Just when I thought I had figured out all the possible reasons I hate BM, I discover a new one
As some of you know, we had SD's 15th birthday party this past Sunday. BM suggested to SD we have 15 of her friends over our house, (of course) for the party. We had to reign that back to 8 guests, as our house is not suitable for an indoor party of 15 rowdy teenagers, sorry BM.
Our custody dispute has been temporarily hung up due to the fact that custody was actually never legally determined for SD, and the court did not know how to file our petition for custody, whether as a modification, or whatever. So our hopes of having this also be a "welcome home SD" party fell by the wayside, and that issue is still pending.
Anyway, we threw a lovely party for SD, balloons, decorations, games, everything her favorite color, pizza, cupcakes, and a cake made by yours truly, frosted to match her purple bedroom, with strawberries carved like flowers decorating it. Yup, we went all out. SD and her friends had a great time, or put it this way, if they didn't they sure acted like they did. In the end though, they hardly ate any of the food!!! We have tons of chips, pizza and literally half a birthday cake left!
After the party ended and we cleaned up, it was time to bring SD back to BM's house. Ladies, I wanted her to have some of her balloons in her room for the next week, to remember the fun of her party. I so very much wanted to pack up some of the birthday cake, and other food, and send it home with SD. She only got one piece of her cake during the party, and by the time we see her again, I'll have thrown the rest away. If BM was a remotely decent human being, I would have been happy to send enough home for her whole family! But I can't. I won't. I will throw it in the damned garbage before I give her a thing. She has made our lives such hell, treated FH and SD so atrociously, I will never ever do anything for her, and will go as far as to say I won't even do something that indirectly benefits her, unless it is important to SD anyway.
It makes me so angry that I have this good, kind, caring and giving impulse, and because she's so awful, I have to squelch it. Some of you talk about the Stepmoms in your life, now married to your ex, and how good you get along with them. I don't understand why it can't be that way. I don't want to be her best friend or anything, but I would like to be able to extend a kindness, if for no other reason than SD. But I can't, and that gives me yet another reason not to like her.
SD's grandfather came over for her party, and reaffirmed that BM and her husband talk crap about not just FH but me too. They also said we "live in the ghetto" I guess the ghetto is on the campus of an ivy league school. Not that it's right, particularly in front of SD, but BM and FH have ancient history, and have had to deal with each other for the last 15 yrs, so I can, at least on some level, see expressing frustration with him. But me? I have met her all of 3x and been perfectly polite each time, and I've never done anything other than support and love her daughter, and she damned well knows it. 
Ugh, carrying around this much anger and resentment towards someone isn't good, I need to work on letting this go....
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if u succeed, please let me know
so i can do it too.
im just like u...i dont understand how a woman who doesnt know me, a woman whos CHILD i take care of, comfort when shes crying, go shopping for, fix her hair, teach her things, etc, can hate me simply bc of my existence. but she does. and she has from day one. made it clear that she "doesnt wanna deal w (me)"...all bc she cant stand that im living the life she tried to force on DH. its sad.
but at leats SD had a great time. and im sure the custody thing will be ironed out soon and she will be home w u and FH where she belongs.
big hugs girl...ur a great mom and dont let her get u down.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
I try to do this now, but
I try to do this now, but she's just got so much power and control in the current situation, it's difficult if not impossible to feel sorry for her. I think once the tables are turned, and SD is safe and beyond her clutches, I'll be feeling more charitable.
I mean, on I do feel sorry for her to some degree for what's about to happen to her. Given her sole function in life is being a mom, and she's having one of her kids taken away with the full support of her own father, I mean, man, that's gotta hurt. Hopefully it'll be a wake up call.
But unfortunately the conflicting side of that is she's created this situation through a lifetime of negligence as a parent, all at the expense of a defenseless little girl. Pretty tough to feel sorry for someone who abuses children as far as I'm concerned....
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
You go with your Ivy league hood.
College campuses are incredible places to live on or near. The engergy and the intelectual stimulation pouring around campus is almost tangible.
Just don't let her toxic crap bother you. Let her wallow in her ignorance and idiotic behavior.
I have made barring BioDad and his familie's asses somewhat of a sport that I now get great and near total joy out of. I let them get angry and frustrated.
Best regards,
I know I'm such a jerk
getting her daughter tickets to see Barack Obama speak at commencement last year, about a block from our house. Man, how ghetto. Then again, BM said if a black man or woman ended up president, she was taking her family and moving to Canada. LOL, clearly in addition to being an ignorant racist, she's very informed about the state of affairs in Canada...
Thanks for the support Rags, I know I'll get past this, just sucks on the way there....
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
If she wants to move to Canada, don't let the door hit her in...
the ass on the way North. I find it interesting that many people on both sides of the political isle have threatened to leave our country if the opposition candidate wins. Johnny Depp, Alec Baldwin, and now your BM. When are they going to live up to their word? I have split my Presidential votes 4W-3L since I voted in my first election after turning 18. Regardless of my candidate winning or loosing the elected President is MY President and I support them as the holder of the office. The White House is bigger than the person who presides there and it is the office that should be respected whether or not we respect the person who holds it.
Anyone that would threaten to leave based on who wins or looses an election has no business being here.
Aren't idiots entertaining?
JMHO of course.
Best regards,
You
seem like you are being the better person in this situation caring and loving.I would careless what the bm thinks as you will never be best buddies.Go on doing what your doing and it is the right thing.
Thanks Sam
I know if I had sent the cake home it would have just been ridiculed, or deemed disgusting or something (whereas SD had no cake at all at BMs) it would have been just one more thing for her to criticize me/us over, and I'm certainly not going to give her AMMO.
