Christmas - Disengaging for first time`
Well I have learned a lot on here as a new member. I am 45 and have a 27 year old stepdaughter. I am trying hard to disengage. For 24 years her father and I have been together. He and her mom divorced when she was 6 months old. In any event, without realizing it over the years, as a summer visitation child (lived all over being an army brat) she became like my own. Her mom in my opinion, made her become multi personality
in loving me when she was here, but hating me when she was not. In any event, when she chose to move here permantly, after I had a daughter of my own 11 years ago, it was revealed that she had deep down animosity toward me and made up many stories about me, her dad and how our lives were for the past 15-25 years. IN any event, now she is married, with a young child and has become distant and basically wants me cut out of her life. It has broken my heart but this is the first Christmas i decided to try and disengage.
I was told not to call or email or text her in resonse or in any communication so she learns that she will miss and need me one day. This is hard to but I have succeeded. I miss seeing the baby, but do on Sundays in church, when they attend. I was asked to go shopping for by stepfamily (daughter, her husband and baby) today by my husband and we had discussed cuttying back before all this mess. I told him to do the shopping. I felt we should buy for the baby and let it be just for the kids this year meaning our 11 year old and the baby. His daughter is 27 and an adult, economy is bad, so why buy for each other during this distress and just do for kids or do what he wants as I am done. IF I am not allowed to talk, call, and am the bad stepmom suddenly, then let him buy for them.
Am I wrong? He thought so. He feels that the order to stay out of touch is something I should not dwell on. Yet, I was to help pay for college, helped buy a new car for her and helped her pay for and plan her wedding. HER REAL MOM DID NOT ONE THING BUT ATTEND. Her real mom did not even send a shower gift for either the wedding three years ago or the baby shower yet, I am cut out for asking her to help pay for a surprise party next month for her father. She makes well over 120,000 combined income after we paid for her college and got her into a Top 10 company while we make a lot less due to cutbacks at our jobs. HELP PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!
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I am sorry if I was not
I am sorry if I was not clear. She called my DH to come to her home. She told him she was mad at me for not paying for and hosting her daughters baptism. He explained that was a mutual decision as our pays have been cut at work and if it rained we could not fit the 50+ people she had on her list to our home. NOte, I had just paid for most of the baby shower as her 11 year old half sister (my daughter co-hosted with one of the SD friendds) in any event, after she told her father that she was mad at me for not hosting, and that I was not being nice to her and brought up that I was upset she changed her mind on baptism dress .......... then she showed him an email I had written about her paying for the surprise party SHE PLANNED WITH MY 11 YEAR OLD... I did not commit or discuss the details of party, but when it all came up thru my 11 year old, I had to figure out budget if I suddenlty was being expected to pay for this too. He has a lot of friends, family, coworkers and to do it right, could cost a lot........ so told her to disucss w/ me please as my little girl was too young to agree or plan and then brought up costs. She flipped out back in email that I expect too much of her and had strings on paying for her wedding, car by expecting her to help pay forthis party. So she showed her father..........blew the surprise........so he told me do not text, email or call her back/or ever and let her realize all you were in her life. Not sure what else was said but my hub gave that order. Not my idea. I did take the high road and just invitged her to the party and will do it at home for less then inital hall planned.... Am I wrong for disengaging.. She really pushed him and he has been in recovery for 11 years and feels that he is in the middle and now makes me feel like the bad guy. She was spoiled and I did go out and buy 200 worth of crap for the baby and gift certificates for them... but didn't want to at all. I want to be done done done.
Hi, Goforit... I guess once
Hi, Goforit... I guess once again I am over talking and not clear. She has not reached out to me since her last "meeting" on thie issue of party and me not being nice to her or cutting her off (in her opinion) by not hosting/payong for her new babyies baptism and some other complaints... since then, she has not called or emailed me at all. She has emailed photos of the baby to just her dad and she has not shown up for Halloween or Thanksigivng as originally she was invited and agreed to so... so, he has responded to her emails with Thank you or That is nice or whateever kind response appropriate, but as far as me........... she has not reached out and I am not to iniitate any contact.
How do I feel about this? Well, if she felt it was so horrible to have me communicate in the past, to cause her to complain, reveal a surprise party etc... I am disengaing to protect my heart as I have unconditional love for so long, this is a huge betral to me that she was so selfish and spoiled to ruin surprise, expect us to pay for her responsiblities as I explained times are tough. Yes, he got an earful and she was very focused on making me out to be this Bitch yet when he told her it was he who made those decisions, she was then exposed at being manipulative in making him feel he had to choose. NOw I can tell he really misses seeing his granddaughter, but his daughter has not been up to visit and only emails him but staying away as she is afraid to see me I guess due to her confrontation and nastiness. I think she knows she is wrong and has been caught in some lies and really only needs to apologize but I am done with playing mom as I feel so hurt as it was long time coming for me to give up on her due to the lies and deep down resentment toward me as she only wanted him to step up and do what I always did as the mom her life here................ oh well.
