Does disengaging work before marriage?
So-I keep reading about this...and I'm starting to wonder, maybe because I had a difficult day today. I think it's always very bad on Sundays when she's going home-maybe jealousy because we all stay here as a family..the transition, feeling displaced, whathaveyou..but she turns into a horrible girl to be around. I do not and will not subject my sons to her hateful attitude anymore when she's like this-sorry this is MY home, well and my sons home also!
I recommended to her dad that maybe on Sundays he can spend the day w/her doing their own thing and let us do ours because it's just always a bad day-maybe she needs alone time w/dad before going back home...don't know-don't care really.
I do try to tell myself not my kid-not my problem, hard to ignore if they are being nasty to your bio kids. That's where I have trouble understanding disengaging...and is it a wiser thing to do before a marriage as to not even enter marriage w/expectations and then have to pull back. Also, I guess I wonder if that will affect my bf's relationship w/my sons-which is right now very nice-strong and likeable.
I do really need to get that stepmonster book...but wondering how all that works...especially when in a serious relatioship and not married yet. I'm just worn out today.
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Snarky-so you guys are not
Snarky-so you guys are not married also then...as for your kids-other then to tell them to ignore-how else do you get them to disengage?
I mean there are times they play great for a long time-but eventually she'll bait them into fighting. I don't know what is age appropriate kwim?
HOw does your FH feel about it? Did you guys talk about it?
Trust me, a newly married
Trust me, a newly married woman of 14 months.....It only gets worse. I have a SD9 and she is a spoiled brat and my DH goes right along with the spoiling. I have learned to disengage and try to disengage all the time, but i fin my DH always trying tp include me in on his daughter's stuff. When he tells me something about her, I just tune it out. I dont care and dont want to care. not my kid. I have my own Bio Son 8 to worry about. I am a no nonsense mom and I dont play. But this step brat is spoiled and I resent my husband now. yeah, I know, great 1st year huh? Im supposed to be a happy in love newlywed. Instead sometimes I feel like Id rather go back to being a single mom again, just me and my son.
Finey, this is really
Finey, this is really excellent advice! I agree completely with "not rewarding bad behavior"!!
Great advice all! It's true
Great advice all! It's true you start disengaged. It's only recently that my boundaries and authority is being tested. We had a couple long talks the last few days. He was VERY receptive...did not excuse, argue or get defensive. He admitted he was rusty, admitted everbody was spoiling and acting guilt ridden (particularly his parents) and that nobody was doing the discipline.
I told him you guys aren't doing her any favors-she's learning to be a bully, no discipline and you're creating a monster of a problem and adult down the road. I was firm but kind in my approach. I told him it was his problem to deal with if nobody else wanted to or cared to. I told him i know dads are typically reinforces in two intact parent homes-but that's not the case and he needs to step up and impart discipline...whether it's time outs, taking away priviledges, whathave you... I told him it was not fair to my kids or me.
I also explained the "all the responsibility, no authority" to him....he was relieved in a way i told him that-he had not clue thats what I was feeling and he understood. I told him you can have all the authority if you do something about it-but you HAVE to step up...I don't want that responsibilty, I already have my own to raise. It went well, we were very close emotionally the last couple days and it really did sink in. SO PROGRESS!