BM says she wants to make amends but I don't believe her
I've gotten several emails from BM the last few days saying that she wants to do whatever it takes to put our past behind us and get along for the sake of SS. To put it bluntly, I don't believe her one bit. I think this is just her way of exercising control over us. Not only that but I think that it's her way of saying that it's OK for her to press all the charges she wants against us, but now that we're pressing charges against her and she knows she's F$%^ed and no one is on her side (and she may incur huge legal fees, lose her job and custody of her son - which are the three real reasons why I think she's doing this, in that order) she's freaking out and trying to call a truce.
What should I do? Should I accept her olive branch and try to make things better, not knowing if this is going to turn into yet another disappointment? Or should I just ignore her and spare myself the trouble? The optimistic part of me wants to believe that anything is possible, but the realist part of me that remembers the past 3 years of hell she's put me through say otherwise.
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Stick with your gut feeling
We have also found ourselves in this position lately. BM has been an out and out Bitch....until she realised we meant business. She suddenly started to tell SS that she was trying to be `friends` with us, we believe that it was another way of her trying to make herself look good to SS and if things didn`t get resolved out of court then it would look like it was our fault.
Luckily enough SS realises that the reason things can`t or won`t be resolved before court is because the court ordered a Section 37 report to be done and that is totally out of our hands. For some reason, she is absolutely crapping herself at this report being done.
BM had an agenda, she knew we weren`t going to put up with her crap any more and after trying to use SS and the contact we had with him to get at us and that failed, she split with her BF and thought we`d be gullible enough to go along with her idea of all being `nice`, even thinking that using her `charms` on hubby and giving him the sob story on how she`ll lose her house due to losing benefits if we have SS more than we do now. She was hoping that he`d be soft enough to fall for it.....Wrong!! We told her that her finances and debts are no concern of ours whatsoever apart from making sure maintenence is paid for SS, he`s our only concern. We told her that no way were we going to put ourselves in the position of being trampled, manipulated and lied to any more and that we have every intention of letting the courts sort things out, whatever the outcome may be.
We honestly believe that SS is being coached and totally manipulated but we can`t seem to prove it, we`re just hoping the social worker will be able to see what`s going on and how much we love SS to bits.
Regardless of how things turn out for us we will always be there for SS and we are past the stage of falling for BM`s BS. We would love more than anything for BM to be amicable and reasonable, dare I even say it....nice about things, but we know that after all the BS we`ve had from her that it`s not something she can do without there being some benefit to her.
You could accept the olive branch but can you really say you have enough faith that she`s not after something? Or that she hasn`t got a hidden agenda?
Go with your gut instincts, we women are good at that and I think we`re usually right.
Whatever you decide, I hope it works for you.
Don't let her back-pedal!
Personally, I wouldn't even bother with her olive branch. And like you said, she's only offered it because she knows she is in trouble. Actions speak louder than words. When you actually see her putting her son first, rather than causing trouble between you and SS, maybe then you can reconsider calling a truce. For now though, don't even let her try to back-pedal out of this one!
BM shouldn't really have anything to do with you. Any interaction between the two of you or BF and her should strictly be regarding SS and nothing else. Sometimes we get caught up in the pettiness of it all and forget about the real issue at hand!
I vote for being distant,
I vote for being distant, but cordial, and definintely don't engage. She has to prove herself first. Your gut instincts are there for a reason... self-preservation.
~ Anne ~
We are the masters of our own fate; the architects of our own destiny.
