To attend or not? Advice?
I have been a SM to two awesome boys SS6 and SS9 for the last 5 1/2 years. My DH and BM have a consistent split schedule- SS's spend 4 days a week with us, 3 with BM. I have never had a relationship of any sort (good or bad) with BM until the last few months when DHs schedule changed and I was the one picking them up from or handing them off to her. Everything went completely fine (a little awkward, but friendly). My SS6 7th birthday is in a few weeks, and this is the first party she's had that I've been invited to by her. In the past, whenever the SSs asked their mom if they could invite me to a party etc, she told them "no" giving the reason "because I had disrespected her". It always hurt a lot- not to be "left out", but because I worried that the SSs would treat me different, not love me, etc. because they heard/felt from BM that something was bad or wrong with me.
So my question is this: Do I go? I think the SSs are used to me NOT being places when BM and DH are both there, and as for me, I feel really awkward going to a place with all her friends I don't know and who could care less if I was there. But on the other hand, I do want to be supportive for the kids, and have a decent relationship with BM so we can all set a good adult example of "getting along".
Is it important that I attend? Does it not matter? or...Should I just not go at all?
Thanks for your thoughts/advice!
- MommaRose's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Stop this now and just have
Stop this now and just have BM do her party, and you and DH do your party. Enough with the pretend "happy family" games. It will NEVER end.
You know, this type of thing
You know, this type of thing has come up on this site before and the majority of advice has always been, steer clear. I honestly don't see why you or anyone wouldn't give it a chance. If you go and it's too much for you, you feet won't be set in cement, you can always leave.
It is possible to get on with the ex. Not only possible, but preferable. I'd say, give it a go.
Dtzy has a great point there!
Dtzy has a great point there! My Skids BM was hateful of me until I did come around and I had her back. I didn't necessarily agree with some of her her parenting however she realized that I supported her and she wanted to get to know me so she would know who was caring for her kids while they are at their dads. So I suggest that you go for it then skip out down the road after she got to know you a little first.
Oh believe me, I was pissed
Oh believe me, I was pissed for quite sometime...til I gave up, accepted it and got over it. But that's a WHOLE 'nother issue.
The advice on this site is
The advice on this site is coming from a lot of people who have been there and it hasn't worked out. So if you do want to go, keep other's experiences in mind and don't go with any hopes that you and BM are on the fast track to becoming best friends. Don't let your guard down and you should expect that something you say/do will be used against you. If you go, go for you and your ss, not for BM and not to "appease" her in any way.
Let's pretend for a minute that BM is a logical thinking human being. If that is the case, she has been seeing more of you, may think that you aren't that bad, and may just want to get to know you a little better since her kids are spending 4 days a week with you and she recognizes that you are fulfilling the typical gender role of "mom" in your home. This would be a good opportunity for your ss to see you guys interact and not feel guilty about a loyalty complex between the two of you. If you think this is the case, go for a little bit, just cake/presents and then have another obligation you have to attend. If BM is trying to welcome you, don't go overboard, becoming besties with all of her family and friends, be yourself but be polite so that all anyone can really say is "she seems nice"
Now let's pretend that BM has an agenda. If you feel this way in the slightest I would steer clear. There will be plenty of opportunities for you two to interact in the future and it's cliché but the saying goes "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" I have found this to be very true in my experience with the way BM operates.
"Let's pretend for a minute
"Let's pretend for a minute that BM is a logical thinking human being."
I would say let's not pretend this. She was lying to the skids about their SM. Saying SM was disrespectful to her or w/e, which could have made the kids dislike SM or feel loyalty issues. That lady sounds like trouble, I'd steer clear & DH & I would have our own party. It seems like she thinks she is inviting the SM to be part of their family, when in reality - she has a family with the kids & DH & SM have a family with the kids.
BM tried this when DH & I first got married. Talked all crazy about me to DH & anyone who would listen, ignored me when she saw me, etc. Then all of a sudden she wanted to be BFFs. She used that opportunity to call me anytime her & DH had a disagreement & try to get me to agree with her, to try and get me to do pick up/drop offs at a more convenient time for her, to try and steer all communication through me & then flip out on me when DH did something 'wrong'. Even aside from all that, I just never enjoyed talking to her & it became a burden for me, it gave me a bad feeling to see her name on the caller ID on my phone. & that, not all the other crap, but that feeling I got - was the reason I disengaged. If you have a bad gut feeling about going, don't go. Being a SM is hard enough without putting yourself in awkward situations to make BM feel better.
Being a SM is hard enough
Being a SM is hard enough without putting yourself in awkward situations to make BM feel better.
^^^That sums it up!
Go. You are on a venting
Go. You are on a venting site where people here have had terrible experiences often for years and usually no support from their husbands. Daddy feeling guilty, letting the kids rule the roost, and a lot of resentment all round.
From you bio this does not seem to be the case for you.
Already people have said, you don't have to go to keep the BM happy. Those were not your words. You never said anything about keeping her happy. You said you were considering this to set a good example for the kids, and in the hope that all the adults in the kids lives could get along. You also said, you have never been invited before and this has caused you to feel left out. My take on that is you are going for the kids and yourself. Good reasons
You seem to be comfortable with your husband going without you. Your only issue being because you feel left out. So go, ask your husband to stick by you till you get the feel of things, tell him your reasons for wanting to go, and ask for his support. You don't want to be standing around alone and feeling uncomfortable. With his help, you might just pull this off. It's one party, it's a chance to have a civil relationship with BM. That can only be good for you, for dh and your relationship and more importantly for the kids.
If you go and it is disastrous, well you at least know the score and you can keep well away in the future.
If you don't go, you will never know what could have been. You haven't had a bad relationship with BM according to what you say, so there is no real reason not to go, other than you feeling a little awkward, and your husband could easily help you through that. But you have a few good reasons to go. Fight the nerves, bite the bullet, go, and with your husbands support, have a great time.