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Feeling guilty. Is this as good as it gets?

NeedHelpPlease's picture

Submitted by NeedHelpPlease on Thu, 05/26/2011 - 4:41pm

So, sadly I think I might have found this website a little too late. OR I’m saving myself from making a huge mistake.

I posted my story here not too long ago, although I’ve been reading many of your stories for a while now. To make it short, I’m 33 with BS5, and BS7. BF 39 has SD 12, 13 & 15. When we met things were great, but it didn’t take long for BM to try and destroy things. We now have everyone full time, with visits to BM’s house every other weekend. It has been a CRAZY year together. BM has taken away many experiences and the fun out of dating and getting to know my BF, and now we’ve settled into family life. SD’s are all finally on board with everything and really like me and call me mom, but after reading some stories I’m really scared. To say our first year was crazy is putting it mildly. It was probably more insane. We have more control over things now, but I wonder what will happen next? I love all the kids and my BF is usually really great, but I’m having issues lately with him being rude to my BS5 and my mom, and I wonder if I should just move on. The thought of leaving him and his kids makes me feel so incredibly guilty though. I had no idea what I was getting in to, and still don’t know what I’m going to do??? I always assumed since I had kids that I would end up with someone who has kids. It seems like all blended families have the same issues though, so is this as good as it gets?

Comments

on the fence's picture

Submitted by on the fence on Thu, 05/26/2011 - 5:00pm

Oooooh. 3 teen SDs and a crazy BM.

Maybe you and your BF need to take a break and go away together to talk about expectations and ground rules as a couple? If he's not open to that, I sure wouldn't stay on guilt alone. Even love isn't always enough. It sounds like you and the girls are ok, it's BF. Have you been able to talk to him about it?

I'd be scared, too.

NeedHelpPlease's picture

Submitted by NeedHelpPlease on Thu, 05/26/2011 - 5:05pm

I tried talking to him last weekend about it but he shut down. I mentioned that it might be good for me to take a step back since he seems really angry and pushed my son. And he hasn't said a word to me since then (last Saturday). And we live in the same house. Sad

alwaysanxious's picture

Submitted by alwaysanxious on Thu, 05/26/2011 - 5:20pm

Oh, I remember that blog now. I'm sorry. Its so hard when they shut down, you can't make any progress at all!

3 teens, that is a lot of pressure too, i agree with 'fence'. You two really need some alone quiet and communication time. I am not sure I would say just leave either, but I have those thoughts daily so i empathize. Its all maddening!

Its been a week, is your DH coming around at all to wanting to talk?? Maybe he's also mad and disappointed with himself about last weekend. Eventually, you both will have to talk about it. Honestly, yes I will say this is as good as it gets. Everyday is a new drama ridden issue, everyday is something to weight on you. At least that is my experience.

The one thing we all have to do is take time for ourselves. Take a break for yourself and go out with a friend. See if your DH wants to take time for himself too.

None of us really knew what we were getting in to. Its ok.

on the fence's picture

Submitted by on the fence on Thu, 05/26/2011 - 5:43pm

I'm Sorry that he's taking something out on you. Pushing a small child is not good and this silent treatment is emotional blacmail. It's abusive. I would not necessarily leave. It seems like you've done amazingly for such a rough first year. I would definitely let him know that the pushing and silent treatment and guilt trip bullying will stop now. Don't let that take hold and become ok!

doll faced sm's picture

Submitted by doll faced sm on Thu, 05/26/2011 - 6:32pm

Knowing full well that my FDH could beat the living crap out of me if he wanted to, I would have absolutely, positively lost my effing mind if he pushed my kid. Win, loose, or draw, I would have tried my damnedest to beat the holy hell out of him. I would not have been above using a bat to make my point.

You say that he's sometimes rude to your son and your mom. Nip it in the bud as it is happening. I went through this about a year ago w/ FDH; for a while, he kept calling my daughter stupid/idiot/etc. when she did typical dumb kid things. I would bring it up to him after she was in bed, but it didn't seem to change. I started calling him out on it in front of her; no adult likes to be made a fool of in front of a kid. Just to be clear, these confrontaions almost universally led to out and out verbal fights, but I was tired of the b.s. I occasionally still have to squash mini recurrances, but it's nothing like it was.

NeedHelpPlease's picture

Submitted by NeedHelpPlease on Thu, 05/26/2011 - 7:04pm

That’s exactly where I’m at with this. I seriously feel like I’m going to lose my mind. I’m upset, shocked, hurt. I’ve been through hell and back this year with BM and his kids and have done everything for all of them (probably at the expense of my own kids too) and now my son feels like acting up and gets pushed. And to top it all off, when he fell he cut his face on the dog kennel too. BF is 200#, BS #40. There’s no way he could’ve stayed on his feet after that. I’ve bit my tongue soooooo many times with his kids when they go through their crap, and then this happens.