In regard to the Ellen blog...
As both a BM and a SM I go through and read posts just as they are to be taken... normal people coming in and blowing off some steam so they can hopefully continue on with their day as usual.
I see BOTH sides of the coin. I understand that I love my own children UNCONDITIONALLY. When our family was still together I quite often felt as though my children misbehaved and quite often I found myself feeling as though I was their maid and their cook and that they didn't appreciate me in the least. I would get angry when I would tell them to clean their bedroom and 4 days later when I went to put away their clean laundry I would swear as I tripped over their mess to get to the closets and dresser... difference: I love my children UNCONDITIONALLY and that allows ME to have the patience to deal with my own child not to mention, it is MY God given RIGHT to deal with it. When you have your own child you VOW to protect that child no matter WHAT the cost. You carry that child for 9 months and it is a part of you, you bond with it even before that child is born and you KNOW that no other woman will love that child like YOU do. Now even after you have spent so much of your time raising your children divorce happens and someone enters the picture with high hopes of a future with the one they love. A mom is instantly on red alert much like a mother bear (not necessarily a GREAT thing but it's INSTINCT).
A SM's side... I love my H MORE than I have loved any man and I haven't even had children with him. I try to be as good to my Skid as I possibly can because of my love for my H. Eight years of her life have already gone by and I don't know her every scar, skinned knee, like or dislike because I wasn't there for it. If I tuck her in at night and read her a story it won't be the same because I'm not her mommy. Things that she does that wouldn't normally irritate me if it was my very own child DOES tend to irritate me because she isn't my child. My love for H will give me the patience that I need to tend to this child's needs as if she were my own. But I didn't carry her for 9 months and I haven't bonded with her in the same way I have my own. She has a mommy somewhere and I'm sure that mommy misses her a great deal. I feel that I don't have the right to punish her when she messes up and I leave that to my H and he does it.
Divorce is an ugly situation. All children want is mommy and daddy back together under the same roof and to be a family again. Who can blame them? In their child's mind SD and or SM could be the one or ones keeping that from happening. To them it may seem like torturing SD or SM may make them leave and maybe mommy and daddy could get back together. So they think acting out will make their problem go away. Not to mention maybe the child thinks that if they like SM or SD they would be betraying their BM or BD. My advice... if the Skid is too much for you to handle... meaning your life is utter hell, you have tried EVERYTHING and there's no end in sight, maybe you should seriously think about leaving the relationship. Not just for yourself but for everybody involved.
This site has TRULY helped me in SO many ways. I now look at it THIS way. My sister may be my children's SM but if something were to happen to me there's no other woman that I would want to take care of my children but her. I asked her if my children treat her good and she said that my children are normal children and that they are good to her. I LISTEN when my children come to me and tell me when they've had a fight with her and as long as it sounds like something that I myself could have gone through with them then I KNOW that everything is okay. I only hope that my Skid's mom can appreciate one day that her child is well taken care of here. If she can't appreciate it then she needs to get over the fact that SHE made the decision to leave her family for a new one. If she can't get over that fact that's HER problem but SHE'S not going to stop ME and my H from having our happiness and our happiness includes ALL of our children and I'm proud of my sister for doing the very same.
On and on I rambled when it all comes down to THIS... NOBODY has perfect children and as parents we KNOW this so why in HELL would someone expect to have perfect Skids? SM's or SD's are coming into a ready made family that had their own set of rules and a way of running things and it's all habit that took years to learn and became a comfort zone in the process so for God's sake don't expect change overnight. Like ANY good relationship it's going to take some work at times. Have a little patience and if it's more than you think you can handle get out as soon as possible because whether or not you know it, everyday and every moment your Skid spends with you they are getting used to you. The more they get used to you the more it will be almost like losing a mommy or daddy again if you leave.
This is my own personal opinion from both a SM and BM point of view...
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You said you leave disapline
You said you leave disapline to your husband? Is he around all the time? I get the idea that the child lives with you, correct? Mommy is somewhere? Does that mean she's not in the picture? So you are the only mom in this child's life yet you don't correct her when she is out of line? Am I understanding this correctly?
I think where your situation is a slight bit different than mine is that you say that you love your children unconditionally, and maybe this is where I fail as mom and stepmom.
I felt a great deal of compassion for my stepsons.....at 5, the youngest had obvious allergy issues that he wasn't seen for. My husband (before marriage) was very much trying to still live his bachelor life and dragging his boys places they should not go. Mom was out of the picture for the most part. These boys had no one, they were being raised by a sitter.
I took them in as my own, I loved them as my own and I was more careful with them to make sure of their needs then I was even with my own. I bought them clothes, they were wearing rags. I cut their hair, their dad had been giving them bowl hair cuts. I got them into sports to relieve their tension and hopefully build their self-esteem. I gave them an allowance and everyone had their obligations (chores). I talked to them, hugged them, listened to them, played games with them, we made cookies together. I did everything for them that I did for my own and I did not see the boys as anything but my own.
