Wedding cancelled (postponed) due to stepchild
I'm basically at my wit's end with my fiance's child. He has cancer, I'm stressed out with even trying to plan a freakin ELOPEMENT with everything going on, and the last thing I have the patience for is her. so I let him have it... and her. Normally I have a hard time trying to keep my cool around her lately, but this all started the other day when I was watching her for a couple hours so he could get some rest. she was kicking my dogs and hitting them in the head with objects (and I'm an animal lover so this had me livid), she would do everything in her power to make sure I was looking when she was doing something she wasn't allowed to do... tells me she's the boss, daddy said she can, mom said she can... anything to piss me of. this is just the minor part of it. so finally as I'm washing out bottles, she's in the doorway kicking my dogs so I throw maybe a third a bottle of water on her and yell "quit" thinking maybe that will get her damn attention and she runs to her room crying and screaming. I walk by and her dad is hugging her, telling her its ok. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? so I go off on him
Yesterday in the grocery store, she goes with me to get a couple things for dinner while he got his meds and she starts throwing everything in the cart. As I try to take it out she yells and throws a fit, grabs it, puts it back in. her dad and mom let her get away with everything and give her everything she wants. I don't think its cute and don't put up with it, so I'm the bad guy. Anyway, I did not have the patience to deal with it after a long day and took her to her dad. I told him she's being a brat and will not listen, so she's going with you. Understandably, he told me we shouldn't get married if her and I can't get along so I had to make a bunch of calls and cancel everything for this weekend's wedding. We have a child together, and want to get married for several reasons, but I told him it could be years before his daughter and I get along and he could be gone by then. so I guess that's that. I try to take the stress away from him but I'm already at my max and can't find the ability to deal with a problem I didn't create (her)
uuughhh
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Comments
DAMN right it should be
DAMN right it should be cancelled. An elopement is a horrible way to say "we're family". No wonder she's acting out.
From his daughter's perspective--
She could lose her dad to cancer in the future.
She could lose her dad NOW if some woman, who is excluding her in the ceremony, is rushing wedlock for what? Financial gain? ( not saying you are but it does come to mind when people do things like this)
Someone needs to hear her feelings about all of this. My goodness--she's probably thinkg her dad could die! And you're worried about some stupid wedding?
So is it postponed or
So is it postponed or canceled???
Not a big deal about the water, what is the big deal is he rewarded her for bad behavior, and didn't back you up. No wonder this kid is a major brat. The last thing you do is reward a child for that kind of behavior. So now he is facilitating that behavior. Maybe the bm is also parenting like that.
Another big red flag is, he made sure to threaten you by telling you he didn't think you two should get married, because of a parenting issue. And was that the real reason? That's a form of control and abuse. And of course no one is going to like a child that acts that way, so he'd better wake up. And you need to tell him that, and explain that it's her "behavior" you don't like..and it won't get better if it's not addressed. As for liking his child or not, it doesn't matter. It could change, and down the road you have a great relationship, or go the other way.
Most important is, it's a marriage between you two, no one else. You can elope or have a wedding, BUT it's only about the two of you. No one else will be on your marriage license. He may not like who his daughter marries one day, but he will need to act cordial, and decent; and that's all you need to do around his daughter unless she's acting out. Then of course she needs to be punished. As for hitting animals, you were pretty kind. Two warnings, and I would have flicked her hand pretty hard, and I would be sure to tell her why that won't be tolerated...then she would be in her room.
Do you really see a future here? Or should you cut your losses and move on with your child? And do you want to be with someone who canceled your wedding because he has a child he can't parent or control..and it's gotten out of hand. So what if you don't like your mil or sil...is he going to threaten you down the road with something else...personally someone canceling a wedding at the last minute would be a deal breaker, and someone would be moving real quick.
The issue I see here is this
The issue I see here is this kid is being rewarded for her bad behavior. First the hugs after the water, then CANCELING THE WEDDING.
His daughter is controlling his life & yours.
Lord she will be a NIGHTMARE in a few years.
I know he has cancer, & you have a child... but have you considered getting out of this situation?
Throwing water in a child's
Throwing water in a child's face is not only stupid it is morally wrong! To the poster that said their mother did it and they turned out fine, let's really break it down....Your mother threw water at you is a fact, you turned out fine is just your opinion. A shrink may disagree. Also if your mother had to do that more than one time it was ineffective as a tool, because had it worked she would have only had to do it once comprehend? Thanks! That child has a father that is very sick and he can not do what a typical dad does for their kid or what she is used to him doing. I highly suggest you get counseling for her and for yourself as you seem very stressed. She is very young to deal with illness and a new marriage. Give her time and patience if she can not interact nicely with pets then she needs to be told over and over again, "you have hurt my pets, they have feelings to, therefor you may not interact with them until you can do it nicely, can you do it nicely? no ok then find something else to do! oh you can? thats great! can i show how they like to be treated? ok just like this!" Not a very difficult to do! Make the time or you will just deal with more of the same, be consistan each time, "ok you hurt the dog's body and you made him sad now you have to sit here and get yourself under control!" Honestly you have a child are you dealing with their concerns with their dad's illness? Or your own feelings? I would suggest no wedding until the entire family has had some outside help!
