From a SD's point of view...
I read a lot of your blogs on here and realize all the difficulties of being a stepmom. Now I am too a stepmom....never imagined I would be! But I grew up being a stepchild to an "evil" stepmom (as I would have put it for the first 18 years of my life). This is how I felt about her and why.
She had 3 daughters of her own and one son. She started dating my dad before I was even born....yep my dad left my mom while she was pregnant with me (which is what ended up happening to me 20 years later! weird huh?!) Well I guess it was true love for dad & my stepmom cause they got married & are still married to this day. It was awful being the "visitor" when I came to see my dad. I was definitely inlove with my dad though, huge daddy's fan! My stepmom never showed affection towards me...you could tell it was just a job for her to have me there once a month, if that much. I never had my own bed to sleep on, i was on the couch or slept with one of my sisters. I don't remember her talking to me, the only times I remember her communicating with me is to yell at me. She always made rude remarks if I wore shorts or tank top or bikini...I felt like she was always comparing her daughters to me and never EVER wanted me to be better than them at anything. If I ever said a joke, she somehow would relate it to hurting her feelings then my dad would come lecture me for being mean. NEVER did I say a joke about her or towards her...I have always been a sensitive one and joked a lot about silly things (im like my dad...just keep humor in life). Example...one time I was in her kitchen and spilt some juice on the floor. I grabbed a rag and got on my knees and began cleaning it up. Well like usual I made a joke. I said "I feel like Cinderella!" Well.....my stepmom took it like I was calling her the evil stepmom & the my evil step sisters! NEVER did that cross my mind when I said it but ofcourse i got a lecture on that later that night.
I was such a sensitive person and it made me cry everytime I was pointed out to be a mean person. I never actually hated my stepmom, I just hated the way I felt when I was around her. I never felt like I could open my mouth without being humiliated. As I got older (highschool) I started to notice how much she just wanted my affection, my attention, my forgiveness. I started to give her hugs every now and then and once in awhile I'd slip out "I love ya'll" instead of just "I love you dad". Eventually I could see my stepmom come around and start to actually like me as a person...i think the fact that half my dads paycheck wasnt going to my mom anymore helped the situation a lot too...now I actually text my stepmom every once in awhile. She gives me advice in being a stepmom. We workout together sometimes, bla bla. Its good now. BUT it did take TWO to do that and it did take encouragement from my dad. Plus my stepmom can now look back and admit...she was crazy! LOl she really does admit it!
I know now as well (as I knew then) that my mother was a pain the hole. She was very bitter towards my dad & stepmom. They were always fighting over me and money. I knew how much my mom disliked my stepmom so I knew better than to say anything good about stepmom. I HATED hearing about their fights. My mom would get sooo mad and sometimes would slip and tell me what they did. My mom always tried reminding me that I have a very good dad, that i was lucky. She always said that but it was like pulling teeth for her everytime LOL. My mom is STILL a pain the butt for my dad sometimes BUT o well...dad is a pain in the butt as well. Anytime I would ask for anything when I was with my dad and stepmom, they would tell me to ask my mom for it...that's why he pays her. One time my mom & I hadn't got my 8th grade graduation dress yet, well I was with my stepmom and sisters at the mall & I mentioned I needed a dress. My stepmom used the excuse again "thats why we pay your mom, tell her to get you one"...ugh it was exhausting.
I dont know if this helps anyone at all. If you wanna ask me anything, please do!
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Comments
At least you can admit that
At least you can admit that it takes both of you to resolve SM/SD issues. Have to tell ya, the 'Cinderella' crack could have been taken in different ways, according to the 'setting'. If you were as angry as it seems you were at the time I can understand how this could have been taken as offensive. But that said, hats off to you for 'growing up' and taking the responsiblity of creating relationship with your SM. Just wish MY SD would admit it takes two instead of insisting it is ALL my fault.
I never had the guts to make
I never had the guts to make a mean remark towards my stepmom, she scared the crap out of me. I seen her spank and slap her daughters all the time....so I know I didn't crack that joke to get under her skin. I'm suprised she didn't flip out on me right then! But it hurt her feelings more than making her mad...which is probly why she tattled on me lol
I wish this would've given me
I wish this would've given me hope, b/c my SS is already in high school (SR to be exact). and he still treats me like shit.
well I should've been
well I should've been clear....it was AFTER I turned 18 and started facing the world on my own. There is always hope. I know there are a lot of stepmoms who feel like they dont love their stepkids and feel life would be better without them...but I say, God put us in this position for a reason. We can't give up, we can't be hateful, we can't blame others, we just gotta keep our eyes on the "prize"....I just keep trying to be the stepmom I wish I always had no matter what.
