Wow. I'd say you just set yourself up for a world of trouble telling their mother, in writing, that basically YOU, the stepmother, will control her communication with her kids.

She remained calm & civil. You didn't. In writing.

I know what I'd be doing with those this morning...

Nope...I would have woke DH up and have him reply.
And I probably would have been a bit harsher to you than BM was.
My communication with my children is NONE of anyones business. It wasn't like she was praising him for pissing all over the toilet seat.
Was not something to blow up about. If you SD has a trash can full of tampons...that is on you to deal with no BM and frankly you and DH need to handle it.
As far as SD yelling at SS for peeing on the toilet seat...I think any teenage girl would have done the same thing...right or wrong. Its gross and he needed told.
Maybe not by SD but it needed handled.

In my experience older siblings often try to parent their younger siblings. But her telling him something that she doesn't like or speaking up really isn't that big of deal in my opinion. I would hope if SS saw pee on the toilet seat from BS that he would say something to him. Preferably in a nice way, but hey kids will be kids

How would you have reacted if SD came to you and asked you to handle it?

SD should not have went back and complained to BM because that only causes problems. But you upset her by yelling at her, she's immature I am sure, so she went and vented to her mom.

I dont think the BM stepped out of line. She obviously thinks the texts she is sending to her kids is private.

Do you read all the texts between them?????

I dont think BM was trying to tell SS what to do in your house but in general she was telling him to clean up after himself. I'd be grateful for that positive reinforcement.

My Ex usually tells BS "Behave for your mom and SF". I dont think "Ugh why is he telling BS what to do in MY house???"

BM: Clean your bathroom. Especially if you have guests over.

^^^I guess I don't see what is wrong with this.

As for the rest, I agree with Echo.

PLEASE be aware that there are a few posters on this board that get their jollies off by attacking other women
++++++++++++++++++++++
Yes…it is sickening too.

Anywho…I am on the fence about this. If skids were in SMs house 4 days a month…I would think she went overboard and as a BM I would have ripped her a new one. (Especially when I thought I was teaching my child to clean up after himself..)

However…this is a full time SM. She is more of a BM than the actual BM so I think SM has the say here. Maybe not threatening to cut contact time but she sure has the right to tell BM to stay out of HER house business.

You know? I really don't have that much of a problem with what OP said and how she said it. From what she tells us, SHE is the custodial SM and that doesn't mean that she has to sit back and never say anything in her own home.

Those of us who are (un)forutnate enough to be full timers often times ARE the de facto moms, even if we don't want to be. I would laugh my ass off if Medusa EVER tired to interfere with ANYTHING that was going on in my house.

OP - let me tell you how this may come back to bite you in the ass. IF you and DH find yourselves in court over an issue, BM may try to bring this in as "evidence" that you are a big fat meanie head who should not be around her precious babies. BUT, since your DH is the CP, I am guessing that there is a pretty good reason why the skids are with you and DH and not BM.

Here is another way - BM gets mad because you yelled at her and files a motion to keep you away from her babies. I have been there, done that and not one fucking thing happened.

I know lots of people will tell you that you are screwed, that you overstepped and all kinds of other bullshit. As a SM who is also custodial and disengaged (for the most part), I can tell you that what you did was not the worst thing in the world. That it probably won't come back to bite you in the ass and that, while I would have used different words, I totally get why you said what you said

meh

I don't think you should have bothered engaging BM. But I won't condemn you for doing it, either.

To be honest, if BM wanted to tell skid to flush the damn toilet in my house I'd appreciate that she was trying to make him not be a little scuzbag.

I'm not too proud to say I could see myself responding like you did. I get it; I'm not saying it was the right way to handle it by any means but I think we full time Stepmoms get to a point when there's been enough interference and even the slightest bump in the road is irritating. But still, in all, I think the SD made you look like a huge bitch and she's the victim. Your SS handled it better than anyone by ignoring her. That's what everyone should have done; SD should have ignored SS's mess, BM should have ignored her daughters tattling and you should have ignored their private conversation. How would have SS handled it if he were left to deal with it without you stepping in? He would have ignored her, or stood up for himself and told his mom his side of the story. I don't agree that your was will be handed to you in court because you threatened to limit phone time only because you also put that you wouldn't stop communication just limit it. You do have an argument that SD is trying to involve BM in your household squabbles; SD could have easily talked to you about it since you're more likely to get him to clean his toilet than BM. I think next time you should let SS fend for himself and if he feels like he needs your help then your DH should take care of it leaving you clean handed.