What? For one thing, if I am
What? For one thing, if I am happy, why would I care what a shrink, the dog or a lamppost think about my happiness? Second, if all children only had to be disciplined once in order to turn into wonderful, happy, successful adults... wow, please write the book on what that one-time wonder parenting tool is and I will pay you one million dollars for my copy. Third, sick or not sick, it is piss-poor parenting to reverse or undermine another authority figure - it's teaching the child how to be disrespectful. And fourth, throwing water on a child is morally wrong? I'm pretty sure when Moses came down from that mountain, he brought ALL the commandments with him. Unless he owns a bunch of waterparks... you know, where people pay for the privilege of throwing water on kids??
And finally, you sound out of control. What's going on with you that you're so stressed out?
Exactly, I don't think people
Exactly, I don't think people who spank their children, or yes heaven forbid throw a little water on them need to go into deep therapy. Again the real problem as you know, is he didn't back you up, and rewarded her.
Apparently this is a pattern of behavior for her to act so badly, and a symptom of a much larger problem is her aggression toward animals. That's not normal, and it's not because she doesn't know how to interact with them. No she will need a lot of work, to undo the poor parenting.
All I can suggest is talk to him, and explain that when he is not around or fails to discipline you will do that, and you expect him to back you up. As for the animals, and possibly your other child you may really need to watch her. Also, I think when he threatened to not get married, I would have asked him..then why were you good enough to have a child with him, but not marriage. I don't see his logic, but maybe it's best to not get married, and work out the issues you have. And I don't know how severe his illness is or the prognosis, but that is probably his first priory I am thinking.
I just read her other blog,
I just read her other blog, yes it seems he may be terminal. Not callous, she needs to be realistic and put her child first imo. Apparently he has been sharing everything with his ex, including his relationship with her, and using his illness as a control factor. After reading her other blog, there is no way she should ever consider marriage.
The daughter and mother will get social security until she is 18, but down the road there could be mounting medical bills. It's one of those situations, where there's a guilt thing if you leave someone with cancer, but again my child would come first. Life is too short to be stuck with someone, especially if they have been dishonest all along. And I doubt he was really planning to get married, and she would end up his nurse maid anyways.
Don't marry this man. A
Don't marry this man. A lifetime of misery awaits you if you do.
If an adult threw water on my
If an adult threw water on my child as a form of discipline, (who does that?????) they would have hell to pay.
But would your kid really be
But would your kid really be taunting an adult by physically hurting family pets?
Why didn't you stop her the
Why didn't you stop her the first time? She kicked them and hit them in the head. When our dog is mistreated, (DF has a 7 year old cousin who thought it would be funny to pull the dog's tail)we deal with it right away.
She should have been punished for her actions. But throwing water on her was just crazy. I swear I've never heard of people doing such a crazy thing until I started reading here.
I agree. I admit I never
I agree. I admit I never imagined kids that would 1. deliberately hurt an animal nor 2. that would do so just to piss off their parent's partner. And until I came here I never imagined that the partner would turn around and comfort the kid!!
Adults cannot be 'friends' with children. They can feel friendly, do friendly things, but ultimately, adults have to lay down the law and expectations. If they don't, the kids will walk right over them. And the behaviour will escalate because the kid is seeking boundaries. Steps are not (necessarily) parents in their homes, but they are the adults... and if they don't set the boundaries themselves, they don't get set.
If your child kicked and
If your child kicked and abused my dog, there would be hell to pay right there because you FAILED to do your job. And I would be right there to pick up the slack.
lol, yeah don't mess with
lol, yeah don't mess with grandma. Apparently her Alzheimer's wasn't that bad!
Child hurt a dog, it was
Child hurt a dog, it was wrong because she is bigger and stronger than the dog and smarter too yes? She knows better! So the bigger strong adult used might on her yes? So what did the child learn? Might is right? Or just not to get caught? There seem to be so many deeper and more serious things going on in your home though, that is probably the least of anyone's worries......nothing will change with out someone giving up or giving in to some outside help. I hope the latter will bring you all closer and resolve things peacefully for all involved.