new stepmom looking for advice
I am a new step mom to 4 adult boys, ranging in age from 19 to 28, all are married and there are two grandchildren, we got married 4 months ago. My new husband is 20 years older than me. He was married to someone 10 years younger than me, she passed away a few months before we met. We dated for almost 4 years and his kids were happy with me as long as I was doing something for them, cleaning, cooking, giving them money, and as long as the word marriage was not mentioned. If their dad mentioned marriage, I would always hear about the problems they created afterwards, they would tell him not to marry me, saying I was a gold digger, etc. His financial situation is very decent but not extreme, although his children think he is super wealthy. I made as much money as him when I was working but, gave up my job 2 years ago to take care of him and his family which, is what he asked me to do and was I was happy to do it, because I was ready for a committed relationship. When they would react to his mentioning of marrying me, I would just ignore their behavior, thinking eventually they would settle down and accept the relationship. When he asked me to marry him for the 100th time, I finally said yes, we decided to tell his and my kids afterwards due to the resistance. When his kids found out, the youngest son and his wife were livid, they demanded he divorce or annul the marriage, telling him he could do better than me, said I was too old for him, he should have younger, etc. They actually arranged a surprise date for him with someone much younger, hoping to persuade him. The problems have continued, with emails, texts and just constant nasty communication. I feel so hurt, because of all that I did for his family, I felt so used and betrayed, I decided to distance myself from them. It amazes me that these young adults feel it is ok to communicate in such an insulting and disrespectful way to an older adult. They have had the nerve to tell their dad that I should apologize to them. I have told their dad that I am done with them, and I will never communicate ever again with any of them. At any rate, just wanted to get some feedback from the users on StepTalk, have I overreacted?
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No over reaction - if he has
No over reaction - if he has money they sound like entitled little shits - your DH needs to stick by you period - if the kids can't take it then tough shit - you knew there would be problems or you would not have gotten married and then tell them - how does your husband react to his kids way of treating you - that will tell you how your life will be - I would have nothing to do with them - you are married to your DH and if his children are going to be assholes make sure they don't do it around you. Good luck - it is so stupid that they want him to be married to someone younger - if you don't mind me asking how old are you? Be strong and stand your ground!
Also boys love their mothers and if she died they may have a hard time with someone new but apparently not someone younger - they really do sound horrid.
Just to put this in a little
Just to put this in a little perspective here- first off, if he has $15 in the bank or $15 billion, that is absolutely none of his childrens' business. That is private.
Secondly- If their main concern with your marriage is the financial implications towards their father, who is the gold digger? Sounds like the "kids" are way more concerned with Daddy's money than Daddy's happiness in his old age, or having somebody to spend his golden years with who cares about him. In that case, I guess their opinion wouldn't mean much to me. I don't concern myself with the opinions of people who I don't have respect for.
Thanks caregiver1127 so much
Thanks caregiver1127 so much for your help. I just feel so alone in all of this. My friends have been married for years. So, they have no clue on how to deal with any of these issues. Although they support my decision and say they would not talk with the step kids either. I just turned 55...going through this stuff is making me feel so much older. My new husband, he flip flops so bad about the issues. When he is around the kids, he sympathizes with them because he says he doesn't want to hurt them or cause anymore problems. I wish he would stand up to them. When he is around me, he says he doesn't blame me for not wanting to talk to them, and seems to understand and says he will be ok with it all. Before we were married, I told him he would have to take into account that if they reacted badly, I would not have anything to do with them, because I just cannot handle the drama at this age. He was ok with that. We have very recently moved to my home state, which is 3 hours by plane away from his kids, so I am staying put here, hoping this will help to eliminate a lot of the problems. Appreciate your help!
Distance is the key - we live
Distance is the key - we live 2 1/2 hours away by plane from SS and BM - thank God - if i had to live in the same state one of us would not have made it alive for this long - enjoy your home state and when your hubby is with the kids you won't have to be - not ideal but at least they are not around the corner up your butt all the time.