*sigh* I was just raised to be a gracious, kind person, and it grates on me to go against that....
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
I could have written your post myself...
a thousand times over.
It'll come to you...all in due time.
I don't resent BM too much anymore. I learned to forgive her even though she's not sorry.
Why? Because it's what separates me from her.
I'm better than the anger and resentment that kept me up many, many nights. I DESERVED better than enabling her to have such a huge negative influence in my life.
It was a long, impossible road for me to learn to forgive her. But I do. She's angry because she's hurt and she projects her hurt thru her rage. I try to understand her inability to cope and then I respond with sympathy rather than reflect her anger. It took a fabulous counselor to get me this far, but I'm so much happier now that I don't harbor that resentment.
But it took a LONG time for me.
For now, embrace your anger (because you have every right to be)and then when you've gotten all you can out of it....let it go.
What's that saying? "Forgive your enemies...nothing will annoy them as much" or something like that....
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
It gives me hope that you got there
I know I can get there too, I think once the custody nonsense is over with, I will, by default, end up trying to help SD through understanding the negativity and abuse she suffered from her mom, and really the only way I can do that is foster sympathy and understanding of her mom's limitations, so she won't be a lifelong victim of BM's rage and poor impulse control.
Once I know she's safe, and I know SHE knows she's safe, I'm sure things will be easier. But it's a hard place right now, and I know it will get worse before it gets better...
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
CG -
That is a very profound statement you made there.
"She's angry because she's hurt and she projects her hurt thru her rage."
It speaks volumes to what I deal with our BM. It is obvious that she is angry. She recently told DH and I that she would not pick the kids up to play babysitter for us!!!! They are your freaking kids. Is it babysitting when they're yours? Maybe the jury is still out on that one. IDK.
People who get on HIGH Horses will find the fall to be painful. ~ME :->
Ugh...
Just went thru that with BM. Told me I "owed" her when she insisted that SHE stay home with her own daughter. Um, I'm sorry I can't rationalize that with you....
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
You are not alone
Only difference is that my kids live with me. BM really doesn't want to do anything but pretend that they interest her at all. I too am in a situation where this woman HATES me and I fear would possibly do me harmif given the opportunity. (See my post of "Boy I Tell Ya" to see what I'm talking about). This woman is not in touch with reality. She refuses to acknowledge the fact that SHE cheated on DH and he divorced her and moved on. That he is blissfully happy now. She thinks that if I were not in the picture she would have a chance at getting back with DH. Has even poisoned the kids into thinking that, but they know better. She can not accept that there is no place or room in DHs life for her. If there were no me, there would be another woman, girlfriend or step mother to contend with. And I believe that she would despise them equally as much as she does me. It has nothing to do with that I take damn good care of her kids and we provide a wonderful home for them. It is merely that I am living the life that SHE should have had.
Sorry that you can't, but just think, in about 3 more years SD will be preparing to go off to college and you will have less of idiot BM to deal with. Hell, I'm counting the years. My youngest is 12 and in the 6th grade. Boy I can't wait. Not to rush them to grow up, but to change my home number and NOT deal with her. The DAY the youngest graduates HS my number will change. That's a promise.
People who get on HIGH Horses will find the fall to be painful. ~ME :->
The last knock down drag out some of these same issues came up
BM was crying to FH about how she's stuck home all the time with just her kids, and how back when they were together, he "abandoned" her. Okay first of all, back when they were together was 13 years ago, when they were both 17 yrs old, not married, and she, just like your DH, cheated on him, and left him. No, that somehow has become "he abandoned her."
Secondly, she's on her second marriage since then, and deliberately got knocked up with these kids. How is any of that his problem!?
I think once all the custody stuff hits the fan, we will not hear much from BM. Once she loses her paycheck, she won't want much to do with SD other than to occasionally lay a big guilt trip on her for "ruining" their family. BM hasn't shown up for SD's events, graduations, banquets, games, nothing, we do it all already. She has told SD and other relatives that as soon as SD is 18 (aka end of child support) she's out of her house for good. So like I said, once the child support is gone and the dust settles, I think BM will disappear for the most part. She truly doesn't know how to love without selfishness....
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
That
is something to be proud of.
I hear you, northernsiren...
I've pushed down many a generous impulse with our BM. Again, same old same old--she treated DH like crap (no sex for a year), cheated, wanted the divorce--then became the poor victim when he moved on. (are these morons all reading from the same playbook?)
Anywho, we tried to help her when she was having trouble paying the heating bills last winter and "had" to sell the still jointly owned house. DH and I worked for months to figure out a strategy and ended up selling part of their land that had his mom's old trailer on it. He was the agent and it was the deal from hell. Very difficult buyer, had to deal with MIL, pipes froze two days before the closing, etc.
Sale was about to go through and she tries to lay all kinds of unacceptable conditions on DH--giving herself the lion's share of the proceeds! He wouldn't budge so she gave in to the very fair deal. Then again when refinancing the home (yay he is off the note!), she tried to do the same thing--not give him money and have him keep paying taxes. Again, he didn't budge. That little deal took six months of torture.
If she hadn't been so difficult, we would have gladly helped out over there a lot--supervise the boys cutting wood, get them organized to do home repairs and painting (like they did at my house--for pay), etc. When DH took his riding mower (still paying for that too), we tried to give her my new push mower. I don't want "her" mower, she said!
So, we just have backed off and will do nothing for the woman. Kids probably suffer but what are you going to do?
I have also felt this
way NS...you are not alone. I am, buy nature, a very loving and giving individual. Bm seems to take all that away whenever I have to deal with her. It's sad really.
These BM's tend to bring out
These BM's tend to bring out the worst in all of us.