The Pros & Cons of Social Media
At the beginning of the step saga, I used social media as you're "supposed" to--to be friends with the skids and keep up on what was going on with them. When drama started, I used it to keep up on what was being kept secret from DH. He was being told one story (waaaaa. . . no moneyyyyyy), but there was a very different story displayed on social media (excessive spending). Social media was useful for revealing the incredible number of lies we were told through the years. In one way: why was that my job? In another way: how else would we have known any of the truth? Was it worth it? I don't know. I guess in many ways, DH would still be living in delusion-land. He purposely did not engage because of drama and denial.
I'm glad it has all given me a more truthful picture of where the skids stand, the false public narrative they have told about the divorce and their parents, and how much of a family cult (and in SD's & BM's case, religious cult) they inhabit. I don't think we would have known these things to the extent we do because we have always lived so far from them.
I've also seen BM's desperation to counter something I said to her many years ago (and I think this is both sickening and funny): After she sent a very personal and direct attack to me, I reminded BM that she had problems with EVERYONE in DH's life--that she was the common denominator in all the conflict. She knew this included DH's brother and sister, neither of whom had anything to do with her. I saw years later that she had (desperately?) "friended" DH's nieces and nephews, people she has never met (young people obviously upping their numbers on social media), apparently in her attempt to prove in her false public narrative that she's "in" with DH's family? Why? Why is that important to her? To show me? lol! But this is the way fakes and liars like her operate.
As I responded in the "Subtraction" thread, after the skids' behavior during and after DH's health crisis last year--after I saw for the millionth time the skids pretend publicly that they have no father--I finally decided to shut it (them) down. I (again) blocked BM (was never friends with her) and unfriended and blocked the skids.
I no longer feel the need to see the truth about them because I know the truth about them. They are liars, suck-ups to their cult-like mother, and despicable people who I never would have chosen to be in my life. I know they lie to DH all the time. He knows that. The details of the lies don't matter anymore. And I don't give a crap if BM friends Jesus Christ himself; it's all a show.
While I at one point set things up so as not to see the skids' posts in my feed and for them to not see most of mine (they have benefited through the years in knowing about our lives through my social media accounts), I hadn't wanted to take the step of "erasing" them. The thought felt rude. The thought felt mean. But erasing them is honest. It's truthful. It's relieving. After all these years, it feels like I've turned a corner. Social media was the last frontier of full, complete, and honest disengagement!
Now, skids, STF out of my life!
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Social media has tipped me
Social media has tipped me off on many many things regarding Little Idiot that I never would have known otherwise because she lives far away. IMO it has been an asset even if I can't fully disengage from her.
When she comes crying to us because she can't pay her rent "Whaaa! My roommate won't pay her share so I need extra $$$!" Well no... the truth is YOU blew your portion of the rent on frivolities like DoorDash, new clothes, and trips to the salon"
When she comes home at Christmas claiming she graduated from university with a prestigious degree and expecting praise... Well no, you're still working as a bartender and you actually dropped out
When she claims Goofy was begging for her to take him back... Well no, you've been crying for months about how he's left you.
The stuff the blabbermouth thinks I don't see on social media...
When she comes home at
They just be lying on a major level for no reason
I had Spawn as my “friend” on
I had Spawn as my “friend” on FakeBook when we were supposed to be pretending we liked each other, but I had all my stuff shut down so she couldn’t see anything. Once she moved out I removed her and blocked her and all her family and friends. Years later I unblocked her just to see what was up, it was the same pathetic look at me I’m a victim bullshit. So I blocked her again and haven’t looked back.
It's Bad and Good
I've used it in the beginning to do just what you did...to see what DHs kids were up to. And also to document. It came in especially good for a particular court appearance. My 4" of printed TRUTH helped our case immensely. But once I didn't need it for court stuff and I surely didn't need it to tell me exactly who DHs kids are, I have been in BLOCK mode for years. BM (never friends, just blocked), all of DHs kids, any of their relatives I could find and as time passed, their spouses/partners (if I could find them).
