Being a step parent wasn’t for me
Marrying a man with 3 kids later became the biggest nightmare I found myself in. I became depressed, suicidal and disappointed in myself for this poor life choice. The chaos of it all. I finally decided that instead of complaining about my situation and dying slowly each day, I needed to solve it and walking away was the only solution because love wasn’t enough.
I had no idea what I had signed up for. I became a shadow of myself. My situation wasn’t as bad as some I have read here. From the beginning i didn’t get too involved. The baby mama drama was there but I stayed out of it. So much to write.
I married a good man who was a good husband but was a guilty dad. So the kids are like wild animals from tantrums to screaming and whining every second of the day. Despite having a child together and just days before I walked away found out I was 6 weeks pregnant, I couldn’t stay in the misery.
At 29 years old, this is not how I want to live for the rest of my life. I have never experienced a roller coaster of emotions like what I did. I wasn’t prepared for how hard this was going to be. Whilst dating and living together, the schedule wasn’t finalised yet especially for the youngest one. Once we got married, he pushed for more time which is fair because they are his kids, and baby mama then gifted him more time with the youngest one (who slept in our room -awful) after resisting for over 2 years. And even now, the schedule is still in progress as the time increases every mediation. I saw a glimpse of what my future could possibly become and it wasn’t one I wanted for myself.
I didn’t want a life on schedules, I dreaded having the kids around. I was raised differently and having kids who haven’t been taught boundaries, discipline, structure and hygiene take over my home all the time is not what I had in mind.
We finally split last month and i felt peace again. I could breathe again. Why settle for 1/4 of a life when I can have it all? Why settle for a life where I have to run away from home just so I don’t face it? I couldn’t imagine being pregnant feeling so miserable and hopeless.
I am just so happy to be free. I can focus on my life and my kids. I did love my husband but the baggage became too much for me. After reading most of the experiences on here, I knew I couldn’t live like that for years. We separated and divorce is in line. I will share the details of my experience as a woman married to a man with kids another time. Unfortunately, it wasn’t one of the blissful experiences. I just wasn’t made for that life. I realised a little too late but I had to leave. Staying for the kids didn’t make sense to me as he treated the others like gold anyways and it felt like our son was a second class citizen.
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'I married a good man who was
'I married a good man who was a good husband but was a guilty dad.'
And this is the sad part of so many of our stories...good men end up spoiling good relationships and good families through well-meaning but completely misguided parenting. MyLife, you have made the decision to walk away from all this, which isn't an easy decision to make. I hope that you, your son and the new baby (when it arrives) find peace and happiness on your own terms.
Decision wasn’t easy at all
It was not an easy decision at all to walk away. I thought long and hard for months and it was either going to be enduring misery and dreading life or taking a step towards starting over . I was not coping with the whole situation and he won't let me take my child with me every time they came down and refused to go see them in the city where they live. They live an hour -45 minutes away.
I am just happy that I can breathe again as that tight knot in my chest is gone and I don't cry every night and day anymore.
I don't think these men are
I don't think these men are good husbands. They don't give one care about their wife's feelings about living with feral children and do nothing to address that problem. They put their own feelings above those of everyone else in the house - their need to feel like "nice dad" takes precedence over their kids' need for structure and their wife's need for a reasonably peaceful home. They are actually selfish and not good fathers OR good husbands.
I agree.
I agree.
OP I am glad you found peace as we all deserve it.
i think these men want to be good husband (mine included) but they can’t. They can’t seem let their wives lead normal peaceful lives.
i have zero peace. And just as one issue gets resolved and I think there is a chance for normalcy.....some other issue comes along.
You did the right thing.
It's hard to see them as
It's hard to see them as selfish because they are "nice guys". But ultimately, their fear makes them put their own needs above everyone else's when it comes to their kids.
Peace at last
The past year has been the worse. It went from bad to terrible with the addition of the youngest who is a nightmare.
Immediately he moved out, thé thought of my never having to see or deal with his kids, the sigh of relief. A heavy weight was lifted off my shoulder immediately. I felt like myself again.
It was no way to live and the thought of years of agony and misery. I felt trapped and stuck. No more. I couldn't carry on.
This. They are not good
This. They are not good husband's OR fathers. They simply guilt/fool their partner with their woe is me stories.
ETA: OK, I am so happy you freed yourself and your babies from the chaos! It's amazing how fast being gone helps your mental state. When I left my formerSO, the peace came back quickly.
Agreed
Everytime I will bring up something with regards to their behaviour and poor habits, I was told 'they are kids, you are the adult'. Keep making an effort and even if they ignore and give you nasty stares, keep trying.
You could tell he was doing everything possible to make them like it at Daddy's. Yeah, telling me constantly to suck it up and forcing them on me when I had told him how I felt. I stayed out of the way, you are their father, they want you not me.
I hope you are okay. It’s
I hope you are okay. It’s very sad that some of these bio dads can’t see how a few simple little things could make everyone’s life so much better.
best of luck.
Ok
Thank you for asking. I am ok... I feel bad my children have to suffer the consequences of my poor choice and won't experience a United household and that circumstances didn't permit me to have a forever with the person I thought was the one, but love wasn't enough. Navigating the complex world of step life was not one I was capable of. I have my family around for support and he is admits he gets how challenging it was but feels let down.
You saw
What life was going to be. People do not change. This will keepingbgoing on and on. Getting worst as they get older. When thru know they have control over everything, that when it's gets really bad. Hopefully you will miss that. Maybe, but I would not count on it. DH see the light. And does something about his kids
Men like this do not respect you
or love the kids you have together because they allow you to be treated like shit. When it comes to your kids together a f the kids with the ex, they take precedence
there is no guilt that this cycle of dysfunction will continue down subsequent generations and how selfish it is they do not even try to make home a harmonious environment
burying your head in the sand is a much better option
Absolutely correct!
Absolutely correct!
Be prepared for your kids to come last when it comes to their dad! They act like the first family kids are their "real kids".
Welcome to the site!
Always nice to welcome a new UK member, we are in the minority ;-) Well done for doing what's best for you and your children. We step parents often get told "we knew what we signed up for" - what a crock of shit! We didn't. Sadly, love is just not enough, you need boundaries, plus a partner who has a shred of insight and empathy for not only his/her bio kids, but their partner as well. I wish you happiness in your new life.
U.K.
Thank you for the warm welcome. Cheers to new beginnings.
It's good that you escaped.
It's good that you escaped. I agree with so much of what you said.
But him and his children will still be a part of your child's life. My hope for you is that he doesn't turn your children together into replicas of his other children.
Good luck!
I hope NOT
I am counting on myself to do all I can to be the stronger influence in my kids lives. Being around his kids has shown me what I wouldn't want my child to become and I will do all in my power for mine to be and do better.
Let freedome reign
Congratulations, I know it wasnt an easy decision and Im certain there is MUCH more to your story and I look forward to reading your trials and tribulations.
Moving forward, you now know more about yourself and what will/will not work for you. Plus, you will have more room in your life for things that "spark joy", rather than abject misery.
Life is too short and too precious. I know I was totally miserable when living even parttime with SD20 Feral Forger. This past year she has been living with Toxic Troll Bm, and its been almost a year of constant drama. Without popcorn and intermssions.