Probably because there are no fairytales telling the world how evil the step dads are.. just the step moms.

My son has a hard time with DH. He tells his dad and SM that DH is just an over reactive screamer. It's true sometimes, but DH is working on it, and the boys' SM screams a lot too. Hmmmmm....as do I every now and then. DH mostly yells at SD, but my son gets mad when he does.

Peace, love, and red wine

is 15 in a month and DH is the 2nd man in his life apart from his Bio dad that I have had a serious relationship with. (me & his dad broke up when I was pregnant) He has a very hard time getting along with his SM and hard time getting close to his real dad, but my DH and ex before him, BS has been a dream for them to get along with.

I have thought long and hard about this topic and I have come to some conclusions although i still am not sure which is correct.. that its about the kids nature, the way the BM (me in this case) has brought him up and how they are treated of course, by the DH. I have never put PAS onto my son about his dad or SM, I have always encouraged my BS relationship with his real dad, I have never put pressure on him to accept or like my choice of men, simply to respect them. He is an easy going kid and he has respect so we have no drama's here.

An interesting point, he finds my SS12's behaviour appalling!! He has asked me how I put up with it and he said if that was me mum you would kill me, disrespecting you like he does. Maybe he just has brains?? I don't know..SS's BM has had NOT ONE MAN in the 11.5 years since she broke up with my DH?? Is that why my SS has trouble dealing with someone in his dads life?

Good thread though, it interests me what people think about this..

Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*

Is that we as women bring this negative stigma on ourselves and give it to others. The only reason that GOOD stepmothers are seen as EVIL in my opinion is because of all the drama and bullsh** that surrounds the female side of the blended family - BM versus SM. The kids see this and play into it as well. Men aren't as dramatic and fatalistic by nature and therefore don't bring such a negative role on themselves. I'm not saying that we as stepmothers did it to ourselves...just that it's the nature of the beast.

JMHO

*~So sayeth Nymh~*

and the world knows this and expects this in ALL situations, regardless of the circumstances. and when it doesn't necessarily happen the way people think it 'should' - we run into trouble. i think the problem lies with the people's expectations of women. the fact that ALL women should have a mothering instinct in her and should feel warm and loving toward all children regardless if they belong to her. this is the expectation that sets the SM up for failure each and every time. who can live up to that kind of bullcrap standard? yet with a man, it seems that the family is just 'thankful' there's a man in the house to take care of things and bring order to the situation. i'm positive there are exceptions to this - ie. many stepdads that get shit on, but at the end of the day, expectations of stepdads are low enough that unless you are an a-hole, it shouldn't be too hard to keep the family (not the skids necessarily) pleased with your efforts.

Just trying to be a Stepmom without getting Stepped On.

My BS has a very hard time with DH. Dh was never mean but he never engaged or even tried to either. BS was 15 when he met Dh and I am sure that, that did not help either. Dh had never dealt with a teenager before and my son was not exactly a picnic either. Bd was liitle, 7 in fact, when she met dh and he was the only guy that I had dated that was ever exposed to my kids. At first he was warm to her but his bd made sure she put as stop to any of that.
Dh still treats her fine but more like a neighbor kid that is around alot. Not cold but not like family either. It is kinda hard to explain. Bd doesn't seem to be effected by it so I really don't worry about it.

Steve.....I soooo agree with you, I have acted w/ fuzzy logic,in the past, and it just causes drama. I have learned when it comes to BM, and being a StepMom, I have to "man-up!! ~"Resist all the urges.... that make you want to go out and kill." ~ Chel.

I think it's because our husbands are always wanting to be the good cops and we end up being the bad cops. Just like in my situation yesterday with the chores not being done in our house. My DH claims he wants everything to be fair in our house, but he refuses to enforce the rules, chores, and homework around here. I get stuck being the bad cop all of the time so I'm always being accused of riding my broom.

I also agree with another poster who said that it's a female thing having to deal with a BB and in my case, an evil troll of a MIL. Both the BB and DH's mother have ganged up on DH and I, Precious knows it, and he has used it to his advantage.

To me in society throughout the ages there is a lot of pressure on women to get married and have a family. Its the whole perpetuate the species thing. Men don't seem to get this as much in my opinion, but as someone who got married really late, its like your whole success and self esteem and people's respect for you as a woman is in some way affected by whether you have succeeded in getting a man to love you and commit to you.

So if a woman 'had' that and lost it thru ANY means, then sees another woman who 'has' what she 'had' and the man is happy now at all, it kind of reflects badly on the first one (in her own instinctive mind! maybe not conscious)and makes her look bad, maybe is even embarrassing in front of the kids. That's why I feel so many BMs are so competitive with the SMs.

It is hard for the BM to date because their new whole identity is tied up in 'I am a mother' and find another 'right' guy whereas men just say, give me a woman and I am happy.

We all know the saying, if momma ain't happy ain't nobody happy. The kids instinct is to support the mom (and not the SM) so the BM does not abandon them so they can survive. Step DADs in general make the mom happy so everyone accepts them. Also maybe the standard of living is higher since men are PAID MORE! so everyone can eat and is complacent.

I think it all boils down to are they truly accepting of the end of the relationship and do they have any romantic prospects or want any - if not, look out!

"In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer." -Albert Camus

The logic on women over reacting, or fuzzy whatever, but I still think how the child male or female handles the situation must have something to do with the emotional stability/security of the child and how they are treated by that step parent.

Me and BM have never spoken a word to each other and are never likely to. She doesn't so much poison SS against me, its all about her hating DH and telling her son he is deadbeat dad and he is far from that.

If SS had a normal family life with a mum with other kids or his best interests at heart, SS would be very accepting of a partner with his dad...I truly believe this. SS had Daddy all to himself for 9 years, he didn't want to share his dad cause he never had to, this is a selfish attitude, if he never had that there would never had been a problem. The only way that is BMs fault is that she never gave him a normal life and normal emotions!

Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*

no fuzzy logic (i'm pretty black and white and i get shit on constantly), no tension between me and BM - the problem is and will remain: the expectations of stepmoms are way different than of stepdads. as in the words of a four year old 'NO FAIR!'

Just trying to be a Stepmom without getting Stepped On.