My BM and Me

I need some advice on what i should do about my own bm and I. I've gotten mixed feeling towards this and you all are so helpful i figured i would explain everything to all of you..

a little background..

My mom and dad got divorced when i was 4 and my brother was almost 2. My dad got remarried to a wonderful woman named michelle and she had a daughter who was the same age as I. Well my bm is alot like my ss2 and ss3 mom, she pretty much abandoned my brother and i most of our lives. When she was pregnant with my brother she didnt want him so she wanted an abortion well my dad told her that if she got an abortion she would never see me or my dad again so instead she tried to kill him several times, throwing her self down the steps, drinking, drugs. Instead of killing him she gave him a disability calles Aspburghers (not sure if its spelled right) but its a disability that has autism, and a bunch of other disabilities all in one! Basically it means my brother is delayed he is about 7 years behind his age. Well my mom as my brother got older couldn't handle it so she began to abuse my brother. to make a very long and painful story short she called my dad one day told him to come and get my brother before she killed him. So my brother went and lived with my dad, and my mom still had custody of me. She kept me for about 2 years after that then she developed a big drug problem, so i then lived with my dad.

When we started living with my dad she used drugs more often, started standing my brother and i up when she was supposed to come pick us up, and starting to care less and less. Thankfully we had our sm which my brother and i both call mom and have for many years. my SM has brought my younger brother so far in life he graduated high school this year, and has made major medical improvements!! Our BM had absolutely nothing to do with his development.

Our BM has barely showed up to anything important to my brother and I, didnt make it to his graduation which was june this year, not to my wedding which was almost a year ago, barely made it when i graduated, skipped out on everything and hasnt spoken to my brother in almost 3 years. So recently about 5 months ago my brother and I wrote her a letter expressing how we feel basically told her we didnt appreciate how she treated us and that its not fair that she does this to us. Well when she got the letter she called me and started flipping out telling me how ungrateful we were and that we dont appreciate anything and making a total ass of herself. i didnt answer the phone and let her leave me all these nasty voice mails and the last one said "f*** you im done with you and your borther", and havent really talked to her since. I told my SM and my dad that i dont plan on ever talking to her again, and my brother feels the same. My family on my moms side feels so sorry for my mom and its always been poor bm poor bm, and it shouldnt be like that so they are completely ignoring my brother and i also. My dad keeps telling me to just be careful and dont do anything i will regret, he says that he isnt telling me to talk to her but just to make sure its what i want before i do it. DH agrees with my dad

I know its what i want, i basically went my whole life without her in it, every major thing that happened to my and brother and i happened without her support, the way i see it i think i could go the rest of my life without ever speaking to her it just kinda upsets me that my moms side of the family will also ignore me. So i dunno what to do, im my eyes i have a mom and have had one sine i was 4, she was the one that was there when i needed anything and has always been there. My SM thinks the reason i handle my own situation so well regaurding my ss2 and ss3 is because i was once the kid in that exact same situation..

i tried to shorten this up a bit cause their is so much i could have included and didnt, but any advice would be much appreciated..

ohiomom2twoandmorel8tr's blog
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Mothers came in different

Mothers came in different forms, as do fathers, looks like you were meant to be your SM's daughter - not your birth mother's.

She's lucky to have you and your brothers. Thanks for reminding us that we can and will make a difference in our SK's lives.

have thought about it

We were looking into it and shes more than willing to do that! It doesnt cost much, but it would mean the world to my brother and i. But would result in my moms side of the family for sure ignoring me for the rest of our lives, but i guess you lose some and win some!

I say go for it.

I haven't had a relationship with my father in over twenty years, although I do still stay in limited touch with some members of his family. My stepdad is who I mean when I talk about "my dad" and he is my children's grandfather. DNA doesn't make you a family or her a parent.
________________________________________________________________

ANNE 8102 ♥ GEORGIA

I think that

you should let her adopt you. As far as your BM is concerned, let it go. It is what it is, and likely not to ever change. Don't stop yourself short of having a real mom by hanging onto the past.

