The ex wife
Im new and I'm looking for some type of advice. My DH met his ex wife many years ago and she had a daughter from a previous relationship. The father was in prison for beating her up while pregnant. The ex wife's daughter was still in diapers but my DH treated her as his own. Shortly after DH got together with this woman she got pregnant and they got married. She had my step sonThen started doing drugs and sleeping around. On step sons 1st b-day she was supposed to go on a cigarette run but didn't come back for eight months. for the past 13-14 years she's been in and out of my step sons life. When step sons was about 8 she wanted to see him and so he could spend time with his sister. Well shortly after this arrangement we found out she was drugging both the kids so she could party. So that arrangement stopped. In 2005 DH and I started dating. We got married in 2007. During this time it was hard adjusting to motherhood. I was young. My DH is 9 years older than me and when we met my step son was 8. The ex wife never made an appearance really until around 2010. Step son started having more contact with his sister and ultimately his mother. Both DH and I were totally supportive. Well earlier this year my step sons sister committed suicide at the age of 17. She was n absolute angel and it came as a suprise to all who knew her. DHs ex in-laws made sure he was apart of all aspects of the funeral and even welcomed me. My DH had never really spoken to his ex after their divorce and always told me that he hated her. After the funeral though he made a promise to his step daughter to be there for the ex wife. I was totally supportive of my DH because I trusted him and I trusted her. About a month after the funeral I found out that they were carrying on an emotional affair. I was so crushed. I was consumed with hate, confusion, and depression. My DH said he didn't understand his feelings towards her. He said she was his first love and he's always cared for her. Fast forward to present day i still have bad days and I have good days. Some days I'm obsessed with wanting to spy on DH to see if he's talking to her. He's quit his FB and I've even blocked her on his account to make me feel better. Maybe it was childish but it felt good. I don't speak I'll of her to my step son and still encourage them to carry on their relationship. It's just that everytime I hear her name it makes me so angry. When she calls my DH I automatically go back to feeling like I did 5 months ago. I don't know how to get past this. I thought I was doing the right thing by letting my DH be there for his ex.
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I wondered that, too. Maybe
I wondered that, too. Maybe it's a typo and she meant SS wanted him to be there for his mom?
Not sure, BUT...extreme circumstances bond people. Suffering the death of this "shared loved one" is a connection, and then OP's DH built on that connection.
Dangerous stuff, IMO.
Thank you. It makes me feel
Thank you. It makes me feel better that I didn't do Anything wrong. We have talked extensivelly about it. I do consider it a form of cheating. There were many lies and promises broken so he could offer her emotional support and to some extent vice versa. No one knows of this infidelity other than two of our friends. I've had my days were I wanted to give her a piece of my mind but I never do. I prolly should seek some type of counseling. Unfortunately until my insurance kicks in that's not an option yet. I have access to phones records and email account and FB. I'm to the point that I don't want to snoop. It's so emotionally exhausting. I don't know how people do. Sometimes I feel silly because it's not like it carried on for a lengthy period of time. It was getting him to quit communicating with her. It took me printing off his phone records and showing him just how much he talked to her for him to get it. Maybe he was still hurting from his loss and was blind to my feelings. Idk. I just couldnt understand why he did what he did knowing their past. She cheated repeatly for drugs and we always had the no cheating policy but when it came to it I couldn't walk away. I don't know if that makes me foolish or incredibly forgiving.
He wrote her step daughter a
He wrote her step daughter a letter saying that he would be ther for her mother. And he's she the same person as SS sister. It's like she's a virus creeping into all aspects of my in-laws family. She talks to DHs grandmother and everyone always talks about her. Makes me feel so in invisible. I took care of her son for 8 years. That's 4x longer than she did. And she feels like I'm taking her son away. That he lives me more than her
I appreciate all of the input
I appreciate all of the input and advice. Maybe this is more of a marital issue than a stepparent issue. I just hate this woman so much! She's destroyed her past relationships and just waltzes back in like nothing happened ugh. Feels good to blow off some steam about her
I hope your husband is
I hope your husband is putting in as much effort and time as you are to figure out how you, the 'problem' are going to get past what he, not 'the problem' did to your relationship with him. It does not seem like he is, or you wouldn't have written about it the way you did. What is he doing to fix this, other than taking advantage of your nature?
You make a good point. I'm
You make a good point. I'm trying think what he's done to restore trust in our marriage. After everything came out I told him to quit talking with her and he was very hesitant. Then I showed him his phone records to make him understand just how much they would talk in a given time frame. That's when he really understood. I monitored phone records and he told me whenever she called or when he had to call her about their son, my SS. I needed to know when they talked but it was always hard to hear when he told me because I thought they were going to revert back. But he kept telling me that he loved me and wanted to be with me not her. We started going out on a few dates. Trying to spend more time together. He talks about our future together so that makes me think he wants a future with me. I still worry and get insecure sometimes. I would love to see her, the ex, just disappear like she has done in the past. But that's just not reality. I just want to learn to move past this. I feel like it has redifined our relationship. We were firm believers in no cheating of any kind. Now that he did what does that mean? Am I allowed one indescresion, not that I would. It feels like I almost have an upper hand. The you cheated on me card, but I don't want to be that person that constantly reminds the spouse that they messed up. I guess I feel lost. Maybe numb now. Is that normal for the grieving process?