New to all this...
Well, I've been happily married for 8 years. My husband was married before but he was young and lost the kids. I had a son when we met, but my husband adopted him. When I was 6 months pregnant with our first child another woman came up 8 and a half months pregnant with his child. It was before we met, so as much as I hated the situation I dealt with it. We haven't had a lot of contact with the child, I think because my hubby is ashamed to have two kids by two different mothers so close together.However I have always gotten along fine with the BM. I know that he's a different person now, because I live with him and because I've heard stories of how it used to be, I guess he lost all hope after he lost his first children. So anyway, hubby was leaving for overseas and he and I took the kids to a theme park, where we ran into a woman he was engaged to briefly after he signed his divorce papers. She had an 11 year old son that she says is his. I'm not saying it isn't, because he told me from the beginning that she had gotten pregnant and told him it wasn't his and they broke up. So now she's saying 100% yes. And she's calling him 10 times a day. And she was trying to be my friend but she was telling me things about their time together that I didn't want to know, and when I asked her to stop she didn't so I cooled off the friendship. I don't like it that she's still talking to hubby since they can't do anything about the ss until he gets back in a year. I think he shouldn't talk to her until he gets home and we do a DNA test. I told him so tonight and told him to think about it and not give me an answer until tomorrow. So now I'm afraid he'll say he still wants to talk to her, and that's going to drive me crazy. He found out that a lot of what broke them up was lies told by her family to him about her, which is odd in itself, and I think he's upset that that cost him 11 years of knowing if this child is his.But it just makes me jealous. I know she's unhappy in her marriage and I think she has the mentality of the grass in greener, and is trying to drive a wedge between us while he's not home. It's hard to protect your marriage from afar. I just feel like if he won't wait to talk to her until I can be in the picture then how can I trust him? Up until now, he's never done anything to make me question his love for me, so I hope that doesn't change tomorrow. Anyway, I guess I'll be on here quite a bit cuz we're going to be getting formal rights for the first child soon, and I'll still have to deal with the other BM.
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Wow.
I just want to make sure I understand... he's got kids from a first marriage and he's not involved with them, he may have an 11yo son with a former fiance, he has two younger children 2 1/2 months apart with you and yet another woman, plus your child, whom he adopted and is now his child just as much as the others. That makes a grand total of what? However many he had with his ex-wife, plus four more with three other women? So that's at least six kids with four women? Holy crap, that might be some kind of record.
How to trust him? Well, if he's telling you that he's been talking to her and he's not hiding it, that's a good sign. If he were calling and emailing her without telling you, then that would mean he's hiding something and I'd be more worried. He's operating under the assumption that the child IS his and he's probably thinking that he's got too much lost time to make up for to wait until he gets home for the "proof." If the DNA test shows he's not the father and he continues the communication, then you obviously needs to worry. I think right now it's just a big mess and, hard as it is, you almost have to take a wait-and-see approach. If there's something going on there, it won't matter if he's deployed or home. Right now, everyone is in a holding pattern. Sit back, give him the benefit of the doubt and just bide your time. Deployments are hard and they can put things in your head that otherwise wouldn't be there. Especially the long ones. (I'm the wife of a retired Marine, mother of two, stepmother of three. Been there, done that.)
Last thing, if everyone is anxious to know and no one wants to wait, then he could always do an unofficial test. You can get and send him a cheek swab kit, then get the child's DNA and have them both tested. It probably wouldn't hold up in court, but it might bring about some peace of mind. I don't know how expensive it would be, though. Maybe he and the child's mother could split the cost.
~ Anne ~
"Love, having no geography, knows no boundaries."
(Truman Capote)
LoL
Yes, I told him the only other time I'd seen the same scenario was on Montel. He has 9 children total 4 born before he was 22. So he did a lot of things when he was younger that he wasn't smart enough to know not too. A lot of that stems from his childhood I think.
Anyway second BM called me again today, she said she wasn't interested in hubby, just getting to know me so that she'd know her child was safe. I totally understand that. I just wish she'd realize that she talks so much about DH.
DH agreed to no contact with her without question or hesitation, so that makes me feel better. But I told him if he's reasonably certain the ss is his then she and I should continue to get to know one another. It's just a hard situation now. I don't want to be jealous, I want to do what's in the best interest of the kids. But I don't want him communicating with her unless I'm there.
As for her current DH they've had a lot of problems and until this happened he never knew that DH existed. He thought ss was a product of her first marriage same as her older daughter. I don't know why she didn't tell him except that I think he's mentally unstable. That situation is weird also.
I didn't come from a family with a lot of secrets so it's hard for me to deal with the oddness of this. To DH and his family this kind of thing is the norm, so talking to them is not possible. And my family tries to be supportive but none of them are in a step situation. So for me all these decisions are completely new.
As for a DNA test we'll do that unofficially as she has no interest in child support or official visitation. She is having an affidavit(sp) drawn up to that affect. But for my peace of mind I want to know for sure. DNA hasn't been brought up to her yet, so we'll see how she reacts when it is.
The truth is, I like BM, I think she's genuine about wanting to get to know me, but I don't want to risk the consequences if I'm wrong.
Why isn't he mad at her
If after eleven years she suddenly re-appears and tells DH the "truth" after lying in the first place I WOULD THINK BM would have to come up w/ some freak reason for lying in the first place or DH would flip,and then BM hasn't even told her Husband until now? What did she tell SS? I would be very leary of this women it seems she has issues with being at all truthful with everyone and Its not like a guilty conscience drove her to find your DH it was just a coincidental run in and that in itself seems a little off. Its a good thing that DH agreed to not contact he may want to re-evaluate how much trust and belief to put into this female.
SS never knew anything...
She never bothered to tell him, she said he always knew that there was someone out there, but that was it. She also said that DH was an emotional wreck and suicidal at the time (which is true, btw)and she didn't want to put her child in a bad situation, or drive DH any crazier, and he walked out on her, so she just let it go. She says seeing DH happy and being a great father made her want to have that for SS. Well a couple of months ago her DH tried to kill himself so I guess he's not mentally stable and she didn't want to tell him. She said now that he knows he throws it in her face constantly. DH and her have had no contact since SS was a few months old, she called him at that time and he asked for a DNA test, and she said ok and never called him back...for 10 and a half years.
As for why he's not mad, I think he's had so much crap in his life that one more thing is just one more thing to him. Or he could be totally poed and not telling me.