It sounds as if you HAD a
It sounds as if you HAD a good Step Mom too. So many SD's transfer all of the anger toward their SM instead of discussing the REAL anger they have about how their parents divorced - leaving them without a choice.
They were divorced before I
They were divorced before I was even born. I never understood the difference...I never knew what it was like for mom & dad to be together. So I disagree that I grew up bitter towards her for the reason. but NOW after I went thru what my mom went thru (being left pregnant for another woman) I do have bitterness towards her sometimes...but i didn't know the difference way back then. I was bitter towards my stepmom cause how mean she was to the kids...she had SIX kids total (step+bio)...i understand that can drive anyone a little coo coo. I know you are probably thinking I was probably rotten and threw tantrums and bla bla bla...no. I observed my other sisters to all the damage, I just sat back and never opened my mouth but still got disciplined BECAUSE when one child was in trouble, every child was in trouble...i was VERY shy around my step mom & dad. Cause anytime I was too rowdy, I was humiliated. They even say to this day, all they had to do was give me the "eye" and I would put my head down and cry!
Yes and what sucked more
Yes and what sucked more about the money situation is that I never saw a dime of it. Once I turned 18 and went to college somehow my dad cut the childsupport off. Now I am living on a dime every day while my sisters are in luxury. BUT life happens and I'm okay with it.
I just wanted to say that I
I just wanted to say that I relate to your story. I had a SM like that. I felt like I never belonged, was just a visitor - I kept my mouth shut and my head down. I NEVER wanted to make trouble or disappoint anyone. I was good kid, respectful, polite and extremely anxious around my SM because she made me feel so "less-than" her children whenever I visited my biodad. I had nothing of my own at their house - I slept in my younger half-sister's bed, I was required to leave any toys I received from them at their house, which were played with or broken by my younger half-siblings. As a young child, that made me feel so unimportant to them. When I had the opportunity to NOT go over there, I took it! I mean, they didn't want me there anyway, right?
Fast-forward to today: My biodad left SM after 36+ years of marriage. Left her for a younger chick. She's barely getting by, financially (after all those years of telling me how glad she'd be after I turned 18 and they didn't have to pay child support any longer).
It's weird. I feel bad for her, at her age, in this situation. But I firmly believe that you get back what you put out there...
Sounds like you're doing a good job figuring it all out. Thanks for sharing your perspective.
My best to you!
Wow! Are stories are soooo
Wow! Are stories are soooo similiar! Thanks for sharing. Nice to know someone else knows where I'm coming from!
I have been having a hard
I have been having a hard time with my DH's kids lately. Just feel no connection with them. Period. But I am glad I read your post. I know I need to change my attitude around his kids. I have really distanced myself from them recently. I'm not saying I want to be their 'step mom' or feel as though I will ever love them, but I don't want them to think of me the way you felt of yours. And I think that's how they feel now. I'm not mean to them. I just ignore them. But I guess to kids so young that is mean, huh?
I believe that the only thing
I believe that the only thing worse than hatred is indifference.
More than anything, young children need to feel safe and secure in their surroundings. Knowing that they are in the care of adults who love and care for them, who have their best interests at heart, who treat them with kindness and teach them with patience, is more important than anything else.
Love is a choice. We choose whom we love. We are presented with many opportunities to love others throughout life and we choose from those, don't we? Some people require much more work to love than others, but they are just as worthy of love and kindness as we are. Especially children.
It's possible that you feel that you cannot connect because you're trying to connect on YOUR terms. Maybe you want them to show immediate connection when you reach out. But that doesn't happen. I like the analogy of parenting to tending a garden or a tree: It's just a seed. You water it, fertilize it, you protect it from harsh weather and insects, but you don't even see the beginnings of the fruits of your labor until it sprouts. And even then, it still needs tending. And it STILL doesn't give you anything! It has to grow and mature before it offers fruit. That's what parenting a child is like. It's not a fast food window. It's a garden. And it's worth it. They deserve it and so do you.
Loving and caring for children without the immediate connection can be a LOT of work and it's not immediately gratifying, but the payoff is spectacular.
Blender that is how I feel...
Blender that is how I feel... I feel as though I have to ignore them because I don't agree with the way they are raised/treated like babies. It has shut me off. I'm sick of giving DH suggestions and him not doing anything about it. It isn't my problem anymore. That's how I feel. And in response to the above post, I really don't care if his kids feel a connection with me. That isn't a reason why I ignore them. They warmed up to me very fast when DH and I got together. I just got to the point of not wanting to waste my time giving a damn when their own parents are the ones who should. It's their job. I'm not saying my DH doesn't care. He loves his kids. He just babies them and I feel in a way that is a form of not caring. It won't teach them motor skills or having any responsibility.