I've talked to her a bit
I told her in a nutshell that I think it's ironic that it was OK for her to do so much to us in the past year of them being divorced, but now that the tables are turned and she is on the receiving end all of a sudden it's not OK anymore and she wants to call a truce. She is begging BF to drop the charges on her, and he answers with "Where was this attitude when I asked you that same question?" She tried to give us this bull about her charges being through the state, but I told her that if he can drop his charges, she could drop hers. I asked her why it was OK for her to lie twice to get two different orders of protection on BF, then to lie in court to defend herself, but it wasn't OK for BF to use the REAL evidence that he had against her to do the same thing. I told her that before I could even think about "making amends", she would have to admit that all of these fake people she pretends to be online to talk to me don't and never have existed. To my suprise, she admitted it. I asked her why she kept up the fake personas years after I told her I knew that they were all her, and how that benefited the situation. I told her that we don't lie to her and never have, yet she lies to us constantly and expects us to trust her? I asked her why I should believe that she is sincere when she has burned me so many times in the past. She says she doesn't want to see her son hurt. I asked if she was willing to admit that she was a big part of why her son was hurting, and she gave me this generic blanket statement on how we are all guilty.
So basically this is her way of trying to come out looking the best and like she is willing to work with us. I think if we don't drop our charges, she's going to turn that to her advantage and use it to look like the victim of her rotten ex-husband and his jealous new SO. All of her emails to me lately have said that she thinks we should drop all of these vindictive acts because it's not good for SS and will affect his relationship with BF. I told her that I can't explain how offended I am for BF that she is trying to pretend like she's done nothing wrong all this time and now all of a sudden we're being vindictive for no reason. How is it OK for her to have gone so far out of her way to keep SS from BF, but now that WE'RE the ones pressing the charges it's BF who's ruining his relationship with SS?
UGH this woman is unbelievable. I seriously don't trust her at all. I don't see how she could expect me to trust her with all that she has done. What do you ladies think? I personally think I should never have started speaking to her again.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
Go with your gut
I know how you feel you probably started talking to her to try to get her to see reason. I would not trust her- from the sound of it she knows she is in deep. If you drop them then next time (if there is one) it might be harder for you to get the charges and it might be brought up why you dropped them before.
My husbands ex is acting the same why- he made a counselor appointment for him and her to go and talk about treatment and she canceled it but showed up anyway and spent an hour trying to convince my husband not to go through with the counseling- the coversation started out she was asking then pleading then trying to cut a deal with him- it went to how crappy a father he was to it won't do any good with the kids to you are the devil and you live with satan (that's me lol)anyway my point is she is nice b/c she wants something i am sure is it was on the other foot she would not be like that- she is going to use every little thing she can to bring guilt on you guys-
My husband and i have talked and we are taking the ex to court so that ss can get some help that he needs- and if she tries to deal then we are not going for it- she had her chance she has had many chances- she need to realize she is not in control and she can not do what ever she wants that there are consequences to her action and she does not hold all the power- hope this helps sorry i went off on my little rant- stay strong- consult your lawyer- this is why you pay them good luck
Do not let her talk her way out
of all the problems she has caused you and your family. She is not sorry and if you accept her apology then she gets off easy again. Stick to your guns on this. And if its one thing I have learned over the years its to trust your gut instinct... So go with that..
Happy
" make sure you tell the people you love most EVERYDAY.. Its important not only for them to know but for you to tell.. Life is to short to be miserable..
No Freaken Way
I'm sorry sweetie, but I have strong feelings on this one.
You have been through hell because of this nut job. How many 'olive branchs' have you given her, only to have her shit on you.
Remember last week, when DK said the same thing to me. "I want to make amends". The same freaken words. So I talked with her.:sick:
Where did that get us. She called us alcohoics that need to find God. 2 Days ago DK actually called BF's Mother to tell her how badly he abused the girls with his disipline and that WE are abusive military alcoholics that need to 'own up'.
We haven't seen the girls in almost 2 months!!!
I do not trust these type BM's as far as I could spit. Please, please, DO NOT FALL FOR THIS BULLSHIT.
My best wishes are always with you.