I do NOT want to know anything about DHs kids. I could care less what narrative they want to produce via social media. I am so disconnected from DHs kids that I don't even know many of the grands' names. Sad, I know, but I was shunned from any grandmother title by DHs kids so I'm fine with that.
Today, I use the Book (that's all I use) to follow quilters, dog rescues, gardening and my church stuff. My family and friends have migrated to texting for photos and conversation. My page is very boring these days. LOL
I wouldn't even bother
I wouldn't even bother "friending" these skids on Facebook or any other social media
Waste of my precious time
If I did add them into my social media fold, they'd go straight onto the restricted list where only public updates (which I rarely do) can be seen by anyone
These skids I used to deal with were extremely codependent mini spouses and Inwoukdnt give them nor their breeder by proxy one second of narcissistic supply they're craving
I did find his ex wife's profile on Facebook and immediately blocked her
I initially added my SDs on
I initially added my SDs on instagram when they first got accounts because it was a good way to stay connected to what they were up to at BM's. And they liked seeing what DD was up to. I always kept in mind that BM was likely logged into their accounts and could see anything I posted, so I kept it really safe in that sense.
Then one summer I took DD on a beach trip with my bestie and her kids. BM absolutely lost her shit, sending all kind of messages about how unfair it was that DD and I had "too many" swimsuits. And then we went on an excursion to see dolphins, and she went nuts saying that I'd chartered a "yacht." This was right after XH and I first separated, and I think she was genuinely livid that DD and I weren't living in poverty as a result of the separation. It was complete insanity.
Never mind that at the exact time, my SDs were on a mountain vacation with BM's sister and I'd gifted them a generous amount of money for that. At that time, I removed both SDs from my followers and told them exactly why I'd done it and told them when they were adults and didn't have their mom monitoring their social media, they could follow me again. It was one of the smartest things I ever did. My only regret is that I ever let them follow me to begin with.
"I'm glad it has all given me
"I'm glad it has all given me a more truthful picture of where the skids stand, the false public narrative they have told about the divorce and their parents, and how much of a family cult (and in SD's & BM's case, religious cult) they inhabit."
This comment resonates with me so much!! (Except DH calls BM's family "The Clan" instead of a cult.) I know a lot of people say Facebook is fake, anyway, but I think in a lot of ways, it can be quite telling. In our case, the fact that both SSs post Happy Birthday to BM, express their undying love and devotion to her on Mother's Day, and pictures with her on every holiday (in SS30's case, it's pictures to excess every time he and his see BM) and absolutely nothing about DH, EVER, as though he does not exist/is not in their lives, speaks volumes. I have my settings so that I only see what they post if I go to their page, so it doesn't appear on my wall. BM recently tagged SS30 & SDIL in pics which showed up on my wall, since I see what SDIL posts. It reminded me when FB automatically tagged SS30 in some pics I posted and he UNTAGGED himself. Now I would NEVER tag him. In fact, I struggle with whether to post pics of SS30 and family with us at all. The only reason I do is so that my and DH's mutual friends can see pics of him with SSs on the holidays/Father's Day. I've told myself many times after DH was snubbed by SS30 I was never posting any pics of him again, but then after the event, I end up doing so. I'm not sure what the best thing to do is in this situation.
Yes, we have experienced
Yes, we have experienced similar situations. I honestly feel like a weight has lifted since stepping out of any social media connections with them. I stepped out of the lie that we are connected in any way.
THIS @MorningMia. I love that
THIS @MorningMia. I love that you used the subtraction method. In my case one of the SKIDs and his bride unfriended me for no particular reason. At first I was stunned! WHY?! Especially because I had just given a generous gift to them. I immediately went into problem solving mode - should I try to re-engage? Should I call the SKID and find out what the new complaint on me was??
And then I sat on it for a bit....I saw this as an OPPORTUNITY. An opportunity to be honest about what this has all been about. For them it was all about image and another rejection of me hoping I would chase them. I didn't. And I've also been SUPER happy about the circumstance and wish it had happened sooner. It's exactly what you said - stepping out of a lie that we are connected in any way.