Dear Old Stepmom -- You can
Dear Old Stepmom -- You can find me and catch up on my story if you want under "12/01 Aged Stepmom Needs Support". I am 53, my DH is 56 We have been married 22 yrs, together 28. His daughters are ages 38 and 31, married with kids of their own now. He was married to their mom for 10 yrs, beginning at age 16. His mom (his dad died very young) drove him and his 15-yr old pregnant wife to Michigan and forced them to get married -- and now I'M paying for it. But I knew he came with "baggage" (I did too since I have a son now age 33 by my first lousy marriage to a fraudulent man) and I accepted that. I also accepted his daughters (then ages 4 and 11) and thought we could be a whole family. But his ex-wife made it sheer hell for us all these years. Finally, in 2000, his daughters both called him after not speaking for quite some time and told him they had decided to be adopted by their stepdad and "would you interfere or try to stop it". He was in shock and of course, like everything else associated with his ex-wife and daughters, he took the easy way out and said "go ahead". So they did and they haven't spoken to him since. Now he's decided to "try" to reconnect with them and talk. They have moved on, want nothing to do with him or me and he in his mid-life crisis is blaming me for everything. It doesn't matter that I wrote out his child support checks (because he moved up in his career and travelling ALL the time), bought all gifts for his kids and ENTIRE family, kept the house and gave up my own career, taking lesser positions to move up with his career. At any rate, I'm saying, you are never going to be appreciated for what you've done for your SD or her child/children. My DH has turned against me because of them -- he says I HATED them, I HATE his family, I HATE THIS I HATE THAT . . . honestly, if you knew me, you would know, I do not hate. I may not have like what was going on, and have been frustrated that he is such a coward in his life about EVERYTHING, and he's now even afraid of the FUTURE and doesn't know if he wants me in it or not. I'm trying to be supportive but I'm also moving on with my own life; I'm going back to school and I advised him before he left (again another night in a hotel so he can be alone with his thoughts, GIVE ME A BREAK) that I am not leaving this house I have made a home and my son still comes home to visit -- I've made it a home for 12 yrs and I'm not walking . . . he has done this before in his first marriage; he kept leaving and going to stay at hotels and his kids remember that. His ex finally got fed up and filed for divorce, and the real HELL began. But that's HIS problem -- so Stepmom, you are so young and I'm sure a wonderful person; and you have a young one to think about like I had my son. Don't end up alone like me, wishing you hadn't tried to buy the SD's love . . . trust me, I did try to "buy them" and it didn't work -- here we are, old and now if he ever gets the guts, we'll both end up alone. Find a quiet place to go with your lovely husband and keep the communication going about whatever . . . I made the mistake of "assuming" I knew what my DH was thinking, as he is "assuming" that I HATE everyone and everything now . . . take care of YOU, BE YOU, and DON'T lose sight of YOU like I did. You are a valuable human being . . . you don't know how much I would love to hear that from my DH just once before it's over. Hang in there . . . spend the money on your daughter! God's speed!
Oh, Old Stepmom, you and I
Oh, Old Stepmom, you and I are cut from the same cloth. Your SD sounds like an entitlement-rich spoiled (army) brat. It also sounds like now that she's married and has a steady income, she is choosing to cut off those who have helped her out in life. Tisk, tisk. But I agree with you, I would NOT do any Christmas shopping for someone who chooses to not ALLOW me in her life. And her withholding the baby from you, well, that's just cruel. Your DH should do any and all shopping for the baby and his daughter (if he so chooses). SD is HIS child, and the baby is HIS granddaughter. Hell would freeze over before I would go out of my way for someone who treats me like gum under their shoe. It's just a really sad situation. Continue to NOT contact her in any way. Yes, someday she will grow to realize that she does need you. Hopefully, by then, she will see the err of her ways.
