Don't Know What To Do Anymore
My husband and i have been in constant fights with my ss bm. To the point now where I refuse to have any contact with her unless apsolutly nessesary. We don't let my ss know anything thats going on or how we feel about these issues and when there is one and my ss is here my husband sends an e-mail to the bm instead of talking to her on the phone so my ss does not have to hear the argument. But she is constantly telling how bad his dad is. At the same time telling my husband he needs to step up as a parent. She also accuses him of handing of the responsobility of my ss on me, which is not the case. When my husband trys to have any conversation with her at all she tells him he is a peace of **** and when my husband questions his well being (because of his contuing drop of behavior in school) She had my ss tell his dad that everything he had said to him was a lie and that he was mad at his dad for asking his mom about it. He could acculy hear her tell my ss this on the phone. The messed up thing is that my husband sent all this to her in an e-mail and carfuly worded it so that they could have a mutur adult conversation about it he did not say anything on the phone or infront of my ss. I just don't know what to do anymore and i feel like she is damaging my ss and i know she is hurting my husband. Any one have any addvice?
- Overstressed's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Yep, I have advice as I am
Yep, I have advice as I am sure many Stalkers also have. Each of us have a different blended family dynamic to deal with.
In my case I have been StepDad to my SS-19 since he was 1yo. We had 17+ years of toxic vitriolic crap to deal with from my SS's SpermCLan. My wife is the CP in our situation so things are a bit different for us than it seems to be for you as far as the CP/NCP dynamic is concerned.
What we did was to get extremely familiar with the Court Order (CO) governing the Custody/Visitation/Support relative to my son (SS). We also researched and obtained copies of all supplemental rules for Custody/Visitation/Support in the jurisdiction where our CO was issued as well as the laws and regulations for the state where the CO was issued and our state of residence.
Then we went to war with the SpermClan. We refused any attempt they made to deviate from the CO in any way. We rolled up the CO, supplememtal rules and laws and beat the snot out of them whenever the crawled out from under their slimmy rock.
When it benefited us we threated to change venue for my son's case from SpermLand to where we were living which would have trippled their CS obligation to my son. It have also doubled their visitation and no amoung of money would have motivated us to expose him to their toxic crap for more than the originally ordered 7wks a year (5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1wk spring). However, it was a very effective threat. Any time we plaid that card they S'dTFU and went away for a while.
When they loaded our son up with their toxic and vitriolic crap about how mean and evil his mom is or how I am mean and evil we nailed them with a threat to drag them to court or a letter from our attorney threatening criminal charges for defamation, etc... and to present our Private Investigator files on the SpermIdiots activities in court in order to make it public record.
When they manipulated visitation and failed to put our son on a plane for return home on schedule we had the police collect our son and had my ILs take him to the airport. They played the "oh, we missed the plane and can't get another flight for X days" card a few times. We had our son collected at their church during services in front of their community, we had him collected at family reunions, we had him collected at restaurants. We made sure to bare their idiot asses whenever they stepped out of line. Amazingly there was always a flight available to get him on his way home within a few hours. Hmm, amazing how the real world works. :?
Our most valuable tool was FACT. We stuck to the facts and we held them accountable for their behavior. We made sure my SS knew the facts of their behavior and we made sure that their friends, family, church members, etc... knew the facts of their behavior. We did not bad mouth them but we also did not hide the facts of their behavior from our son or anyone else for that matter.
We did not entirely prevent them from causing damage to our son, no one can completely prevent a toxic blended family opposition from damaging a child, but we did minimize their crap and armed our son with the facts so that he would be less succeptable to their toxic manipulations during visitation.
My recommendation is that you go on the offensive with BM. When she lies, counter with the facts. Teach your SS the facts. When he comes to your house with stories of "Mom sais you and dad are ..........." You respond with "That is not true. Here is the truth ......" When SS is old enough show him the CO, show him the supplemental rules, regulations, laws, etc.... Show him the Journal you keep documenting BMs toxic crap. Let him hear the recordings of phone calls with BM with her ranting, cussing, etc.... Let him hear the toxic profane voice mails she leaves, let him read the nasty e-mails.