That's because you take it
That's because you take it personally. You can't do that. My mom gave me that little nugget of advice when I was about to have my first child. You can't take anything your child (or stepchild) says or does personally. It's absolutely necessary to stop doing that! It affects how you treat the child! It affects your attitude, it distances you from them, and then it makes the child feel like that did something wrong, even if they're just chanting "Going to Mommy's! Going to Mommy's!" What's so wrong about that? Nothing, except YOUR reaction to it. It's YOUR problem, not the child's. You can't take stuff like that so personally. It's not about YOU. Recognize it for what it is, own it, then let it GO.
You can't live your life like that. No one can. Let go of the resentments, let go of the irritations. You can't control the child's happiness to see their Mom, regardless of what you think of her. But you CAN control your reactions. You CAN control your thinking and you have the ability to stop your negative attitude toward the child. Don't you think the child deserves at least that from you?
JMHO.
I agree - try to not take
I agree - try to not take things personally from a 5 year old kid who is just making noise. There are positive ways to handle the situation. But when they are adults they need to communicate as adults. My SD36 is a very intelligent woman but at times still acts like she is 7 years old. I guess you have to look at intent. If they are purposely rude it IS personal. I would give anything if I had a SD with an attitude like Newbie2. 20 years ago I really tried - now I'm done.
Totally agree!
Totally agree!
I have a question. Until I
I have a question. Until I met my DH, I had never experienced any sort of step-life. I don't have any of my own, so his are/were the only kids in our home. I feel like I have always gone out of my way to make our house feel like a home to my DH's kids. I was the one who made sure they each had a bedroom to call their own when they were with us. I always made sure their bedding was clean & that we had their favorite foods in stock when came to visit. I always made a point to give them time with their dad when they stayed with us. (Really, I did this to a fault, to the point where I was making myself feel like a visitor in my home.)
It isn't difficult for me to love my stepkids. That never was really a challenge for me. My SS will be 18 in July & my SD will be 15 in September. We haven't seen them in a year-and-a-half. We have accepted that if they are ever going to come back around it will likely be as adults. I want to have good relationships with them. I want them to feel good in our home. I don't think they're angry with me, but they struggle with accepting me because of BM.
Do you have any suggestions for what I can do (should they choose to come back around) to make it easier for them to accept me if/when they come back into our lives?
Sorry it's been a couple days
Sorry it's been a couple days since I've been on here. Well it definitely sounds like you were doing a good job in the first place. When/if they come back around just don't be shy because they will take it wrong. Be open to them (even if they brush you off) and be interested in what they are up to. And be prepared for the worst, they might be bitter or say rude things bla bla blah like most stepkids. If bad situations like that come up just be considerate of where they are coming from (a BM!) and be open about where your coming from. Its just easier for a relationship to be possible if you decide to give it your all and not hold grudges. One mistake, one selfish moment can't make it soo much harder to have that relationship with your skids. They expect you not to want them around, they expect you to be quiet and to yourself, they expect you to be rude and selfish...prove them wrong and just be who you want them to know. If you missed them, tell them! If you want them around more, tell them!
The most important thing is
The most important thing is to make sure you and your DH present a united, supportive couple. If you do not it will be easy to transfer all of their anger at you for their parent's divorce. I went through this for 20 years before asking for specifics on what I did wrong and they could not come up with anything. Yes, they may be may be hurting and it is important to have compassion for this. But when they are bitter, rude and disrespectful but it should not be condoned in your home - especially if they are older. They should practice mutual respect.
We pay $1200 a month in child
We pay $1200 a month in child support, you better believe we tell MOM to get the dress, get the school supplies, buy the clothes. We don't have money to spend on our own needs because we ship off our cash to BM! And $400 a month for medical!!
Well tell MOM to do it...but
Well tell MOM to do it...but it's not the kids fault and you shouldn't take the other kids shopping and only buy for a couple of them then tell the skids that no they can't have any cause of the BM getting enough money. Thats grown up business. Not fair to do that to the skids.
My kids knew their sm loved
My kids knew their sm loved them and wanted them around. They loved her and her BM children. Kids can sense things like that. When their daddy left beloved SM#1 for hated sm#2, They were heart broken and devastated. My daughter cried so hard she throw up when beloved sm#1 had to move from the family home.
SM#2 was not very understanding about their feelings and didn't want them around. They hated new sm and made her life a living hell. It was so bad they eventually divorced. Kids are grown now and they still love SM#1 and have a relationship with her and her kids today. And...they still give their daddy hell over leaving beloved sm#1. But the point is, little kids know when they are not wanted.
I also believe a relationship is much easier if you enter a child's life at a young age verses a teenages or an adult.