I dont know what is wrong with me????????
For anyone with is not familar with my family set up I have 2 daughters 11 and 10, 2 SD, 11 and 14 and baby boy with DH aged 7 months. Since baby brother came along SD no longer want to visit despite weekly attempts from DH. SD's stayed last night after not seeing or hearing back from them since Xmas day!!! SD 11 and 14 stayed over xmas eve and we hadnt seen SD14 for 2 months prior xmas eve as she would not come over when invited. Basically i felt like they came for the gifts then left again and we went back to never hearing from them.
DH called them 2 weeks ago to say he was tired of them not making an effort, they never call us, never return his calls, never come over when invited etc and thought he made progress but we didnt hear back from them despite his talk. DH gave in and called them and invited them to stay and they came over last night. Please read my previous blog "am I babysitting service" because SD's agree to come over then I get a phonecall 20 minutes later telling me they will have to stay here to be babysat till 5pm when BM finishes work and can pick them up. Since when does coming to your Fathers house become a place where you are babysat??? DH and I discussed prior that we needed to all sit down and have a big "talk" about things. The SD's had been treating us like rubbish and although we and new Brother are non existant. DH the idiot who cannot take any confrontation gives them "the talk" without my input in the car on the way to our house!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this is all of a 10 minute drive so bascically a 10 minute talk and lets be done with it!!!!!!!!!!! He walked in the door anouncing they had had a talk on the way home and the girls would like to come approx 2 days a week.........uummmmmm....what about all the hurt and no phonecalls for months and not returning our calls etc etc
Talk about pissed off. I think since it should of been done as a couple. I told DH I cannot take this anymore. In the short time they were here I felt nothing but anxiety and stress. I felt I could not enjoy it. I felt very hurt and used at how we have been treated by them. I dont feel like I want to sweep it under the carpet. The same old things were happenig overnight which sent me straight back to wanting to pack my bags and run. I dont even like my own daughter 11 when around SD's. She turns into this brat with attitude and talks back and shows off just trying to impress SD, 14!! even DH agree's she does this to impress SD, 14. but SD has a way of making them feel like they need to keep up with her age level. SD, 14 is a very problematic child and takes alot of energy to keep her happy.
I tell the children one thing and SD's test how far they can push it and DH gives in. eg they ask me if they can eat snacks before dinner and I say "no" dinner is nearly ready. they then go ask DH who gives in and says "just a little bit or just have one". these little stupid things infuriate me and its because his daughters have never been disciplined, ever, and they know they can push boundaries with both parents.BM is a nightmare and i cringe when she calls their mobiles over and over while their here. They only left yesterday and within 3 hours she was calling. and again all day and I feel like we have no breathing space. She has caused me so much pain, anger and continually hurt our realtionship in 5 years that I feel like i have never been able to have my DH to myself for just a while with some peace in our lives. I felt we have always had to use our energy fighting her for the children etc. I guess I felt although hurt and sad that the SD's were not coming anymore, that I finally did have a little piece of my DH to myself without her making that time hell.But deep inside I know that it cant go on forever.
I dont know if I am so sensitive to these things because I have dealt with so much in 5 years that I am well and truly over it. I told DH this morning I really dont know if I can cope with it. That I loved him dearly but I dint know if I can handle the package that came with him. He was clearly upset and ask me why I bought our Son into the world only to tear his family apart when I knew what he came with when I met him. This was a a fair call, but i certainly bought our Son into this world with love and all good intentions. I don't want to be without my DH and rip our family apart but I am unhappy too, and I am not coping with the "package", it's making me angry and upset so I don't know where my obligations should be anymore??.I dont want to spend too much longer feeling this confussed and angry. Am i just finally over it??
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GET A COURT ORDER
I say this in caps because it's so, so important. So many divorced dads who just want to be there for their kids don't have one and the BMs can run roughshod over them because of it. Even dads who do have one still receive cr*p from the BMs often. This was the case with my DH- he had a court order, but a) BM never adhered to it and 2) he didn't have the balls to call her out on her violations until a few years ago when we got custody. Still though, I think a court order is a small but important step in the right direction, because it will clearly spell out when your DH can see the kids (most dads get EOW) and call them at BM's. It will say who is responsible for the driving (many court orders split it halfway), how much your DH has to pay BM for child support, where DH and BM will meet to pick up/drop off the kids, and the consequences if visitation is withheld. You should also look up your state's laws or call your lawyer to find out how old kids need to be in order to decide if they visit the other parent or not. Because they're minors, they might not have any legal say about it. If they persist in not coming, their mom could get arrested and they could be transported to your house via a police cruiser. No it wouldn't be a pleasant memory, but they need to learn that adults call the shots, not them. You need to document EVERY SINGLE TIME the BM and/or SDs violate it.
About your role as SM, my SDs used to do the same to me when we had EOW- they'd ask me for something, I'd say no, and then they'd go to their Dad, who would say yes, when he KNEW I had just previously said no. This REALLY REALLY got to me. When we were awarded custody, I made da*n sure that this would never happen again and it took both of us forming a united front. I got myself counseling- and DH got the SDs counseling- and I heartily recommend that you do this for yourself and your DH (even if he doesn't want to go, you should) and your SDs. I think you need to focus on your kids, and that might just force him to step up to the plate and lead his kids.
It took my DH a long time to
It took my DH a long time to realize that the BM was just using us as a babysitter. When the kids did come over she would call and tell him what he needed to do, where he needed to take the kids, give them medicine, and the list goes on and on. I was so sick and tired of paying all this money just to babysit his kids. I told him this once and he was so mad at me. He said these are my children and I am their parent. I pressed him and said exactly what are you doing to parent. He couldn't answer, he just took it out on me and was really pissed. Guess what tho in the long run he finally saw the light. After 3+ years the kids never call, not even on holidays. We have to do all the effort.. I quit a long time ago. They aren't my kids and I don't have to put up with being disrespected. Finally we decided the kids don't need to come over anymore. We are paying for it because we will owe more child support but guess what they still don't call.. It hasn't changed.. All I can say is that it might take your DH a long time to realize that relationships even with children is a two way street. Both sides have to give in.. Just hang in there and refuse to be their babysitter.. you have enough of your own responsibility to worry about. Let you DH be their babysitter.