Should I stay out of this??
I have been in my stepsons life since he was a baby. Im married to his dad and we have our own 2 daughters together. For 10 years I have been the best mom I can to this child. He has always confided in me everything. I dont pry, or ask him anything, he just tells me stuff, maybe because I keep it to myself for the most part. Things that I am hearing from him are beginning to trouble me. He is getting older now and the issues are getting bigger. Last year, he was 10. He told me that he was allowed to drink an entire beer while playing a video game with his Uncle at his BM's house. (she has custody-we get him every other weekend and every tuesday)Now more recently he tells me that his BM and SD go to the bar every night and leave him alone with 3 younger stepsiblings. He told me his SD spanks him for the silliest things, like eating the last muffin. He told me SD forces him to call him Daddy. Within the past few days, he was very upset because his BM had brought out a box of "memories", pics of him, her, and my husband eleven years ago when they were together. She showed him high school love letters between her and his Dad. He seemed really down and troubled by the whole thing. He was actually acting funny toward me, and Im wondering if he was given the impression that I took all of that away from them, even though I had NOTHING to do with it. He has this unhealthy guilt and obligation toward her. Like he owes her something because she is so miserable. She actually texted him during our weekend and invited him out to dinner with her!! He was so torn, it was pitiful! I feel so bad for him, hes a good kid. And my husband wont do anything or say anything to her because she really is scary if confronted. She will threaten to take him away and truly be a mean person if anything is said against her. He just wants things to remain civil, but she is emotionally involving the child in things that hes too young to be involved in. It is so frustrating!! I wish I could help him, but as a stepmom, I have no leverage whatsoever. The things that bother me the most are the drinking beer and the being left home with other kids. He is not old enough or big enough to protect 3 small children from the dangers that could arise in my opinion.
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Wow - something needs to be
Wow - something needs to be done but I don't know if it should come from you or not. Obviously his safety is more of a concern than worrying about if he'll continue to talk to you but you do run the risk of him losing faith in you. What if you and DH work on getting him into counseling or maybe even consulting with Child Services? It appears that BM and her husband are putting all of those kids in danger.
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
I actually called (out of
I actually called (out of curiosity) our local children services to find out what could be done about them being left alone every night. In no way was I going to report her, I just wanted to know. They actually told me there is no set age in our county that a child can be left alone! Does that really make sense?? So I can leave my 4 year old alone? I dont think so. I just think, if there was a fire, he would have 3 kids to save plus himself. If there was a break in, same situation. Its just not possible. She would never put him in counseling, that would take away her power to manipulate him quickly, shes definitely the type that enjoys the control.
"And my husband wont do
"And my husband wont do anything or say anything to her because she really is scary if confronted."
I think this is the part that needs to change. If his son is being mistreated in any way, it's his responsibility to DO something about it. It is entirely within his right to question BM's treatment of his son. Fear of BM will cause all kinds of new heartache down the road if it's not checked now.
I really wish that he would
I really wish that he would say something to her. I dont understand how he could hear that another man is spanking his kid for such ridiculous offenses and just let it go. It is a big problem for me. This kid is really well behaved and perfectly understands being grounded for eating the last muffin, instead of spanked. Not that I think eating the last muffin is grounds for any punishment at all, but thats just me.
You can call your lawyer and
You can call your lawyer and ask how you can document your SS's saying these things to you. You can also ask BM to start emailing unless it's an emergency and save the emails as documentation. What does SS look like when he comes over? Is he underfed? Does he have dirty, old clothes on? Ask your lawyer if you can take pictures of him when he gets to your house and use them in court. Ask your lawyer what to do and follow their advice.
I dont believe he is
I dont believe he is underfed or anything. As far as his appearance goes the only thing I can complain about is that when we pick him up, 9 times out of ten, he is wearing basketball shorts and a jersey, and we are working on 16 degree temperatures out here! I always tell him to wear something warmer, but he doesnt listen. I guess hes old enough to know what he should be wearing.
I still think you should
I still think you should talk to your lawyer about it and ask him/her what to do. He is old enough to know what to wear but what kind of mother sends their child out in shorts and a jersey in 16-degree weather?
