being bred(brainwashed) to believe that mediocrity is the norm. Also that laziness and rule-breaking is the norm - and that when they do something that is actually EXPECTED of them, they should be rewarded for it.
I just wanted to let you know that I can relate and that you're not alone in your line of thinking - keep raising your kids the way you do, they will be SO MUCH BETTER OFF for it - YOU are raising them correctly and when they are responsible, self-sufficient adults, they will thank you. Keep up the good work with your BD10 - straight A's is something to be EXTREMELY PROUD OF.
Here, SD15 (stb16) completely FLUNKED both math & science this year (10th grade). She also completely flunked math last year (9th grade). I used to beat my head against a wall last year trying to convince BF that since math is a "building block" type of subject, that she MUST learn the 9th grade math BEFORE she tries to understand 10th grade math - and that he should make her go to summer school AND a tutor and that there should be SOME sort of punishment for her (i.e. take away sleepovers at friends houses, her cell phone, etc...). Well, he just said "I'll take care of it", did NOTHING to punish her OR give her any incentive to try harder, so VOILA she fails math again this year AND Earth Science (btw, here in NY, if you fail the Earth Science Regents Exam, you cannot graduate high school until you do).
Still no punishment...for failing 2 CLASSES instead of 1. Oh, and add to that in 10th grade, she's been allowed to have a boyfriend for the past 6 months, all the while not doing her homework, her science labs, failing exams. So if you really think about it, she got REWARDED for failing math in 9th grade by allowing the added priviledge of having a boyfriend - all the while still having a cell phone with unlimited text messaging, sleepovers at friends houses whenever she wants, money given to her when she wants to go hang out at the mall with friends, etc...
And what does she do in 10th grade? Fail TWO subjects instead of ONE!! At this rate, I wonder why BM & BF even require her to even attend school anymore?? She has absolutely NO consequences to her actions!! Now she's going into 11th grade - so I guess this year they will expect her to fail 3 classes?? And the madness just goes on and on and on...with BM & BF having absolutely NO PARENTING skills whatsoever.
They really should require some type of PARENTING LICENSE with parenting classes or something before people are actually allowed to procreate... sounds harsh, but true.
I simply have disengaged from it all (otherwise it causes major fights between BF & I because he's too stubborn to see that he is HURTING his daughter by allowing this to continue, for she will not be able to sustain herself as a viable, responsible adult in the future). Just waiting for her to turn 18 (I highly doubt she'll get into a college for BM to be able to collect CS until she's 21)...
>>>>They really should
>>>>They really should require some type of PARENTING LICENSE with parenting classes or something before people are actually allowed to procreate... sounds harsh, but true.>>>>
I vote YES to a parenting license !
I can TOTALLY relate to your
I can TOTALLY relate to your entire post Milomom!
Question: What kind of educational background does SD's BF & BM have? I ask because that MAY have a bearing on how much emphasis or importance some parents place on education.
Well I can tell you that based on my own personal experience it did get progressively worse like you fear it might. My SS19 started out failing only 1 or 2 classes in 9th grade and by 12th grade, 5 weeks before the end of the school year he had mostly Fs and some Ds in ALL 7 classes. My H was telling him to "just drop out", but that wasn't an option to SS simply because SS liked the social aspect of school too much to drop out - that is, afterall, why he showed up everyday but apparently didn't do any work! Of course my H dropped out of HS and just got his GED and SS's BM barely made it out of HS so not a lot of value placed on education in that family. Meanwhile me, the SM with a Master's degree, was the one who actually finally contacted SS's teachers (H had full custody of SS since SS was 9mos - BM didn't want him) to find out what we could do to help SS graduate! Well, SS did graduate but honestly I don't know how that was possible unless the teachers all got together and just decided to let him slide through. Frankly when it was all said & done I regretted even helping as much as I did with that because it was NOT appreciated by SS or H and it really didn't "teach" SS anything the way he might've learned something if everyone had just let him fail. At SS's graduation ceremony I honestly didn't even want to congratulate him because he didn't earn it. Instead it felt like some sort of big joke and I didn't think there was anything for H or SS to be "proud" of at all in that scenario. Now SS19 and his GF are living in GF's aunts home while SS works at BK and GF works at 711. SS does not have a driver's license (never has) and got GF's car impounded for SS driving it without a license. I'm sure H nor SS are feeling very "proud" of how SS's life has turned out so far, but the sad part is H has not changed his parenting style one bit for SD11.8, so I see her headed down the same path...
