Sounds perfectly normal to me!

Look, whether we admit it or not, we all have days where we can't stand our kids... the ones we gave birth to as well as the ones we acquired when we married our spouses. I think it's part of the push/pull of the mother and daughter relationship. She's also twelve and probably trying to act like she's going on sixteen, right? She's probably got attitude to spare, just like most kids her age. You probably get annoyed with it, just like most moms of most 12 year-old girls. On that level, I think it just comes with the territory.

But I really, really think that while it is perfectly normal to feel what you are feeling, it's not okay that it makes you feel like a bad person. Stop beating yourself up! You're only human! If you find a place to vent (like coming here and griping to us) and let it out, you may find things getting a little easier. Keeping it bottled up inside because feeling it makes you think you're a bad person just isn't doing you or the situation any good. She makes you mad? Well, okay then! Be mad! You're entitled! It's okay to get aggravated, but dump it on us, get it out of your system and stop carrying it around with you. If you let it out instead of keeping it in where it makes you feel bad, then you might find it easier to bear. It's okay to get fed up with our kids. Maybe just some good old-fashioned venting will lighten the burden a little and make it easier for you to deal with her twelveness.

~ Anne ~
My crew: SD15, SD14, SS11, BS9 and BD4

Child rearing in general is not easy! As a mother of my own children, I do get very frustrated and annoyed with them, especially in the dreaded teen years. But you know, it passes and then they become really fun again. I have a great time with my daughters, bio and step. You can too...be patient with yourself in the meantime!

It is refreshing to hear these responses, some of the responses have been a little depressing lately in criticizing people for having honest feelings about skids that are perfectly natural, skids or biokids. Skid issues can be esp. difficult because we don't have the biological triggers/rewards re: skids that we do toward biokids, we just don't ... *throws up protective shield* hey, c'mon I LOVE and ADORE my skids AND I base my actions on their best interests (which sometimes, btw, means taking care of me -- doubters, I challenge you to pick up any research based-book on parenting or stepparenting, your choice). BUT sometimes my skids make me crazy, just like regular kids. My bio parents sometimes were grouchy toward me simply because they were having bad days. I try to recognize when this is happening, and when it does sometimes although certainly not always I can even be a big enough person to say to my SS or SD "you know what, I'm sorry, that was out of proportion -- I'm just being a big cranky puss today"

Great advice from the other responses, that's just what I try to think about. Although I'm no saint! I try to be patient with them and myself, pay attention to what the real triggers are, and remember to relish the joyful moments and not always to follow the "rules". It's like that commercial where the kid sprays the mom and the mom looks like she's about to yell and then sprays the kid back with the sink hose. I love that. Also, I try not to be focused on what others are doing "wrong" -- DH, skids, my mom LOL because when I do that it sucks all the joy out of life. It can be a hard balance when one is trying to also teach good principles as a parent or stepparent, I just try to remember that they are principles, not daily checklists. If a principle isn't being learned through the rule-reprimand approach, perhaps it's time to adopt a different approach. Just things that I think about in my own life. Good luck.

are critical and doing your best in school, in my own opinion, is a non-negotiable principle or "rule". And just in my opinion, of course you should care what her grades are if you care about her. For me, the question is how to approach encouraging the good grades and how to think about the issue if the grades aren't good (or other rules aren't followed), and being able to distinguish between issues like grades and other levels of rules, like jumping on the couch and keeping the bathroom clean (which are also important, just in a different way, and I try to remember that when I react to my skids). Also, in my life it is important for me to distinguish whether I am feeling strongly because *I* feel violated, or because it really is what's important for my skids well-being, and being able to take those emotions apart. Most rules are a mixture of the two, which is ok! But for me it's important to adjust my inner reaction to see the issue as the latter rather than the former, or I get caught up in my own self-righteousness which doesn't do either of us any good. I'm not saying that's what you do, but that's the trap I fall into. I think this trap exists for parents whether they are biokids and skids! Both biokids and skids have grade issues, and both bio parents and step parents find it excruciatingly frustrating when a child isn't doing his or her best in school. So I don't think there's any reason for guilt in feeling frustrated, if it's coming from a place of caring for her. My approach is more about trying to keep each issue in perspective, and to approach it in a positive way to achieve the desired result with the focus on why the result is important, and not why I feel violated because my rule is being broken. Does that make sense? For me, these are the principles, but I am certainly not always successful in implementation (ask my DH and skids )

but for the life of me I can't see why. Needing a "super kid" isn't important to me, and we do see a lot of that these days. But for me, doing my best in whatever I do is a critical and fundamental life value. I don't need to be "the" best but I need to try *my* best. I think it is important to pass this value on to my skids, whom I love and care about very much even if I didn't give birth to them. They are my family, and became forever so when I married their dad. Good luck to you.

For my kids I have always stressed to them that I expect them to always do their best. I have never asked them to get good grades and have never punished them if they have not. When they were little and just starting school I wanted them to think of school as fun and not a burden. I told them that I always did my homework right when I got home and had a snack so that way I could go and play and had the work already under my belt. I have yet to tell me kids to do their homework or study for a test. They are both honor roll students (they're 13 and 14 years old).

If you have never gone through it before then WELCOME TO TEENAGE DAUGHTERS!---lol
I have 6 biological daughters and love every one of them with all I have. I felt they were perfect angels and could do no wrong then came preteen and teen years with hormonal changes! I don't think anyone or anything can prepare any parent for the frustration that comes with this time period. I didn't believe it could happen until I went through it. Not my angels!---lol
My sixth daughter is finally entering this stage and my oldest is 21 and just starting to not "hate" my cruel misunderstandings of her very important feelings and needs.
I am actually looking forward to empty nest syndrome...I never thought I would enjoy that!
Now compound that with Step and you have a lot to deal with. Try to bring dad in and have him enforce the rules right by your side or instead of you. then you are not as frustrated and angry and she will be more willing to accept it.
One trick I found works with my kids is for example...they leave the bathroom messy, then they go to use the phone. I stop them and tell them that they don't have that priviledge until their responsibilities are taken care of and if they don't respond they lose more and then have an additional chore for not doing it in a timely manner. Insert any broken rule for messy bathroom and any priviledge or want (not need) for use the phone.
Whatever you do put on a strong appearance and don't let them know that they frustrate or anger you. Keep your voice and facial expressions smooth and even. They come to realize there is no flexiblity it is business like.
Good Luck!

Lisa Dawn

My daughter is 12 and getting sassy, My new stepdaugher is 14, and I am premenopausal!!! My poor husband..I don't know what he was thinking when he married me. The timing really is awful!! I hope we all survive.