PS - they should be happy that someone is taking care of their father - 75 is not young and 20 years is a difference but at least you are young enough to take care of him - my hubby is 10 years older and I am a nurse he always told me that he married me because one day I will be taking care of him and he won't need to hire a nurse - I tell him I am putting his butt in a nursing home - lol
Thanks everyone....it has
Thanks everyone....it has been so great to get the feedback! So sorry if anyone else is going through the same stuff as me...but apparently I am not alone, just reading a lot of the blogs, seems like it is pretty common. Stumbled upon this site tonight and so glad I did!
You have not over reacted in
You have not over reacted in my opinion. They will learn to deal with you or they will stay away. There is no middle ground that I would accept if I were you.
Welcome, I hope you find out community to be a good place to vent, contribute and pick up some good advice from others living the blended family dream.
Best regards,
You have most definately done
You have most definately done the right thing, they are spoilt little bastards if you ask me. Your husbands finances are none of their business, they sound like greedy little trolls who think you are stealing their inheritance.
I really hope DH sticks up for you. Put yourself first i dont think you will ever be able to please those kids so dont bother trying
This sounds like it is all
This sounds like it is all about money. How insulting that an ignorant 19 year old and his equally ignorant young wife (almost new to the family one would presume at that age) think it is appropriate to tell dad he should get an annulment and then arrange a date for dad with a younger woman. Like what makes this wife think she has any claim on the family jewels. They are so dumb. It doesn’t even make sense. If he married a younger woman, they would stand even less chance of inheriting all that money they think is theirs. Further, they have *no* appreciation of the needs of a 75 year old man.
All that alleged money that dad has could easily be eaten up in health care costs. Block all messages from them and go on with your life, and make sure your wills are in place. Take care of yourself and take care of your husband. You don't have to explain or defend yourself to any of these greedy, insensitive gold diggers. If they never come around, that is likely better for you.
Problem is, like everyone is
Problem is, like everyone is saying, he has to stand up to them and I just don't think that is going to happen. He doesn't want further problems, so he just won't tell them how he is really feeling. He has said to me so many times, he dreads his visits with them because the only thing they do is beat him up over all the issues, and complains to me constantly that they are only interested in his money. So sad that at his age he has to experience this. For me, I am done with them, I am back in my own home which is approx 1500 miles away from them, with my husband, family and friends, the people that love me, around me. Plus, now, with what everyone is saying to me, I know I have done the right thing, so good to have the support, thanks everyone!
NSM54 - I have to interject
NSM54 - I have to interject in here - when the hell does these freaking issues ever resolve - your husband is 75 - why the hell does he have to choose between you or his kids - why do these kids have that power - that is the real issue here - he should tell them that if they want a freaking dime when he dies they better tow the line - I have known very rich people whose parents have kept them in check with this very threat - you don't respect me, you don't listen to me, you embarrass me, you quit working and get lazy - guess what you are out of the will - I have a friend that hates her father's 4th wife - but when you stand to inherit a boatload of money it makes you act a little differently - with the 3rd wife she practically ran her out of the home - so the father told her pull this shit again and your name is out of the will - my friend is very polite and respectful to her newest mom - hates her so much she can hardly stand to be in the same room but bites her lip because she knows her daddy will leave her penniless - if what it takes is threatening with the Will so be it - since you live so far away the day to day is great - have your DH have his lawyer write up a letter that this is my wife and you will respect her or the WILL will be changed.
That way he does not have to say a word to them - you can be blamed who gives a shit they will have to be nice to you and so what if it is fake - you will barely see them and believe me even though they don't like you - you will get great satisfaction out of the fact that they have to be nice to you - really it is the best sort of revenge with a happy outcome for you. They will never like you so they should have to pretend to - lol
Excellent advice about the
Excellent advice about the will!! Hopefully your husband can see the wisdom in it, otherwise he continues to be enslaved by his children's greed.