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Misadventures of my everyday unaverage life!

Mrsramarlow's picture

Submitted by Mrsramarlow on Wed, 06/26/2013 - 12:26am

I am completely new here, I needed a place to vent out my pent up emotions. Not many people understand how it feels to be the "other one" which is how I feel labeled on a daily. I have so many feelings running through my body at one time I feel as though I just might com-bust.I am a mother of two, wife of one, step mother of two, and hated by one!I'm newly married just over a year, my husband was married to his ex for 4 years. They were the typical high school couple he was on the football team and she was there to cheer him on at every game (can I puke now) he joined the military straight out of high school they got married, pregnant, and pregnant again. The perfect American family right? Well that's the way I see it. Needless to say 6 months after their divorce my DH and I met. We fell in love and got married 9 months later, and 9 months after that we gave birth to our first daughter (we had all boys). After we got married and I moved 4 hours from home I started getting attacked by the green eyed monster which was relentless it attacked every nerve in my body, symptoms include but are not limited to:

Jealousy: She got all of his first. His first two children. She got the bended knee proposal and the big wedding, I got a four day weekend where "I" said we should get married three hours later we where at the courthouse. She got the nice house, new furniture, new cars, her kids didn't and still don't have to do without to were mine do, they come first and we come second. He bathed her in gifts to this day the only thing he's EVER gotten me is my wedding rings. She got a boob job, I'd like to be able to afford a root canal that I desperately need. I feel as though it will always be her first, me second. Please don't think I'm all about material possessions because I'm not but it would be nice if I could have a fifth of what she had.

Anger: I hate her, I hate her, I hate her. I hate the fact that she thinks she has control over what we do. Yes you read that correctly "WE". If we can't come home on a weekend of her choosing we don't get his kids. If we don't split their clothes with her then we have to provide our own (btw he pays child support a lot of it EVERY month). We can't take them here and we can't take them there. We live in a different state when we do occasionally go home not many of our family members want to put up with four kids all under the age of 6. I hate the fact that she gets almost a grand a month yet always wants more, enough is enough. She's walking around with 7 new tattoos yet her kids are in rags, and their hair is gaped up from were she cut it. Cheap much? I hate how when we call to talk to the kids she always has an excuse as to why we can't talk to them. But most of all I hate the fact that she judges me because of my past. I won't lie I have a past I went to college at 18 I partied, I experamented, I had no kids I did my life the right way I partied at the appropriate times. How can she judge me she goes out all most every weekend, has ALL of her flavor of the months in her home with her children for Christ sake. What right does she have to judge me about things I did five years ago? She shouldn't have done her life backwards.

Insecurity: The comparison. Whether people mean to or not they compare you. I have to categorize friends like this "their friends" and "our friends". At some point in time "their friends" end up bringing her up. Remeber how she liked this, remember when we did that, remember, remember, remember. Ahhhhhh it makes me want to scream sometimes "HELLO!!! Remember ME? She's gone now, goodbye to her and hello to me". I question his true feelings towards her is he truly over her, did he love her more than me? Is she better in bed than me? Around the holidays I found about 100 pictures of them in a memory box. Pictures of them at their wedding (remember I didn't get one) Pictures of them welcoming in his sons with his family present (I've met his mother twice and they did not come see my daughter after she was born, and she was in the nicu for one week)Them at military balls( I have never been asked to go to one). He told me he kept them for his two oldest children!?! It looked as though he was still holding on to her in my eyes, am I wrong? I feel like she was his first choice in everything.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is how do you cope. How do you deal with feeling as though the ex was Prada and your just a cheap knock off?

Comments

Frustr8d1's picture

Submitted by Frustr8d1 on Wed, 06/26/2013 - 1:29am

I totally get everything you're saying! I just hate hate hate that all DH's firsts were with a loser person who even he describes as completely insignificant to him!

I also hate that all his past friends make so many insensitive comments like, "Oh, remember when we all lived in Germany?" I'm like-- Yeah, YOU all-I wasn't there during that time in MY husband's life! Or, "Remember that time when..."

I hate that I reserved so many firsts and so many moments for DH, yet, he was so careless to experience important moments with a criminal loser.

Stepbell's picture

Submitted by Stepbell on Wed, 06/26/2013 - 1:39am

Honey she has nothing on you. Don't worry yourself over it. Make your own friends if needed outside the ones you have together Vent here. Love the husband and kiddos. It's hard starting off with so many little ones at once. Things will get better financially. It takes time. Karma has a funny way of coming back on people like her. Read some of these ladies blogs from the past few months. And you two just have to work through some of this together as your own family. She's not any part of your unit outside of the best interest for the kids don't give her life a second thought outside of that part of it. Best wishes girl! Vent anytime.

luchay's picture

Submitted by luchay on Wed, 06/26/2013 - 1:58am

Hi Smile Welcome!