I have older step daughters
I have older step daughters who have done nothing but "emotional blackmail" their father (they picked up where the bio-mom left off) for YEARS. Now I'm in jeopardy of losing my marriage because DH blames me for their final break. (In their late 20's and already married, they decided to be legally adopted by their stepdad to remove their bio-dad from their clutches once and for all). I went down that road with them, as gum under their shoe . . . and I'm still sticking! I think my DH is going thru a mid-life crisis and the regrets and guilt is more than he can handle so he is shoving me aside, but I'm not going any where. I tried to buy their love and trust me, it doesn't work. And for kids to use our grandchildren as pawns is a total cliche and just mean. My DH has grandsons he hasn't even met. I hope one day what my dear daddy always said will come true . . . "What goes around comes around". Hang in there!
update to all from Old
update to all from Old Stepmom. Well we cashed in a ton of change and I was given 400$ to shop for my daughter, new baby granddaughter and then
after reluctance on agreeing to just do for the kids.......hub said get SD and her hub gift card to restr. for $50. So me and my 11 year old go to mall and shop for her, as she rather pickout some clothes and i threw couple tee shirts in as surprise but I'll later wrap up for her as it's easier to know it fits etc. as i hate shopping! As for the grandbaby and SD/family I beg husband to be the shopper as like he said, I should not be so controlling....... he can do it!!!!!! actually shop for them all. But, as expected he says I am giving you the $, go shop I don't want to
but then tells me spend 200 on our daughter 200 on SD granddaughter ( thought excessive as we are not her mom and mom/dads' do Santa shopping>
But I go, shop call and tell what I bought as it was fun.......... and he second guesses choices... afraid SD won't approve or what not sure. I held my cool, I know he is stressed. Note: All baby toy crap I bought was 6+ or 12+ and baby is 7 mths. Like toy guitar, plastic blocks, learning muscial everything I could find, loud, educational and annoying. NO MORE CLOTHES as she has yet to put a lovely outfit on the child that I have bought..........note I gave $300 in lovely dresses and saks, yet to use SD mentioned...... Anyhow, so when I come home I tell him all is done, gifts are appropriate.. The man (hub) backed down but my goodness....... the second guessing and ability of SD to put this drama into what used to be fun is driving me nuts. So I sleep on it and have a good night. Tomorrow in my faith, St Nicholas Day, we give one gift to children. Did it for 45 years - my still does for me and my girl. So I get new granddaguther one of the books from shopping spree and wrap to put where she sits in church as her ST Nick gift. DH debates for an hour, on how she should be given the gift as has not actually spoke to SD since that visit where she berated my not paying for baptsim. I tell him, STOP IT, WHO CARES, I WOKE UP FEELING, HAPPY, ITS ST NICHOLAS DAY, TREAT THE BABY NORMAL and since I never did the gift thing for SD after she moved out,. so what it is more of a kid thing really. so we go to church and they are not there. I left the gift, in the pew. Small church won't get stolen. Child may or may not get it, won't know who any of the $200 is from anyhow nor remember since she is 7 months old but bottom line. I took the high road. For now........ and hub loves me for it I can tell but also is madder at SD too as none of this should be as it is.......... I love all the advice and keep it coming. He does still give the BS comments like it is me control freek wicked stepbitch(*&(&*%^%$ on occasion but overall has communicated that I did more for the kids then her mom ever did alll her life - Again note. They were only together for 6 months of the childs life. Ex married him for a meal ticket, after two years of on and off separations, got preg had baby then split back to US from overseas.
All year she mentions idea
All year she mentions idea of surprise party for her dad to my 11 year old as something they can plan together. I email on when/where, costs and venue as out of town people s/b invited and it is a month away and during holidays. She freaks at comcept of me not paying for this party. I reply, with how well her and hub are doing, thought they were hosting / paying since they had idea and in adult position now. Note, We have paid for every graduation, dinner event etc. forever, and ever and now after layoffs they make over 50,000 more then us. So, she calls daddy, tells him I put strongs on all the gifts they got foever and showed him email about the party. He has been sober for many years and almost lost it.
Do I invite her as me and 11 year old are moving forward with party as my 11 year old wants to and he deserves it.
DH said don't call or email her as she is a troublemaker and then will say I was a difficult SM and I tell him I will be a difficult mom if my daughter does things I don't understand as I tried to treat her for 24 yers like my own when she was under by roo.... . But others say it is his daughter, he'll cool off, invite her. I know she will ruin the surprise again or show up and cry in corner and be the victim as usual... I gave her uncondiational love but remembering the lies in journal that I forgave that she blamed on her mom putting in her head, and now this, make me want her to move back to Kansas!
Answer: ON Thurs I sent Emailed PDF of invitation. SHE HAS YET TO ANSWER. Was advised to take high road and invite her as she is his daugher.
What will happen next???????? Bet the brat doesn't show. Goody for me but sad for him but at least I can say I invited her well in advance instead of the day before like some advised.
Well, at least you can show
Well, at least you can show your husband that you tried. I don't get it, why she is now being so awful. You have been with her for 99% of her life. It sounds to me that you and DH need to talk it over more. He made the decision you shouldn't call for you. Why? What is his posture on the relationship? Isn't he going to tell her off about her poor behavior?