"Family" Vacation
Quick back ground - I have been a single mom to 3 young men (27, 20, and 18) for the past 18 years. My SO has been the only parent to his children (Son 27, Daughter 19) for the last 9 years. We met and began our relationship almost 5 years ago. My kids have accepted the relationship (not at first) and have come to truly love this man! His daughter has fought the relationship from day 1. She feels I have taken away from her relationship with her father (hence the name "The Other Woman"). His son likes me most of the time, but he is married so we only see him on occasion. Both of our homes flooded in the (not so) great flood of 2016 in Louisiana. Rather than rebuild 2 homes, he asked me and my 2 younger sons to move in with them, and we would just rebuild his home. DS20 chose to get an apartment rather than be in the same home as her. We got engaged December 2017 (she didn't speak to us for a week afterwards) and will be married this year (she says she will not attend).
Background on SD19 - She is beautiful, but mean, manipulative, hateful, spiteful, and has a serious case of self-entitlement. SO never stands up to her. She walks all over him. She posts horrible things on social media about both of us. He feels he has to make up for the divorce (not his fault by the way - but that's a whole other subject).
That being said ...
Current situation: We have planned a beach trip for the family. DS20, DS18 and SD19 were each to bring one friend/SO. Now SD19 is bringing 2 friends. One of these friends used to like DS18. DS18 is brining his girlfriend on the trip. Girlfriend and the friend of SD19 do not get along - at all. I realize they are young, and "need to get over it". We all have to be around people we don't like on occassion. My problem is, that I feel SD19 only invited this 2nd friend bc she knew it would bother my son and his girlfriend. Afterall, she was only supposed to get to bring one friend to begin with (and it wasn't this friend in question). Now my DS18 is saying that he won't be going on the trip. If he doesn't go, then my other son will not go. I tried to explain that if he and his girlfriend go, have fun, and just ignore her behavior, it show her that she isn't going to control him. But that if he doesn't go, she esstentially wins the battle. The text I received from him said, "Y'all are really going to choose a friend over family?" If I bring this up to SO, he gets mad and says that that they need to either deal with it or don't go. But to me, this is supposed to be a family trip. If my boys don't go, then its really me just chaperoning teenage girls.
Do I back out of the trip bc my children aren't comfortable going? Do I ask him to cancel the whole trip (no refund will be given at this point)? Do I ask SO to tell her she has to uninvite the second friend (btw, I like this friend and I am friends with her parents, so it it nothing against her)?
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Family vacations don't
Family vacations don't include friends IMO. Adult kid vacations seem to need different rules just because everyone involved is grown up. I'd call SD on her crap. I'd point out that this is a vacation and any drama her and her friend dream up won't be tolerated. I'd also recommend letting go of being mama bear. You and DH are doing a kind thing and I think you should go and whoever shows up, shows up. Lots of drama in this situation but the most important relationship is your marriage and I would focus on that. SD needs to know that you aren't going anywhere and she better learn to get along with your boys. If she doens't that's on her but she should be warned before going she will be corrected by YOU if she starts anything. Are you strong enough to stand up to her? Polite behavior should be expected from everyone. Is the GF going to sleep with your son or are the girls bunking together?? Room assignments could be complicated.
I am more than comfortable
I am more than comfortable standing up to her, and have sone so in the past. She has told me that I am not her mother, and that I can't correct her. My response was that you are right, I am not your mother bc if I was, you would not act the way you do. She has told me that I will never step foot in her house again. My ressponse was that when she gets a home, I will never step foot in it.
SO's son and daughter-in law have said that my son's gf can stay in their condo if she would be more comfortable.
Bullshit. The rule was 1
Bullshit. The rule was 1 friend and even THAT is generous because I assume you and SO are paying for the majority of it all. Why is she allowed an exception? It's obvious why she doesn't have a boyfriend..
A few questions for you, and
A few questions for you, and the advice below may not be applicable if the answers are different than my assumptions based on your post:
1. How long ago was the trip planned?
2. When was this second friend invited?
3. Were the boys given the opportunity to invite additional friends and declined?
4. Is this meant to be a family vacation where everyone hangs around together for the most part, or are you expecting everyone to do their own thing except on a few occasions?
I would not go on a vacation where one side of the family is more valued than the other. And that's what this boils down to. You and your SO agreed on one additional person per family member. Now SD19 is bringing two and your main focus is on how you think your SD19 chose this girl specifically to irritate or bother your son, but you are missing an essential inequality here. How did SD19 get permission to bring two friends on a family vacation when everyone else only gets one?
The other point I would ask you to consider is that your sons are adults now. As adults we are expected to be able to handle being in situations with people we don't like. The flipside is that also as adults we get to decide whether or not toxic/unfriendly people are in our lives. Your sons have the right to say, "No, I am not spending my vacation with a toxic person. It doesn't matter if that person is FAAA-AAAMILY or not." You may want the Brady bunch utopia but reality says that these adults are not a family, and trying to force it when they are not good to each other will only deepen the rift. Your sons were willing to manage a vacation with a stepsister that actively hates them because she is your DH's family. But now SD19 has recruited a flying monkey friend to really change the "vacation" into a "hell-cation" for one of your sons. How on Earth is that a good idea for family harmony?
I agree with the others (and
I agree with the others (and this would definitely happen in our home too, skids enjoy causing drama)...the rules was 1 friend. SD chose 2. THAT is what needs to be addressed first. Your DH needs to step in and enforce that rule.
If she chooses the drama causing friend then its time to sit down and have a talk. Everyone going. Its probably a good idea anyway so you can set expectations for the trip.
My talk would go like this...
1. Me and DH are #1 on this trip. You are all adults and can take care of yourself. WE will not be cleaning up after, cooking for or supplying with for any adult children. Just as you are expecting, we are also expecting for this trip to be enjoyable.
2. You are in charge of your friend. If that friend is to cause any problems on this trip. Friend will be asked to leave. And you will need to acccompany said friend home as well. Refer to rule number 1, this vacation is meant to be enjoyable and DH and I are number 1 as we paid for it.
3. Any drama caused by any member of this family will also not be tolerated. No warning, if it happens you and your guest will be asked to leave immediately.
4. Just as well allowed you to invite a friend, remember we invited you as well. This vacation was meant to be spent as a family. If you cannot or wish not to participate as a family and act in that manner then we ask that you do not attend. By no means are DH and I going to police adult children. Now or during a vacation we paid for.
That should cover all your bases. Don't put up with drama from any of them. Remember only respectful and participating adult children live in your home. Full time or on vacation!
I would give SO a heads up
I would give SO a heads up with SD's antics and remind SD and ALL the kids that only 1 plus 1 is allowed.
Me personally would tell SD NOT to invite the friend knowing it will cause issues-and if she doesn't like-she can stay home.