Thank you S-talk. For helping me not feel so petty.
Reading posts here and seeing so many relatable topics, makes me feel so much better, knowing it's ok and that I'm not the only one. I'm "normally" a pretty giving, loving, caring person. DHs adult skids bring out a side of me I don't really recognize or like. Hearing so many of you being able to relate makes me feel like I'm not this petty human being, that it's ok to not feel connected to ....essentially strangers who are only in my life because of who I married.
I think mostly my resentment comes from their treatment of their dad and the taking mentality they have towards him. I tried for many years to facilitate and build a real connection with them. It took a few years to realize, they do not want that. Not with him and certainly not with me. Stalk helped me realize that disengagement was not only ok, but the best thing I could do for myself, my marriage and my DHs relationship with them.
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It hurts
It hurts when we realize someone doesn't care to have a relationship with us. Most of us are decent people who are welcomed anywhere. We have to learn to not take it personally since the SKs would probably feel that way toward any SP. But, it still hurts, especially when we want to do well by our DH's family.
You are not petty
You are not petty. I have watched my 3 SD's verbally abuse my DH for years. I tried to intervene and he actually got mad at me, saying he will handle it. But.... he doesn't. He feels guilty about the divorce, and he lets them treat him horribly.
Recently, I have seen him actually stand up for himself, but it took 11 years. He got so mad he yelled at SD16 while she was berating him on the phone. It didnt' even phase her. She kept at him. That's how horribly behaved they are. I am disengaged so he has to clean up after them and pick up pizzas for them on a regular basis, since their BM doesn't cook or grocery shop.. The SD16 drives, the SD18 doesn't, but neither of them have any money and don't work. I told DH not to give out his debit card nmber to them for food because that is where he keeps our life savings. Ugh. I understand the feeling of wanting to slap them into next week when they treat him this way. I don't, but I understand the anger that comes with watching them abuse the person you love. It sucks.
Hang in there. You have to decide if he is worth it. If he is, then disengage from parenting, cooking, cleaning up after them, and support any efforts he has for wanting to stand up them. Not much else you can do.
He’s def a keeper.
He often tells me "I'm so glad I have you, you make my life so much better." I know it's true for both of us. Neither of us are spring chickens and we both understand that adult children have their own lives to live. It really seems like his "kids" struggle with the concept that dad isn't just living his life for them any more. I don't catalog (blog) about how full on his kids are at times. It's a weird dance of withholding information/time/association from him, then demanding he "be there for them" which of course means either his financial assistance or helping them navigate some problem they've got or created, such as IRS or applying for food stamps (yes that's two of them..... adult 34-38 year olds) I find it soooo strange to be like this with a parent.
Disengage, for sure
If he's a keeper, then its time to disengage from his kids. My SD's are the same way. They are withholding from him except when they call and demand dinner be personally delivered to them - because they are sick, or their bio-ho left them alone again. They are 16 and 18 years old. They live with bio mom most of the time, thank goodness. I worry about what will happen when one or both of them show up on our doorstep demanding to live with us. I will say HELLA NO. But DH has a hard time denying them. I just told him its them or me. This house is half mine and I am not leaving.
Glad you are here
It took me a while to seek out others going through this.
Things are a lot better than we think they are and it always helps to have others who are "on your side".
Disengagement is definitely your friend.
I minimize the impact by focusing on their behavior.
If it is decent, fine. If it isn't I address it. Their call. They choose to maintain decorum and adhere to standards of decency in behavior and performance, they do not suffer. Choose otherwise, they suffer.
Their call.
I don't care about the why or their hurt COD fee fees. I care about their behavior.