Before 4PM or after 11PM?
These were the options DH was given by BM#2 about when he could get SS8 next Friday. To give some background, DH has been getting EOW visitation with SS since he was 2. It's always been every other Friday to Sunday, usually dropping off/picking up around 5PM. More background is that DH and I work 2 1/2 hours away from home. Occasionally we are permitted to work from home, and that has worked out the last couple times we had visitation, but next week is not looking to work out that way. We typically don't get home until 4:30-5, and then we still have a little more time to work to make up our hours.
So we get an email from BM last night saying that she was volunteering at the local state park for their Halloween program from 5-10PM, so she could either drop SS off before 4PM or after 11PM, or we could go pick him up from this park. I'm very upset about this because I feel that we are constantly adjusting our plans because of BM. For anyone who has been following my blogs, you know this has been an on-going issue for me. You also know that we have a proposed custody modification sitting in her lap, specifying a time for visitation. However, it has not been approved by a judge yet because the venue needs to change for the court to hear it.
I really want DH to go back to her and tell her that neither time will work and that he expects SS a his house by 6PM. Do you think this is an unfair request?
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What does the court order
What does the court order state about pickups/dropoffs?
the current court order
the current court order doesn't specify times. the new proposed order specifies 6pm.
What's the reason you can't
What's the reason you can't pick the child up where the function is?
see below starfish's
see below starfish's comment...
she is giving you a weeks
she is giving you a weeks notice and it didn't sound to bitchy.. how hard would it be for dh to p/u ss from the program? i don't this particular request is unfair... i think this one falls in the "pick your battles" category.
I'm asking if DH asking her
I'm asking if DH asking her to have SS at our house at 6PM unfair. Her request wasn't bitchy but my issue is that she is constantly doing this and then expecting everyone to accommodate what she wants to do. Last visitation was a house showing for her sister who had already been there a week; the week before was a picnic.
It's getting old, and since there is a week notice, is it wrong for DH to say, no, have him here to me by 6? Afterall, this is a volunteer thing and her first obligation is her son.
DH cannot drive long distances alone and this would be about an hour away. It typically would not be a big deal except we need to get our BD2 from daycare and then go get him from the program and then come home...On top of already driving 2 hours, this would make for a very long day. And then inevitably, she would want to pick him up considerably earlier on Sunday because once again it would be accommodating her schedule.
I think it's ok to be
I think it's ok to be accomodating if you can be. If you can pick up hte boy, then I say pick up the boy. I definately wouldn't be giving up parenting time though. Or at least not often. So if she wants the boy back early on sunday, Oh well.
The thing is, if there's no order that's in place, it can be hard to assert yourself.
We usually are very
We usually are very accommodating - in fact, much more than other folks. I'm just getting tired of always bending over backwards. It's constant. And it's the same for pick-up on Sundays - it's always picking him up early to do this or that. When DH and I are dropping off, he's home by 6PM. I feel like DH is getting less and less time with SS and it's frustrating to me. But seriously, at what point do you draw the line on being accommodating? After 5 instances, no more? This woman is truly one of those where if you give her an inch, she'll take a mile - and will continue to do that and expect that. I'm at a loss here.
I think being accomodating is
I think being accomodating is good if you can fit it into your schedule AND if your DH isn't giving up parenting time.
If drop off time is sunday at 6:00 and she asks for 5:30, I'd do it. If she asks for 10:00 i the morning, I'd say "SOrry, that doesn't work for us."
Do they communicate by phone or e-mail?
I think in this particular
I think in this particular instance, we really don't have a choice. We won't be home before 4 and 11PM is just insanely way too late and would be giving up parenting time. So let's tack on another 2 hours for getting SS and whatever "parenting" time you can have in the car. Whoopee. *rolls eyes* Sorry - i appreciate your input but i'm tired of being the nice guy here.
I agree, 30 minutes really isn't a big deal. HOwever, she has pulled the Noon-1PM stunt because she decided that she wanted to do this or do that. We've been accommodating with that too. Its just getting old. Really old.
Both but mostly email because she can't fight over the phone or in person.
Two questions. You said he
Two questions. You said he lives an hour away. Who's supposed to do the pick ups.drop offs.
Also does your DH have JLC?
they have shared pick up/drop
they have shared pick up/drop off. She has been dropping off on Friday's and we drop off on Sundays. If we have to pick up SS on Friday, then she picks up on Sunday (unless something else earth shattering comes up).
Kind of but she is CP and he is NCP.
Ya I would call or e-mail nad
Ya I would call or e-mail nad say something like,
"Ok we can pick up on friday but you'll have to arrange to pick up on Sunday. We have plans though so the boy won't be ready until regular pick up time. Thanks."
i'm sure that's what we'll
i'm sure that's what we'll end up doing.
thanks for the input.
No worries
i think asking her to work
i think asking her to work with you is one thing, maybe you can meet in the middle somewhere, but the tone i read in your original post seemed like it may start a battle:
"I really want DH to go back to her and tell her that neither time will work and that he expects SS a his house by 6PM."
i know how frustrating it is for the bm to be holding the cards and changing all the shit to fit her lifestyle, so she can prance around thinking "she's still in control"... really, i do... i guess i just envy that yours isn't always at the very last frickin' minute....i would kill for a weeks notice on changes..
and i understand bm not ever meeting 1/2 way (unless it fits her agenda).. dh always doing the 1.5 hr (or more) round trip p/u and 1.5 hr (or more) d/o..
it just sucks!!! sorry!
we can ask to meet somewhere
we can ask to meet somewhere rather than go the whole way to the part but even that will start a battle with her. It's her way or no way is how i feel. ANd trust me, this is kind of rare to have a week's notice. Most things are last minute, especially when it comes to Sunday.
It does suck and I'm feeling really helpless right now because i'm so tired of being the nice guy. i'm just tired of the double standard with her.
In my Naughty opinion: Tell
In my Naughty opinion: Tell her you have plans late on Sunday and make her wait for him. Find plans. Than you could have the full parenting time you are allowed. We have been known to do this.
I know it's not necessarily 'better' for the kids to be up late on a school night, but.... Is it better to loose your relationship with your dad because of your mom? School will come and go, Dad will be his parent for ever!!!