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BM out of her life but still causing us grief...

My3His1's picture

Submitted by My3His1 on Thu, 02/03/2011 - 6:56pm

My SD ( almost 13 ) has lived with her dad & I ( SM ) since age 9 when her BM lost custody of her ...she has not seen her BM in 4 years since she lives 1,000 miles away...SD hates her BM & see's me as mom...However even though her BM was very neglectful & abusive...she also gave my SD anything she wanted, babied her, never punished her, taught her how to steal, lie.....lately SD is like 2 people one side says she wants a mom whose involved, strict, there 24/7....BUT then she gets angry & blows up because she can't eat junk food 24/7, stay up late, wear anything, have a a cell phone , she screams, throws fits, runs out of the house, tears up property..she will not talk to you...now her behavior is wearing off on my 6 year old BD....MY DH thinks I am too hard on SD but constantly punishes my BD for same behaviour he lets SD get away with....I love my DH but he is blind to SD's issues ...Anyone else in my shoes..?

Comments

MamaBecky's picture

Submitted by MamaBecky on Thu, 02/03/2011 - 7:21pm

How frustrating. Continue to work on your DH and try to keep him on your side. Teenagers are a handful regardless of if they are steps or bios. Your SD needs you to be her mom even when she is screaming she doesn't. You are doing a good thing for her even if she cant see it or appreciate it right now. As long as your husband is supportive of you in the mom role dont give up. Pick your battles and try to openly communicate with your DH the best you can. If however your husband is dismissive or disrespects you in front of the child....well then she is learning the behavior from HIM and then maybe you should back off and let him fend for himself. I think he would learn quickly that he needs you and then maybe you could get him on board.

oneoffour's picture

Submitted by oneoffour on Thu, 02/03/2011 - 7:29pm

HA! My Biokids swore they were adopted because their REAL mother wouldn't treat them like this .... they yelled at me... they did the long silence and sighing thing. Yes, she is a teen and is trying everything to get her own way. Very VERY normal.

YOur DH needs to see this for what it is. And maybe a word in his ear about how would he like it if your daughter started behaving the same way and you allowed it because 'you aren't her real father'. BAER

ddakan's picture

Submitted by ddakan on Thu, 02/03/2011 - 8:53pm

He needs to back off and let you deal with the sd. Daughters will take that daddy weakness and drill you with it. The girl needs a mother, not a bff and a disney dad

iwishyouwould's picture

Submitted by iwishyouwould on Thu, 02/03/2011 - 9:53pm

Sounds like a pretty typical teenager to me. She's a kid but close enough to adulthood that she wants freedom. Plus she has the whole stepfamily dynamic to contend with. Its a good sign that at least one side of her wants to be parented - as we all know being a teenager means being in a constant state of inner conflict. just keep truckin.