"I'll be alright in a year or two after I calm down". Detective Donahue - Soap
She is a master manipulator
Next time you start to believe that she really is willing to work with you this time, remind yourself that you are being manipulated into thinking that, and that it's not the truth AT ALL. She is a master manipulator and you are her prey. She knows exactly what buttons to push and you, being the nice person that you are, fall right into her trap every time you try and give her another chance. Break the cycle. Don't engage anymore. And don't question whether it's the right thing or not. You've been burned too many times to justify giving it another try.
We're here for you!
Let the judge rule...
It only takes one court appearance for a judge to tell a woman to knock it off or you are losing your kid. If you give her that olive branch, you are taking that punishment away from her. You definitely need to let the legal system take it's course on this woman, otherwise, she is just going to continuously manipulate you guys further and further. Right now, she is invincible, she knows it, and she knows she will manipulate you guys to drop the charges, and she is going to do that by playing "nice".
The one time we held bm in contempt of court and she had to pay for the court costs....she was never late or missed another visitation drop off again, and her attitude was a little nicer...
Stick to your guns, hold the charges, let the judge rule, and she probably will never defy an order again.
Candice
You know...
I would drop all communications with this woman in less is directly is/or impacts SS, period. By the mere trying to understand, and even communicate with her the why now scenario, you are engaging with her and her mind game. I believe firmly that you should continue with your charges, pull alll the reins back and only commence on communications with her that have a direct correlation with SS. I feel that she is back pedaling as someone else put it, and she is trying to now flip the the scene as you say.
By engaging with her and even trying to 'come to terms' with her, disprove her, or even get her to admit she's done wrong, you are playing into her mind game, the wheels are turning in your head, and you're starting to respond... what she wants. Stand your ground and stand firm. Silence is the best tool for this type of individual who is a master at manipulation. For one thing, you may tell her one thing, but she will interrupt and rationalize it into something SHE feels you meant... if this makes sense?
It's like DH who just went to mediation... BM kept bringing up things like DH threatened her he'd take her to court... but that's not what he said to her. He simply told her how it was going to be, becuase he's already been through this process. He said that IF the state comes after him, he will get an attorney to protect himself. He also went onto explain that when you add attorneys, the case will get ugly. At no time did he ever threaten her that he was taking her to court... the state took him to court on her behalf, he has an attorney to protect his own... see where I'm going? She fully and utterly took things out of context.
Silence is golden, makes their head spin even faster because they can't figure out where you are, what you are thinking, and what you have planned.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
Well
The more I listen to what she has to say, the more I am realizing that this is just her way to manipulate us and get us to drop our charges against her. She claims to want to work together and put our past behind us for SS's sake, but what it really seems like is her attempt at getting us to give up and let her off the hook while preserving as much of her image as possible. I feel like she's using the fact that we've pressed charges against her to make us look bad, even though she's done much worse to us in the past. She has dropped her charges against us (except of course the child support lawsuit) and is trying to use that as another reason why we should do the same.
I can understand dropping the phone harrassment charge against her, as that is a criminal charge and I would hate to have SS go through the trauma of seeing his mother arrested. But BF has said that if he does do anything with that, he wants to reduce that charge to perhaps contempt of the restraining order, which would make it a civil charge so she wouldn't risk losing her job, but he would still be able to take her to court over it. That way he looks like he's trying to cause the least amount of trouble but still expressing that he won't deal with her crap anymore.
I didn't have to wait long until she began slinging around insults and trying to bully me again. I had wondered how long it would take her to lose it and go off on me, and it didn't even take 3 days. Honestly I'm suprised she made it this long. She also tried to make out like everyone in BF's family agrees with her and is on her side. When I mentioned that I have met and spoken to most of BF's family about this situation and I know exactly where they all stand, especially his mother, she called his mother a two-faced bitch! This woman is priceless!
Thanks to all of you for reading this and providing your answers and support. I think that you're right, the best thing for me to do is just back out and ignore her from now on. She's never going to change and her motivations for doing this aren't sincere. Thanks for being here for me everyone
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
trouble
"ignore her and spare myself the trouble" You know that she isn't sincere and why she is doing this so don't bother with her.