advice needed
SD has an opportunity to go to Washington DC on a class trip, she is in the 8th grade.
This, in my opinion, is a very important step in her education and morale.
Neither one of her bio parents have the money, but originally they told the child 1 yr ago each would pay half. Now, she is not going (unless I pull this stunt), This trip has to be paid for in the next couple of days or she misses out.
Should I pay for the trip? It could cause the BM to hate me more for spending so much money on her kid, it could cause the SD to like me more or to "USE" me more!
What do you think?
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My vote....
Would lean towards the no. It is THEIR responsibility. I would vote yes into chipping in towards the half that your husband owes but that is as far as I would take it. Don't you dare feel an obligation towards this. You would be opening up the door for all kinds of conflict I think - a few you have already stated.
On another note, I am a biomom as well and would never have promised my child something that I could not follow through on and would NEVER allow someone else (whoever) to pay for something I promised. Its a tough lesson SD is going to have to learn. But she's obviously going have to learn this disappointment sooner or later and you can't bail these people out every time they make a promise they can't keep.
"To the ass, or the sow, their own offspring appears the fairest in creation."
any more votes?
so far 1 yes, 1 no
any tie breakers?
Too funny....
I usually agree with Daddysgurl too!!! Maybe I'm having an off day. It's just that I, too, have paid for an art class or soccer or a whole birthday party and in the end just felt like I was taken advantage of by BM.
"To the ass, or the sow, their own offspring appears the fairest in creation."
I vote YES!
Who gives a crap what anyone thinks?! It's a gift you want to give to your stepchild and that's a beautiful thing. Any mother who would begrudge her daughter something so important because it makes herself look bad isn't much of a mother at all.
~ Anne ~
"Love, having no geography, knows no boundaries."
(Truman Capote)
my vote: YES
Your SD will either remember the trip she never got to go on, or she'll remember the fabulous and life-impacting trip she got to go on...and because of her Stepmother. sounds like a win-win to me.
The BM will get over it. She shouldn't have a problem with it to begin with.
i like your
point of view on this mom-like.
Have to agree
I have done this for ss's and it has just turned around and kicked me in the butt! If hubby would say, sorry, I can't afford to pay for that, BM would say, tell SM to pull out her cash....and she would say it in front of the kids. If I said no, then the skids would be mad at me and BM would say, oh ya, if it was for BM's kids, she wouldn't hesitate to pay, but since its for you boys, she doesn't give a shit.
I think the BM should start to pay for her consequences by saying yes and now no, she can't afford it. When I am not sure if I can afford something or not, I always say, we'll see. That way it gets the kids off my back for a bit and it also bids me some time to put $ away for it.
Corie
Can you or DH talk to BM
Can you or DH talk to BM about it...and say you are going to loan her the money. That DH will take so much out of CS until you are paid back. She doesn't have to know the money is coming from you, she can think it is from DH. Of course, you will also be covering DH's portion. I too would feel badly for SKID who didn't get to go. But yes, again it would be a big lesson for her. This can go either way. if BM truly feels saddened that her daughter can't go, maybe you can loan it to her, but if BM doesn't care...why should you?
conditions...
I would pay for it, under conditions. I would sit down and have dad and yourself explain that this is not just a free trip. Have her pick up a few chores, do some things to show she wants to go. You can not punish the child for BM mistakes. She can offer to babysit a couple times without being paid for a family member, do more chores, or mow lawns, or even if it is not that, you can make up a written agreement that if grades go down, this will be the last trip. In the end, you do not want her to look back and be the only child who did not get to go, but that is just my opinion!
new info
grandma of SD just gave us new info after talking with her. here is the scoop, SD is playing this game right now and doesn't want to be at our house because we have too many rules, her friends are at BM area of town (only 1 mile from us so she can ride her bike over there) so far her game has cost dh $300 in legal fees because BM is using this to go to mediation and try for 100% (now 50/50). dh and i were talking last night and decided SD is doing all of this as a manipulation to get material/monetary things from us. SD thinks I "buy" her love. the truth is i have always been a generous person, before her, I spent lots of money and time with nieces and nephews and friend's kids etc.
so bottom line, as unfortunate as it is i am not paying for this trip or spending more money on SD
Fortunately, you found out BEFORE
you were kind enough to give her the money for her trip. It is a shame your SD is playing this game because SHE just lost a great opportunity to go on the trip. Do not feel bad that she can not go now... it is HER loss since she wanted to be manipulative. And do not allow her behavior to hinder your generousity towards the people who appreciate it.
What doesn't kill you, will make you stronger!
Damn!
I voted YES until I read how much $$$ we're talking about. I wouldn't pay that for my own kid.
~ Anne ~
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