I am lucky to have a DH who listens to what I say about discipline and wants to get better at it. I don't have kids but I'm a teacher so it helps! Neither one of us wants to spank, thank goodness. I can imagine it will be hard when we have our own kids. I'm sure it's hard for a parent to not let things slide for kids that they only see a few days a month

Here's my situation. I punish my BKs when they need it....he DOESN'T punish at all (and my kids don't even do thave the crap his does) and yet someone he's the first one to say "I think your BK should punished more."

Growing up my dad used to hit me the odd time if I'd really been playing up and I dont think it was ever harmful to me in anyway, I actually think it was what I needed to learn my lessons! However, it is not a method I would use on my own kids (or stepkids) because I think things have moved on a lot since then and there are better ways of teaching right from wrong now.

I try to be fair to my SD6 by treating her in the same way that I would treat my own kids when I have them. For example, I would not tolerate my bio kids creating a mess in my house, being rude to me, throwing tantrums etc therefore I wont accept this from my SD either. When I first was introduced to SD I thought it was my DH's responsibility to discipline SD, however I have since realised he doesnt do this- he feels the time he has with SD is precious and obviously doesnt want to spend the time he has with her telling her off etc. I understand this but at the end of the day he is her dad not her best friend, therefore needs to step up. I talked to him about this and he has got a lot better in correcting her on things, however there is still the old slip up...in this case I intervene and tell SD to stop doing whatever naughty thing she is doing, if she doesnt then there will be some sort of 'punishment' eg no sweets, no going to the park etc.

In a way I think there has to be a certain level of discipline instilled by stepmums in order to set boundaries and I believe in the long run the SK's will respect them. There is sometimes times when my DH is at work so it is just me and my SD- obviously during these times I need to be able to disclipine my SD, without calling her dad up every 5mins! On the whole, however, my SD is generally a good, well-behaved child, therefore often a telling off will be enough to end the bad behaviour, then we have a cuddle afterwards and all is forgotton. If my SD was really bad behaved for most of the time I think I would feel different- I wouldnt want to be the one constantly telling off someone elses child!! Thus the dad would have to intervene and I would take a step back.

I agree with what everyone else here says and it's the same at my house. My husband never diciplines his children or even teaches respect. If I try to, he blows up and says I'm picking on them.

Each child has responsibilities/chores etc. around the home. He is very quick to complain if any of my sons don't follow our 'chore chart' to the minute (and I'm quick to make sure they do) yet he doesn't say a word when his children whine and complain for HOURS (his son's chore, sweeping the main floor takes 3 hours and it's a neverending battle to keep him on task until eventually my husband ends up finishing for him).

I SOOOO understand what you're going through and empathize with you. I wish I could tell you that it will all work out but it hasn't so far for me (It's been 7 years).

All I can do is caution you to not follow his pattern with your own children. As hard as it was and still is to watch my children do all their household chores without being told while my step-children whine and complain and never have to do a thing; it has paid off for me. My boys are helpful and very respectful and I'm proud of them while my step-son is very disrespectful and has a very large sense of entitlement that I know my husband is not proud of.

In the long run, you will both see the results of your parenting and so will the world.

Good Luck...