Thats what I think too! I
Thats what I think too! I told him the last time he did that, that I refuse to take him into any public place in the middle of winter dressed like that. I dont want anyone to look at him and think I approved that attire!! lol. We have to take him from her house to ours and have him put on normal clothes. As far as a lawyer goes, we dont have one.... maybe the answer is to consult one, but thats really expensive...In fact, years ago when they got divorced, my husband was majorly screwed over because she had a lawyer and he didnt. He signed everything without an argument. Left us with her credit card bills and utility bills, etc. all on our debt! He was made responsible for all of it, she had to pay nothing, and he signed it!!
I do think you need to
I do think you need to consult a lawyer. Here's a link to a website about father's rights lawyers, and if you scroll down a bit, you'll see a link where it says "minimize attorney fees," which you can click on.
http://www.dadslawyer.com/
I agree with Anon. DH needs
I agree with Anon. DH needs a lawyer. This is far too important to ignore. There's only so much you can do for yourself in law. And I'm convinced that judges do not look kindly on those foolish enough to save money when their children's futures are at stake. FH did this too, when his ex-wife left him and took his kids back to her hometown five hours away. He was so distraught that he gave her everything she asked for, if only she would allow him to see and talk to his children again. He didn't hire a lawyer and was left with only visitation.
When I was a kid, my mother allowed an evil man to move in with my brother and I. My brother felt responsible for both of us. But when he confided in our father he was given the option to live there. So he was raised by our father and step-mother. It was the best thing for him. My dad had a lawyer and did the right thing.
I guess with myself and my
I guess with myself and my husband, our biggest fear is that if we were to take action, and have him here instead of there, that the guilt she would put on him would cause him to resent us. He tells me these things, but I feel like with everything he says to me now, if he wanted to get out of there wouldnt he just tell me that too?
There is no set age in our
There is no set age in our county either to leave children home alone. But that does not make it unreportable. CPS will look at individual circumstances. For example, I personally don't thinking leaving a 10 year old home alone while I run out to buy milk is dangerous (in my area at least). I do think leaving a 10 year old at home alone, at night, in charge of 3 additional children IS dangerous.
Do you live close by? Could you ask him to call you when he is home alone and you could go over there? It is a parent's responsibility to keep a child safe, regardless of the mom getting pissy about it. He's 10. If she pulls a guilt trip on him, he's old enough to be taught what that is and make his own decisions. And it's possible to do so in a mature way that doesn't involve calling his mom a loon.
He called us once a while
He called us once a while ago when he was left alone, we live pretty close, but didnt go over there. My husband mentioned it to her the next day and my SS got in trouble. He hasnt called us since, but did specifically tell me they go to this bar every night, so I guess I could call for a welfare check one night, but I would run the chance that would be the ONE night she decided to stay home or something.
It sounds like your
It sounds like your relationship with him is a powerful influence in his life. That's a good thing. I don't like that he got in trouble for calling you. Perhaps he could be allowed to secretly call you without your DH telling BM.
Where I live, CPS will investigate children aged 11 and younger left alone. There is no set rule but it is a guideline they follow. It would be considered inappropriate for an 11 yo to babysit three younger children. Parents who left four young children at home almost every night to go to a bar would definitely be investigated. This is far too heavy a burden to place on a little boy.
You could arrange with CPS to be ready for a call from your SS that his mother and "daddy" are off drinking. This could ensure the safety of the three younger ones not in your care as well.
I agree with you Selkie. I
I agree with you Selkie. I think CPS needs to get involved.
I agree with you Selkie. I
I agree with you Selkie. I think CPS needs to get involved.
Thats illegal. She could ask
Thats illegal. She could ask for a well child check, but not make a false statement.
"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"
Looking for her car wouldnt
Looking for her car wouldnt work anyway, the bar is walking distance from the house and he already told me that when they go to the bar, they tell the younger children that "they are going for a walk", so Im assuming they dont drive there... but it is cold out now, so maybe they switched the story.
Strangely enough, that has
Strangely enough, that has happened one occassion. She was super nice to us (which is waaaaaay out of her character) and told us there was a sitter there. It really frustrates me how non confrontational my husband is, because he should have gone over there to check, but he wouldn't. I actually have a friend from high school who is a bartender there, so I have great connections as far as knowing if shes there and when, I guess Im just afraid its going to backfire in some way if I make the call myself. But as an informed adult, and aside from being his SM, I guess I have the responsibility to report something that isn't right. Going in circles with myself as to whether or not it's the right thing to do, I want to be sure that I'm not acting with other motives at heart, as we obviously do not get along.