Stepson starts the you are not my mother and you ruin my life after 11 years...
Omgatos I wish I would have known how hard it is too be a stepparent... my stepson recently started talking back and busting the you are not my mother card and that I can’t take his Xbox or phone away... which I did ... but man it hurts... I was in shocked... mom does not like me what so ever and she lets him know that I can’t do anything... so every time I feel like we are making progress and he comes back from mom ... I start alll over... he wasn’t like this until he turned 11 .... I just feel hurt and lost a little .... I’m always going to be the bad stepmom because I tell him to go to bed early and so on... no matter how awesome our relationship is at times I feel like I’m losing him little by little.... any suggestions???
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I went to a school
I went to a school orientation evening last month - all the parents in the room had 11 yr old boys. The teacher said "You will lose them over the next few years, but they will come back, I promise you."
Yes, stepping is harder. I have a 12yo SS and an 11yo BS (and 9yo SS). I always feel like I'm watching myself when dealing with OSS, because I know the relationship is more fragile and I've only known him for a year. But I cannot let him get away with things when he is doing something wrong right in front of my son. Fortunately, it hasn't been too bad...yet.
Kids at this age are selfish little monsters - with capacity for great sweetness and occasional maturity. When he says something stupid and hurtful, you say "I know, but I love you anyway and want the best for you, which right now is turning off the Xbox and going to bed - even if you can't see that right now."
Thank you, and I love ❤️ your
Thank you, and I love ❤️ your response, I feel a peace in knowing I’m not alone in this, and hopefully today it’s better!
I've only had it from my
I've only had it from my younger SS thus far. My partner had the other two out in the house getting in the car and I was left with YSS9 who is notoriously slow at tying his shoes. I said "hurry up, everyone's waiting" - he said "You're not my mother."
No sh** Sherlock! "Yes," I said. "I know this, but you still have to put your shoes on."
But I get attitude from OSS and BS a lot more. I get the eyerolls from OSS over basic safety matters (not looking at screens when crossing the road, for example). Sorry, not sorry
OMG this made my day! No Sh**
OMG this made my day! No Sh** Sherlock! *ROFL*
"I may not be your mother,
"I may not be your mother, but I am an adult in this house - in MY HOUSE - so you WILL listen to me whether you like it or not."
I have two teen SSs. YSS isn't much older than yours, but his attitude stinks to high heaven. The Only reason I have so few issues with him is because 1) he is terrified of what DH will do (i.e. take away all his stuff) if he crosses me, 2) I remind him I am the adult on a very regular basis, and 3) I let DH handle most of the heavy lifting as he sees fit.
I would start leaving the discipline and parenting to your DH. SS is his son, and boys respond differently to their biodad. Your SS will think it is great at first until Dad loses his mind at his attitude and you stop doing the "good" things that come from him being nice. He'll either shape up a bit and realize his is in control of his emotions (for the most part), or he'll continue to be a little snot. Either way, you'll save yourself the heartache and stress of dealing with a preteen boy.
I have a 12 yr old and he has
I have a 12 yr old and he has tried to pull the "Well I am just going to my dad's" or "You can't take that from me I/my dad bought it, you can only punnish me with the things you buy".
He is so cute when he thinks he can pull that crap with me. My house, My rules, The end.
The truth is... it hurts, they know it does. They don't know what it is like to love a child and spend your life giving them everything you can. Striving to make thier childhood better than yours was. To worry about their future. To do all that and have them verbally slap you in the face. Until they are a parent, they won't know that feeling. Even worse if you are a step parent. Because, you don't have to love them-- you choose to.
The only thing you can do is not let them see that the verbal slap hurt. Assert that you are the adult and until he is 18, graduated and moved out- he get's no say and everything in this house is YOURS. Including his clothes, his shoes, his bed, his electronics- EVERYTHING. You will do what you want with those things and the only thing he can do is say thank you for letting him borrow them.
I like to remind my kids that possession is 9/10th of the law and everything in the house is my possession.
Today after dad gets out of
Today after dad gets out of work, he will be having a talk with him and then after the two of us will explain how we love him but consequences will occur depending on his attitude.... and I love your response thank you for the help!!!
Stop parenting and be the fun
Stop parenting and be the fun adult. Disengage and stop disciplining
That’s the thing I am, I do
That’s the thing I am, I do slime with him join him playing board games or Netflix he talks too me about girls and we have a good relationship, it’s just he decided recently to not listen to what I ask like making his bed, taking a break from his Xbox to reading a book or drawing or going swimming. I will continue too plan trips but only when he earns them.. but not with this talking back I’m not your mother you can’t take anything away stuff.
Ignore it. If it gets too bad
Ignore it. If it gets too bad have your DH talk to him. Personally I like hitting these things head on. SD5 threw it at me one time and I said "well then guess that's one less person I have to do laundry for." Didin't demoralize her in any way. Just let her know that if she wasn't going to listen and treat me with respect, I'd stop doing favors. lol
She cried of course and came over to me and apologized.
Sometimes you just have to find little things like that. lol
Thank you, I will ignore it I
Thank you, I will ignore it I will let dad take care of it for sure because man I feel hurt, I’ know this is just the beginning but I will pick my battles for sure.
Unfortunately... the next few
Unfortunately... the next few years can be hard. preteens and teens have so much conflict and growth going on. They have a lot of turmoil and unfortunately it sometimes gets directed at people that are close to them.. family.
If he goes too far down the "you are not my mother" train of thought you might want to counter with this.
"Yes, I completely understand.. I am not your mother..or your father. They have to love and take care of you. I don't. Every single thing I do for you is out of the goodness of my heart because I care about your well being. All those rides I give you.. the presents on special occasions.. or even just because.. trips to the ice scream store and making your favorite dinner... all voluntary on my part. Now, if you are uninsterested in any of the kind things I do for you.. I can stop at any time you want... or any time I want for that matter. However, even if I cease to do nice things for you, I am still an authority over ALL minor children in this home.. including you. So, you will still be obligated to do as i say under this roof and your father.. does back me up on this 100% And your mother, bless her heart, yes, she is your real mother.. unfortunately for you, she has zero say in what goes on in this home barring physical abuse... you are pretty much stuck with the way your dad and I choose to run it."