As he got in to his teens our son would occassionally dig in to the Custody/Visitation/Support drawer in our office file cabinet and do his own research. Invariably he would come out after a couple of hours and say "Dad/SpermGrandMa, etc... lied to me". We would give him a hug and offer to sit down and discuss what he was feeling and what THEY had lied about.
Invariably those talks would end with us saying something along the lines of "We are sorry they did that son. They love you but they do not know how to create the best family for you and they are frustrated. People often lie when the are frustrated about something they do not undersand or can't fix. Lieing is never acceptable but sometimes people who care think they have no other choice".
Then my wife and I would walk to our room, high five each other and laugh our asses off once we were alone behind closed doors. }:)
Keep a record of everything. The key is to make sure that you and DH maintain your cool and a professional demeanor no matter what BM tries to antagonize you with and for sure any time you are in front of the Skid.
Some of the most powerful proof my SS experienced of how toxic his SpermClan is was his SpermGrandMa ranting at my wife during a call to arrange visitation travel. My wife was firm, assertive and professional and SpermGrandMa was ranting. She was so loud that my SS (then 16) could her hear slobbering while yelling and the call was NOT on speaker.
This system will work for either an NCP or a CP. The side that has the most knowledge of the CO, etc... has an advantage that is very difficult to over come. What is truly amazing is the number of people who never even read the CO that has so much impact on their lives, much less any supplemental rules or laws.
You have to learn to not let BM get to you. Yes, you want to vent and discuss it with your DH when it is just the two of you. You want to be angry and repond. Be angry but do not lose your cool. Use that andger to motivate the development of your comprehensive strategy for keeping BM under control. The most valuable weapon we have against a toxic blended family opposition is the happiness of our marriage and family.
These idiots are like cockroaches who scramble for a dark corner when you throw on a light in a dark roach filled room. When you hit them with the light of your happy life, marriage and family they will scramble for their dark corner and cringe/wilt away from you and your DH.
Most of all learn to enjoy bareing BMs idiot ass. I turned bareing the SpermClan's idiot asses in to a sport. I am a gold medalist in that sport.
Just my thoughts of course.
Good luck.
Your SS is old enough for the
Your SS is old enough for the facts, for a review session of the CO, for review sessions of the court reporter minutes from any hearings, tape recorded conversations with a ranting BM, ranting voice mails, ranting e-mails, etc.... Obviously so is your SD though she may be too far gone at this point for it to do much good. Regardless, give them both all of the information. As SD progresses to adulthood she may catch a clue and recognize that the facts you share are in fact reality and put any issues she has with growing up in a blended family where those issues belong. This is obviously on her BM. SS is young enough to benefit from the information and use it to filter the crap from BM that he will get over the next 6+ years until the CO expires.
My SS also internalized and did not share many of the SpermClans toxic crap until a visitation or two after the manipulations occurred. This is where the best thing we can do is make sure the Skids are fully informed and aware of the facts in an age appropriate manner regardless of what age the kids are. Of course a todler is too young but a kid in the higher single digits is old enough for some introduction to the facts. As they get older give them access to the records.
This empowers them to ask questions of the toxic element of their blended family as soon as they realize what they are seeing from the toxic half of their blended family does not pass the smell test. Or to be able to filter the toxic crap through the filter of fact rather than have to process the manipulations from a purely emotional level.
The best example I have of this was when my SS was about 10-12. He was on visitation and at his SpermIdiots house along with his three younger also oowl SpermIdiot half sibs when the topic of why the SpermIdiot had never married came up. The SpermIdiot told all 4 of them that he had never been married because he did not believe in marriage and some other crap about how gangsters don't need to be married and how bitches and ho's just tie a man down.....
Great example and conversation to have with your kids (3boys and 1 girl). :jawdrop:
At that point my kid said "You have never been married dad? You told me once that you and mom were married when I was born. I also thought you were married to someone named Tara when you tried to take me away from mom when I was a baby?" DickHead's head about exploded. He tried to argue that my Skid was wrong but was shut completely down when my kid said "Dad, I saw a copy of your marriage license and divorce decree that was issued 4 months after you married."
