You are here

Is it us or them

newmom01's picture

Submitted by newmom01 on Tue, 06/14/2011 - 9:39am

Man....I have been reading these long vents on here this morning/last couple of weeks and I just cant believe it......I have been a member on here for a while now and everbody ...when I say everybody...I mean everbody's DH have used the same terms/phrases in heated arguments including mine! I know that when people go through things they feel like they are the only ones going through it, but its freaking unreal the stuff us SM/2nd wives have to deal with marrying a man with children. And they all do the same stuff... trying to grant BM every wish, having kids over more than what is required without asking SM if it is ok, buying them things when (we) really cant afford it, trying to make the sk's room into thier shrine! when they are only there a few days out of the month....It's crazy but funny at the same time...I think that we sm's should have like a family reunion agree to meet someplace once a year and wear shirts with our screen names on them ...laugh and talk and catch up with each other ....and also have games where we bring either BM's picture or DH's picture and our own darts to throw at them to try and get a bulls eye, and we can also have pics of sk's so we can play pin the tail on the donkey!

Comments

newmom01's picture

Submitted by newmom01 on Tue, 06/14/2011 - 10:04am

Yeah ...as many of you kind of know my story, The 2 years that me and DH dated daily,weekly every weekend....I knew he had kids, and I saw the type of relationship he had with them and BM....BUT as soon as we got married it changed instantly! kids started coming over more, BM started gettign sick on a regular basis and needing DH to pick them up, the holidays and summers week planning???.....NONE of that exsisted AT ALL sk's NEVER spent holidays/summers with dad...he just got them EOW on a regular!!!!! I had started seeing a counselor on my own a while back to deal with some issues regarding BM, Sk's, and DH.....And she asked me if I felt as if I were "tricked/fooled" cant really remember her exact word but it means the same thing...and I said yes! I married him thinking that I could handle everything according to what I had seen over the last 2 years of regular/all the time dating......And then it changed basically after 2 weeks of marraige....Some of us walk into this and dont really know what to expect and then there are those who were tricked!

z3girl's picture

Submitted by z3girl on Tue, 06/14/2011 - 10:11am

My DH was really onto something when we met...I should have paid more attention to it. MY DH who has a daughter REFUSED TO DATE WOMEN WITH CHILDREN after he got divorced. His requirements were a younger woman who had no children. He wanted more, and only wanted to raise his own. Hmmm...what an EXCELLENT idea! WHY didn't I listen to his own advice?!

briarmommy's picture

Submitted by briarmommy on Tue, 06/14/2011 - 10:25am

Its the bait and switch that all of them pull that gets me, there happy with there every other weekend and summer then all of a sudden as soon as the ink is dry on the marriage certificate they want full custody and there kids are there more and more.

Dory's picture

Submitted by Dory on Tue, 06/14/2011 - 10:34am

Yes, I've come to the same conclusion as you having read about people's situations on this board for a long time. It really seems like a scientific formula - all our stories are the same, the details are just slightly different. It's a human behaviour pattern. Very interesting and all that from an objective point of view, but shit to live in it. I'm 15 years younger than DH. BM is 9 years younger than DH and post-divorce he also dated some women quite a bit younger than him. I asked him, quite early into our relationship, why he didn't rather date women closer to his own age and his reply was - "they were too bitter". My DH certainly got a good bargain with me - young woman with not too much of a past! However, what is rather funny is I am a tad bitter about the shit that I've gone through in the past with BM and skids - a lot of it of his doing.

overit2's picture

Submitted by overit2 on Tue, 06/14/2011 - 10:47am

"Yeah ...as many of you kind of know my story, The 2 years that me and DH dated daily,weekly every weekend....I knew he had kids, and I saw the type of relationship he had with them and BM....BUT as soon as we got married it changed instantly! kids started coming over more, BM started gettign sick on a regular basis and needing DH to pick them up, the holidays and summers week planning???.....NONE of that exsisted AT ALL sk's NEVER spent holidays/summers with dad...he just got them EOW on a regular!!!!! I had started seeing a counselor on my own a while back to deal with some issues regarding BM, Sk's, and DH.....And she asked me if I felt as if I were "tricked/fooled" cant really remember her exact word but it means the same thing...and I said yes! I married him thinking that I could handle everything according to what I had seen over the last 2 years of regular/all the time dating......And then it changed basically after 2 weeks of marraige....Some of us walk into this and dont really know what to expect and then there are those who were tricked!"

See this scares me so much-for the 2 years bf and I have dated-I've noticed that slowly but surely BM pawns SD off on him or his parents a LOT more then when we started dating. ALso-it seems he used to get more upset/fight this more-whereas lately here even if he does his own thing he seems more "accepting" of this situation. I know SD has openly said she'd want to live with us if we married. I know BM would try to pawn her on us. The thing is I'm quite certain I do not want her full-time. I do not want to raise my kids with her full-time...I dont' want a one big happy family with her...I do not even know if she is bf's nor does he really. So-NO I'm not raising someone else's kid whom is likely not even his-even if she is treated as his D. Just not in me.

I know this much for certain-our marriage would NOT survive if she lived with us full-time, our relationship strains just having her EOW-or the two weeks in summer (which I hear they want to make 2 more-ughh fuck that, not my problem)- and ample odd weeks for spring break/winter holidays, etc.

Honestly-I really don't know that I want to marry knowing this can be thrown my way-my life is good as it is. I may one day try living together with VERY clear rules that she will NOT live with us and that I will be consulted and have to agree to each and every time a visitation is to take place, period. W/out that hard rule there will be no co-habiting. As a secondary measure-I'm beginning to re-think getting a 4 bedroom-even if we move....I'd LIKE a guest bedroom for visitors-but her having her own room would likely just extend the visits-no thanks!