I agree with your dad and

I agree with your dad and DH, don't burn the bridge til you know you will never want to turn back. BM obviously isn't right in her life or choices - as for her family it sounds like they all enable her to stay this way which is sad- I think you should think about seeing a therapist to help with figuring out how to handle this part of your life, and maybe begin to heal more since you have started(as you mentioned the letter to BM I assume that you and brother used it as a way of trying to get out some of the feelings you have been holding onto- or that hold onto you) the process.

Best Wishes!

There is no reason where logic does not exist

First of all

Let me say what a strong and wonderful person you are to have lived all this and still be a well balanced, loving person and I am sorry you have lived this, how hurtful it must have been and still be.

I would also like to mention Asphergus, my ex partner and my ex SS of 4 years have this and you are able to have a very normal and productive life with this, with the right love and tools, such as what your wonderful SM has given to him. You will find he has a special gift, usually musical or artistic, make sure he finds this gift, as his life will be forever rich and wonderful if he finds his special something..My ex is a wonderful, talented musician, he plays 10 instruments and basically knows how to play anything he picks up, even if he has never seen it!! He was given an instrument at age 4 and life has been a wonder to him ever since. He is also a computer and gadget wiz!!

Anyway, sorry for the babble..LOL. Home is where the heart is, don't end or start anything with your birth mother, just as they say, let sleeping dogs lie...You have a mother and a father and the drugs have made your BM a selfish and bitter person, don't waste one more day of your life on this woman. To call you and have anything but sorrow and regret for what she has put you and your brother through, should tell you enough, even age hasn't made her wise or a better person. Kudo's to your SM, embrace her and let go of BM and if her family don't see her for what she is, let go of them too. Enjoy your life, don't let her waste one more minute.

Peace and happiness to you and your family

Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*

This hits so close to home!

I am the middle of 3 girls. My younger sister had a baby in March 0f 2004 and he has full blown autism. Up until January of this year we had little to no contact with her or my mom and stepdad. My younger sister and mom both developed serious drug problems with pills and alcohol once my nephew was born. Long story short my older sister and I took our nephew from our younger sister and have been caring for him. He was severerly delayed when he came to us as they were so drugged out they did not care about his progression. So now my younger sister has been busted for prescription fraud. My mom has been in re-hab twice and now lives in a a half way house. In April of this year the home I grew up in along with all the items that I grew up with were auctioned off. They blew through right at $500,000 over the time since my nephew was born. My older sister and I have always been treated like out cast by our mother and younger sister. She is our half sister. So last weekend my H and I went to see my mother at the half way house and she was in a total sour puss mood. Well of course that just tore me up just the way her treatement of me always has.I have long ago resolved that she is my mother and the only one I will ever have despite how she may have treated me we do not get to chose who our mother is (unfortunatley). I love my mother but she is an adult and I cannot change her or any other adult. If she were to pass I would morn her for what she had done with her life but I would not morn my loss of her because I have not had her for so long. From experience do not resolve to never speak to her again. It is not as though you face having to see her daily and avoid her. If on the chance you do have to see her be cordial and remember you are your own person and she is the one who has missed out on you and your brother not yall missing out on her as a mother figure due to you had your SM. I know the struggles you feel in your heart about your mom and my heart goes out to you. As far as your mother's side of family again they are adults and you cannot change them. You said they are all poor BM well you know the truth and so does God and that is all that matters. Again there should be no loss there due to it does not seem as though you have had them as active roles in your life anyway. You hold your head up and be proud that your dad found such a wonderful woman who you now call mom and focus your attention on them, your brother,and your family and don't waste your time worrying about your mom and her family and cutting them out of your life. That worry will drive you crazy becasue you will never see any results or change from all of your worry and chances are you are the only one worrying becaue pretty sure your mom and her family are not. Head up young person!

thanks!

To everybody for all your comments, they helped me emensely! It actually makes me feel at peace with my decision to just let it go. As far as the counciling goes i have been in and out of counciling my whole life due to my mom, and for whatever reason the advice they give me was always basically cut my losses and let her go, and i just couldnt except it because i thought ya know thats my mom and she deserves another chance, but people can only be walked on so many times so i guess i took their advice to heart! But thank you all so much for your input!!

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