All my kids except the one child my husband and I had together are grown, ages 25 - 29, 4 adult children, steps and bios. I can say that things have happened with one of my bios that has lead to distance. Yes, I love her, however she has done some very awful things and when I say that I am speaking of things directed towards me (I go to a different site for that as this is about stepfamilies).
I will always remember fondly the times when the kids were small but I have had to move on with my own life and not let the lies and accusations bring me down. Something alot of parents, step or not have to, and something young moms will understand one day.
Enjoy them while they are small, as the saying goes!
I don't think SM's expect
I don't think SM's expect their SKids to be perfect, I think we expect them to be respectful to us as an authority figure. There is no way I will live in a home with my DH, my bios, and my Skids (who we have 50/50) without being allowed to discipline. My DH is a truck driver so he might work nights for a month, days for a month, and other weird hours where I am the primary care giver to his children. If he is home, of course I defer to his judgment but when I am home alone with them I do expect them to do as I say and not backtalk or just ignore me. I also expect them to make up their own mind about me and not have a lunatic BM tell them what a horrible person I am without even knowing me. Regardless of how a relationship started between a H and W, children can understand that a marriage has ended and that their parents are better being apart than together. Not that children won't act out, especially when they are younger, but when they are adolencents, they understand the difference between right and wrong, and can be told that their behavior will not be tolerated. And if our DH's love us so much and want to spend their lives with us then they need to back us up. It just seems amazing to me that SD's do not seem to have all these problems. I am a BM to two sons and my sons know that what I say and what my DH say are the same thing. They respect him as an authority figure in our home and this has never been an issue for my children. They were raised with manners, and to respect authority no matter who the person is, because they were raised right. Do they ever give me hassles HELL YES, they are kids. Do I jump their butts when that happens, HELL YES. Am I gonna walk around on eggshells in my home because I don't feel I have the authority to do the same to my SD's.....HELL NO, or I won't have SD's or a DH to worry about anymore. I know this sounds kind of harsh but when we joined families, these kids, (all of them) need to understand that this is not the old family they had and there may be new rules that apply, children do adjust if everyone involved disciplines not just allows them to do things the way they have always done. My DH has instituted rules in our home that I never had before but my children adjusted because they respect him and I as a united front, the same should apply to my SD's. Why is it that a SM's bios are expected to be perfect but we are to bend over backwards to not offend our SKids. Something here just doesn't seem right. Sorry If I babbled but this is a subject that is very near and dear to me. I get really animated about the fact that BM's expect us to accept their children unconditionally and not expect the slightest amount of respect to be issued to us by their children.
Oh 1 more thing before I get
Oh 1 more thing before I get jumped on......NO I WAS NOT THE OTHER WOMAN.....My Dh and his ex were split up before we got together so I had nothing to do with it, in fact she was cheating on him, got caught, and he left. Just wanted to clear that up after I read what I posted and thought someone might take the sentence "no matter how H and W got together".......
I think people may be
I think people may be misunderstanding my take on things... I am in NO way condoning continued bad behavior of Skids toward their SM's OR toward their SD's. I have seen a LOT of instances where it was a SD who the children disrespected and I don't in any way condone THAT either and maybe I may have sounded as though I don't have the right to discipline my SD9 but just to clear the air, H does not have a problem with me correcting his daughter and no matter which one of does it (USUALLY him) we BOTH discuss what she has done and agree upon her consequences and we BOTH enforce it and it works for US. I'm not trying to say that it's the way other people should do it.
I'm sorry but I DO think that sometimes SP's go into a relationship and they are on that new relationship high where their head is in the clouds and they are daydreaming of the perfect family and they have butterflies in their tummy and they're expecting everything to go smoothly just because THEY are in love and then the reality of the situation smacks them between the eyes when it doesn't quite go as planned. My only point is that we should take the time to EASE the children into a relationship. You are absolutely correct when you say that children should adjust. Indeed they should. My biokids have adjusted REALLY well to both their SD AND their SM but in the beginning things were pure HELL for everyone involved. It's been 5 years since EH and I split though but if you ASK my children they will tell you that yes they love their SD and yes they love their SM but if they could have it THEIR way, their IDEAL situation would be their dad and I back together. They know that it will NEVER happen and they don't have those feelings with the intention of hurting anybody's feelings it's just how they feel.
It is my feeling that for the most part SM's and SD's have no ill feelings toward their Skids and that they really just want a chance to be a part of the family and that at times they DO get mistreated and misunderstood but on the other side of they are walking into a family that is broken and while it isn't our fault we KNOW that we are walking into a family that has had a lot of heartache.
There ARE evil SD's and evil SM's out there though. Ones that get jealous of the biokids and they set the kids up for failure (my exbf) but he also set ME up for failure because he was sick and twisted.
I didn't mean to offend anybody with my post and if I have I apologize but I specified it is only my opinion that I have formed from my own personal experiences and I thought I would share. I in no way think that this should be a guideline for everybody else to live by.