Mommylove, to answer your
Mommylove, to answer your question:
BM was a preggo high-school dropout at 16-17 (before she met & married my now BF). After my BF getting after her to get a job and a driver's license (because he could no longer afford to support her & her son), she finally got her GED & her drivers license in mid 20's. She went to cosmetology school & got license, but defaulted on her student loans from that & didn't work in that field long. Then she wanted my BF to pay for her to open a reiki/massage salon years later (even though she knew absolutely NOTHING about running a business & never went to college). She always told him "you NEVER supported me & my dreams..." :sick:
Fast forward to during their divorce, BM tried to go to local community college because she allegedly decided she "found herself" and wanted to become a nurse...failed out of community college the 1st semester (coincidentally, she enrolled at that college at the same time she was trying to have the court award her "educational maintenance" $$ from my BF & even more ironically, once the court ruled against her, she failed out right afterward). BM then went to a local technical school to get some kind of state nursing certificate & I believe she's an LPN now. Never worked full-time a day in her life (no college degree) and SOMEHOW New York State entrusts her to take care of others' health....hmmmmm. Oh, by the way, she worked odd cash jobs off the books sometimes when she felt like it during their marriage (i.e. waitress, store food sample lady, etc...)
My BF works for the local government & is blue-collar - always has been. He has always been a hard worker (union construction worker when younger) and had to take some college credits to get the job he holds (and has held for 14 years) now.
So not only is my BF not college-educated, but to make matters WORSE, BM is a TOTAL LOSER and user and is teaching SD15 (stb16) to leech off of others to live her life - JUST.LIKE.BM
I fear that SD15 (stb16) will be barefoot, preggo & a high school dropout within the next 2 years.
P.S. Ironically, I hold a Bachelors Degree in Applied Mathematics & Statistics, as well as a Juris Doctorate degree in law.
I agree with all of you!
I agree with all of you! Milomom at the rate your SD is going she will be living with you forever as she is on a fast track to nowhere. I am living with a 20 year old who barely got out of HS...flunked college, not once, but twice and lost her very first job (at 20 years old) after only 5 days.
This generation IS being bred to do nothing and they can still have a roof over their head and food at someone elses expense, all the while doing NOTHING or not even trying to do anything. In fact they expect it. It's sickening to me.
Lazy Parenting - or no
Lazy Parenting - or no parenting is running rampant these days. I wish this kind of parenting were an exception and that I could say BM (and DH) is in the minority in the way they parent but that's not the case. I must be old fashioned. I was parented by strict old fashioned methods and am thankful for it.
I work with adults who weren't and can't seem to get their life together. And they are raising another generation of the same.
It's scary to think what will happen to our society.
At least your DH talked to BM
At least your DH talked to BM about it - what happens here is that DH doesn't say anything because he says he can't control what BM does or what she does with the kids when they are at her house. SS wanted to go camping with his friend and BM just says ok, not realizing that SS is going to miss his soccer game but no big deal beucase he gets to do what he wants anyway. In my opinion, it's the parent's fault for lack of parenting. I think that is why being a stepparent is so hard - you have your own ideas of how things should go and how the kids should be raised - but yet you really have no say in what happens. It sucks!!
In the past DH would have
In the past DH would have said nothing also. I have started to phrase my statements to him when we talk about SD and say "her parents" therefore he is included. He is starting to get it. He also sees how I parent and agrees and see too the differences between my kids and SD. I think it has motivated him to be a little more active in the parenting department.
Our schools have a strict
Our schools have a strict policy, if you are failing, have outstanding assignments, or behavioral issues you are put on a restriction list and not allowed to play sports.
This doesn't help of course if the sports are not school related.
It's a shame that schools have to step in and become parents.