Glad you found us, feel free to come along and get anything off your chest that you need to.

Not a lot to add, the others have already said it - but remember - YOU are his future, she was his past. And in life being last wife is much better than being first wife Wink

Make a great life with your man, and forget her as much as you can.

sasha101's picture

Submitted by sasha101 on Wed, 06/26/2013 - 4:39am

I used to feel exactly the same and it's the worst feeling in the world! I hated the fact he'd had so many firsts with her and that I was living with the consequences of the mistakes he'd made with her. I hated the fact that he'd had 3 "accidents" with her (who allows it to happen 3 times - surely if you didn't want more kids you'd be extra careful after the first accident), I hated the fact she'd run up huge debts which he was stupid enough to take on and ruined his own credit, and I was really jealous of their big wedding when we could only afford a small budget wedding. I really resented the fact he'd gone out to work to provide for her and their kids, earning good money while she sat on her ass all day. He had to give up work when he got custody as the youngest was only 3, and now he has health problems and can't work. I hate the fact that she was with him when he was young and fit and they had a social life before their kids came along. I know it's not rational for me to feel that way, as I have also been married before and have a now adult daughter with my abusive ex so I had my firsts with him even though they weren't enjoyable because I didn't love him.

Over the years I've come to realise that dh much happier with me than he ever was with her, that he only stuck with her because of the kids and that he worked long hours because he preferred to be out of the house as much as possible to avoid her. Their wedding was a joke - he only married her so he'd have a legal claim to custody of the kids as he knew they would not last, and he said he was so uninterested in the wedding he left all the organising up to her. She was and is a female version of my abusive ex husband - demanding, controlling and a bully, and he went along with a lot of things just to keep the peace. I understand this now because I went through the same thing with my ex, only I was very careful after my daughter was born to never have any more kids with him. BM lied about birth control and pestered my dh for sex and that's how they ended up with 2 more kids after the first "accident".

It's taken a long time to get over those feelings and I will always resent bm for being such a shit stirring bitch, but I know that I'm the love of his life, and that a strong, loving relationship is much more important than material stuff. It would be nice to have more money to enjoy ourselves, but our budget wedding meant so much more to him because he was marrying the woman he loves than any big, fancy wedding to someone he didn't love. The same applies to me. Dh is the love of my life and there's no comparison between how I feel about him and how I felt about my ex. I didn't really want to marry my ex either and went along with it for our daughter's sake, but this time when dh and I said our vows we meant every word and it was the most wonderful day of our lives.

It is hard to get over those feelings, but think about the important things - love, respect, friendship. Anyone can get with the wrong person for the wrong reasons and once kids come along, many people will stay in an unhappy relationship because of those kids. He may have thought he loved her once but they weren't right together and if he loves you, everything you do together will mean more to him than anything he ever did with her.

Mrsramarlow's picture

Submitted by Mrsramarlow on Wed, 06/26/2013 - 9:23am

Thank You ladies! Yes My DH has told me the only reason he stayed with her was because of the kids which both were planned, how do you have planned kids when you both hate each other? I picked through some of the blogs on here last night and I must say I'm so happy I'm not the only one. I thought I was going crazy!!! My husband is a very good man, he truly does treat me as good as he can. Sometimes I still feel as though he's haunted. He does wish he could "spoil" me the way he did her but paying 1,000$ child support, 10,000$ credit card bills (she ran it up, was ordered to pay half at her discretion she hasn't paid any on it). I try very hard to not let her get to me, but she's just so evil it's very hard. I feel that she didn't do anything to deserve any of what she got.

Stepup1970's picture

Submitted by Stepup1970 on Tue, 09/24/2019 - 1:34pm

Let me start by saying i get the feelings. My fiance was married to a woman who also got all his firsts....but then...that was MY CHOICE. I knew he had already done those things....you knew he had already done those things too...

As far as the gifts go, have you explained to him that it bothers you that he doesnt give you gifts? Do you know each others love languages? Are you speaking to each others'

At what point to we get rid of the negativity and come to accept that out of literally everyone in the world...you PICKED someone who cant give you his firsts? No it doesnt make the natural feelings of jealousy go away...but find something the two of you CAN share as a first togther.

DOING something about it as opposed to harboring ill feelings towards a past you cant change will only make it worse.