What motivated my Skids knowledge on the topic was that he had come home from a visitation about a year prior and asked us if his mom and BioDad had ever been married. DickHead had actually told him that they had been married which had never happened. SS already knew that his mom and SpermIdiot had never been married and that I am DWs first and only husband. What had happened was that DickHead had done one of his periodic "does your mom still love me?" manipulations. SS had developed a usual answer for this which was to tell DickHead that his mom and dad (me) had been married for a long time and that we love each other very much and would not get divorced ever. DickHead got stupid and told SS that they had been married.
What had actually happened when my DW found out she was pregnant was that they had hiked to the top of a mountain near my wife's family farm and exchanged vows. No witnesses, no license, just a 16yo scared pregnant teen and a 22yo statutory rapist.
Anyway, when SS asked the question about his BPs marital status was that we sat him down and DW told him once again the whole story and sticking to the facts. As proof she showed him his birth certificate which clearly stated that DW was not married and in fact no father was listed in the original certificate. She then showed him the original CO establishing Custody/Paternity/Support which also clearly showed that they were not married when SS was born (or ever).
After that fact fest SS spent a few hours digging through the file cabinet in to the Custody/Visitation/Support folders and found DickHeads marriage license and divorce divorce order from his brief marriage to his 16yo wife when DickHead was 24. DickHead married his 16yo GF 2weeks before the court hearing when he filed for custody. He did not want us bringing up that he was again perpetrating statutory rape against a 16yo minor.
Even if they internalize the PAS if they are armed with the facts they are somewhat protected.
At this stage I would start by mapping out all of the PAS crap that BM has loaded the kids up with over the years. Then align the countering facts to each PAS element. For facts that you have documentation to support, align the documentation with the fact and the PAS element. Then, the next time either Skid spouts PAS crap sit them down for a review of the PAS elements, the facts and the documentation.
Close by telling them that neither you nor their Dad would lie to them and that if they have any questions to ask and you will be happy to discuss the facts with them.
Don't bad mouth their mom. Stick to the facts. If they ask why their mom would lie to them tell them that she is most likely frustrated and does not know how to handle the situation. If you are feeling particularly magnanimous tell them that she may not even realize what she is saying.
All in my layman's opinion of course.
Good luck.
i would also suggest
i would also suggest counseling for your son. let the counselor know what you have seen and heard. ours didn't believe us at first, until we told her bm did xyz in front of dh. she thought it was just SD making stuff up.
it has helped SD10.
Our co acully says we are not
Our co acully says we are not alowed to disscuse the co with my step son though i would love for him to have that knowledge and how much info is appropriate to give an 8 year old? becuase she keeps telling my ss we are lying to him and we never have we have said that we are legaly not alowed to tell him things when he asks sometimes but my husband is in such fear of this woman some times he is overly worried about what he say that she will try to take more of our time away she has stated on many occasion she wants him to disapear. and contues to find things to charge us money for regarding my ss so we can't afford to take her to court.
this is basically what we had
this is basically what we had to do. but the school never sends anything but grades to us. dh has to be vigilant with the teachers, and he doesn't always do that.
the only thing i'd add is to read Dr. Warshak's "Divorce Poison" it goes into detail on RAD and PAS and gives practical advice on how to help your child through it without abandoning them.
counseling helped sd10, but she still has moments.
Thank you everyone for the
Thank you everyone for the advice
My ss is in consling my. husband is acculy going to call today to get a check on how things are going I'm the one in contact with the school so i will ask to have copies of everything mailled or e-mail to us.
I just am never going to understand bm i was lucky i guess and my mom was a single parent but she always was honest and open with us with out talking bad about my dad and she never treated him bad so i just don't get why bm does this.
My parents were the same. I
My parents were the same. I had a SM and SD and they've been a huge part of my life since I was 4. My parents never talked bad about the other or put me in the middle. I was able to love everyone in my life, no loyalty binds at all. I appreciate them SO MUCH for this, especially since becoming a SM and dealing with a crazy BM.
Remember crazy is not reasonable. Throw reason out the door and go into a world where all that matters is how you feel and that dictates all your responses, then maybe you can begin to understand why these women act the way they do
Also, "Divorce Poison" goes into detail about the different personality disorders who do this and what drives them.