Other frustrated preschoolers' stepmoms?
Can anybody relate... or am I being crazy?
It seems I can't do anything right for my 4 year-old SS lately. If he says something in general and I reply, he tells me, "I was talking to Daddy." Even if Daddy has walked out of the room!
He got p*ssed off yesterday because he had to hold my hand crossing the street--tried to fight free from my hand halfway across and threw a tantrum on our tree lawn... yeah, that was sweet. Didn't matter that I had just taken him across to ride his bike in the cul-de-sac. Yes, I know, he's 4 and doesn't have a real sense of time, but geez...
I tell him that I love him and he says, “Thanks.” That smacks because it’s what my cheating ex- used to tell me… and also because he never says it to me first unless he WANTS SOMETHING FROM ME. I know—-he knows I belong with his daddy but he doesn’t understand who I really am or why I’m there. I shouldn’t let it bother me, but I do.
I’m just not diggin’ being a stepmom right now. He's loud and he doesn’t listen. (Again, I know, he's 4.) My husband yelled at him last night for completely ignoring something I asked him not to do. He sat on the couch and wailed. He stared at me and when I finally looked at him, pretty sympathetically, he screamed louder and angrily buried his face in the pillow, telling me, “Don’t look at me.” Listen, Junior, I'm not the one who landed your butt in time out.
SS is pushing me away and all I hear is “My mommy has those," or, “My mommy does that,” or “My mommy says…” I DON’T CARE ABOUT THE KID’S MOMMY AND I’M WORN OUT BY HIS CONSTANT REFERENCES TO HER. We have him this weekend. Yea…
I keep telling myself not to take it too personally because he’s just little but I’m afraid it’s only going to get worse as he gets older. UGH.
I adore my husband for being such a good dad, but he doesn't always see and hear what this little boy does and says. It's frustrating.
I feel like I should just get my scrawny neck ready for my "Evil Stepmom of the Year" medallion. He's a child and I'm a grown up. Why am I feeling like this?
I knew stepmomming would be hard, but I never thought I'd feel this way about a kid, especially one so little.
Thanks for letting me vent and for any insights you can offer.
SMIT
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I can relate
My SD, who is 3, says the same thing to me - "I was talking to my daddy" when I answer some general comment. It's such a small thing, but I know it really stings. Then she's all smiles and loving when she wants me to paint her toe nails.
I think becuase we're not the bio-parent, we feel like we're fighting for their love. When they say snotty things to their dad, it's not the same. He can discipline and both he and the child know they still love each other. With us, there's not that unconditional love assumption. We're in try-out mode all the time. So when SD says things like that to her dad, she's just being a brat and she still loves and needs him. She'll still want him when she's scared or sad. When she says it to me, it feels like she's saying she'd be okay if she never saw me again.
I’m laughing inside…not
I’m laughing inside…not at you but with you b/c my SD’s (the especially the 6 year old) DO THE EXACT SAME THING…. It is always “my mommy makes oatmeal with apples”, “my mommy has that movie”, “my mommy took me here or there”, “my mommy said I have to wear xyz…” LOL….It must be a kid thing and I’m glad to find out that I’m not the only one that it drives crazy!! I think part of it is their way of “keeping things straight” and I’ve gone as far as to say “well that is the way that Nise and daddy do things” or “at Nise and daddy’s your mommy doesn’t get to decide, put on the purple sweater” That may sound horrible but I think part if it is trying to “play” the stepmom vs. the biomom to get their way b/c I KNOW that your mom didn’t tell you to wear blue and red pants with a green and yellow top and even if she did your not leaving the house with me looking that way!!! The other part, I think, is their little minds trying to grasp the concept of 2 houses, 2 sets of rules, 2 different procedures for doing things….its hard enough for some adults to understand how to live in two different spheres “i.e. what’s acceptable in “public” and what should be “private”” For the mind of a little one, to understand that two different ways of doing things can both be the “right way” has got to be hard so we just have to be patient with them…as hard as it is!!!
Oh, thank goodness it's not just me
Emily and Nise, I so appreciate your replies. I guess I'm just waiting for someone to blast me for being so awful. Thanks!
Nise, I think you nailed it when you mentioned "playing" stepmom vs. biomom. I've caught SS a couple of times trying to get away with something at our house with the "My mommy lets me INSERT WHATEVER HERE" He's not doing it to be really bad--just trying to figure out how to get what he wants. I calmly told him, "Well, you're at Daddy & SMIT's and we don't do that here, Sweetie."
not just you
My step children and my bioson both do that to me. My son does it with me and my ex. So apparently it is not just a step thing. You just have to be consisent and let them know which house they are at and what you will allow. I bet it can be very confusing at times.
Don't you get it.....it's a competition!!!
Hi All,
Geez, how many of these do I have to read, before you all figure it out? Don't you understand that the nature of this "stepping game" is that it's all a "grandiose competition" on who does what, whose house is better, who buys what, etc, etc.,. You're not keeping up with the Jones' next door, your fending off your spouse's ex, all the time! I did for the last ten years! I am still in the same position even though I moved away! It's like everything is always compared. That's why my SD didn't come back for her visitation because she couldn't get her own way. Every time there was a competition, in the scheme of things, we always lost. There are some things in life, that just can't compete in.
I hope some of you see it, for what it is.
Regards,
Sweetie
Competition is Right
It is most definatly a competition and let me also tell you that the competition doesn't ever end! Or like in Sweetie's and my case the visitations end because they don't get thier way! My step-kids were age 5 and age 7 when hubby and I married and now at the ages of 19 and 21, nothing has changed. Other than the fact that the 19 year old we haven't seen or heard from in over a year. The 21 year old still says "Mom does that!" or "Mom does this!" It's infuriating, but what can you do? Your not BIOMOM and never will be! And in my case, THANK THE LORD for that! I wouldn't want to be a psychotic lying B****!
Frustrated
I have read and can relate to all your postings. I am at the end of my straw right now. Have a 3yr old SS who we only get 5 days out of the mnth. He acts out constantly now, does not listen to me has even began throwing himself on the ground kicking and screaming lately in which he has kicked me several times when asked calmly to stop. No matter what i say to him to get him to finally listen his father punishes me in return by threatening to leave me. His ex is a manipulative, its her way or else she cries, type of person, whom has encountered me about her problem with phone calls. I simple replied to her that it is between her and my spouse. Her constant interferring in our household not only causes conflict between me and their son but me and my spouse as well!!! And yes my SS has began pointing at me and saying hes telling his mom on me and shes going to be mad at me, when he fell off a bed after jumping on it when i was nowhere near him. Ah!!! I feel like giving up most of the time anymore but i do still love both my spouse and SS too much.