I'm frustrated ...
I don't know where else to turn you guys! I'm so frustrated I've almost been brought to tears twice.
First, I'm sorry I haven't posted the last couple of days ... Thursday is date night and today I was just busy working, but I will get to everyone's stuff tonight, I promise.
Okay, so everything has been going good with Andrea (BM), except for the Montessori thing. That aside, last time we had Jaob (end of July) she had cut his finger nails, cut his toe nails, and given him a bath before we had him. Well, we trimmed up his finger nails cuz she just cuts them straight across, and same with his toe nails. He gets really bad ingrown toe nails if they are not cut right. I also trimmed up his hang nails (he picks at his cuticles). But still for the most part last visitation was a drastic improvement.
As you all know communications have been going well, everything has been fair. And this has nothing to do with communications ... and given the decisions that need to be made regarding Montessori I need your input ladies.
We picked Jacob up today ... it was PJ day at school so he got to go to school in his slippers and PJs. It was cute. All the kids know us from the field trip and they all came up to us (well, me) to show me their Jammies. Well, the first thing to deal with is that Jacob has no stars for the day (they start off with 4 every day). I spoke with his teacher on Tuesday and Monday had been a good day (week before had been very bad), but Tuesday ended up being a bad day. Jacob has been acting out badly over the last two weeks.
So, as we are talking to his teacher I notice he's picking his cuticles, I ask him to stop, and I also notice that his nails are almost 1/2 inch long!! Clearly they have not been cut in two weeks. Every single finger nail has dirt underneath it. Then, I'm standing to his left and this is the ear we had problems with - it was bleading off and on last time we had him. We told her what we had been doing and have asked her to keep an eye on it. clearly the crusties we were getting out of his ear have been blood crusties. We haven't cleaned his ears yet (Erik is cutting his nails) to make sure it's blood, but even if it isn't ... there are crusties in his ears!! We haven't looked at his toes yet.
His hair didn't smell very good and had no luster. Erik asked when the last time was tthat jacob had a bath ... he said, "it's been lots of days since I took a bath daddy." NICE!!!
Okay, so back to PJ day ... she didn't leave any sneakers for him to wear to school on Monday. HER rule is that we are supposed to send him to school on Monday in what he wore on Friday. We rarely adhere to that, but I guess that means she wants us to send him to school in his PJs and slippers again on Monday because he had NOTHING ... we usualy provide him clothes at our house - she dresses him like an orphan - but no sneakers. So, I had to go out and buy another pair.
It gets better ladies, you may recall the issue we had with him wetting his pants ... well, the boys had to pull over so Jacob could go potty (we drove separately to pick him up). Not less than 30 mintes later and only a couple of minutes after being at home ... Jacob wets his shorts. He doesn't tell us, gets into his quad pants to go out and ride his quad. What the hell is going on with this child.
His teacher and I talked a lot after the boys left, and she said "Jacob is not the same little boy that I knew over the last two weeks. Something is going on with him." I'll have to save the detials for later, as my rice is done and it's time for dinner.
My question to you all is that we have a scheduled phone call to talk to Andrea about Montessori tonight. Erik is pissed and is ready to go off on her, but we need to be nice for the Montessori thing. I don't know what to do ... either I give Erik the green light to go off on Andrea about the care, or solve the Montessori issue. I told him to talk about Montessori first, and then go off on her ... then Montessori is resolved. He said she'll just go enroll him anyway ... I guess where I'm leaning is ... he's right ... and nothing he can say to her will make her change the way she parents Jacob. Maybe he can just softly approach the "what is going on over there" situation.
Any input would be greatly appreciated.
~ Katrina
- Mocha2001's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I'm curious Katrina.
Lovers do not finally meet somewhere, they were with each other all along.
Is Jacob's bm that unhygenic herself? Does she put as much or more effort into taking care of herself than she does Jacob,or is she just as filthy? Also, regarding the care of Jacob while in bm's care, I would defiantly tell dh to approach bm on this issue, but have him try not to make it come across as an attack on her. If she does take care of herself, I would have dh ask her what SHE thinks is going on with Jacob, as you both know how well she takes care of herself, it just seemed to you both that maybe she is trying to teach Jacob to take responsibility for his own care to some degree and he obviously isnt understanding all he needs to do(yes this is most definatly a bullshit statement, however, maybe it will give her the idea of how disturbed you both are with his hygene, without out and out accusing her(even though you know its her). As far as the Montessori is concerned, I believe dh is right, no matter what he says about this issue, bm will do as she wishes. In regards to the wetting of his pants, this is often a sign of some emotional disturbance in children, as well as the recent acting out he is displaying, especially when that is not the norm for him. The only way to correct these problems is to just continue communicating with Jacob and hopefully in round about ways he will give you and dh some indication of what has brought about these steps backwards in Jacob. Good luck sweetie.
On my other step mommy
On my other step mommy website one of the gals suggested playing the "I am happy when ..." "I am sad when ..." game with Ss and see if we come up with anything. We do talk to him about the wetting the pants thing ... he says he just forgets.
BM isn't the cleanest person, but she certainly isn't dirty. She gets a manicure and pedicure every couple of weeks, but she does pull her hair out of the crown of her head. She always has it in a pony tail because of that.
We've brought up all of these issues with her before, and in the court documents, but it never works. We do tell Jacob that he should take a bath every day, and if he wants to take a bath or thinks he should to tell mommy he wants to take a bath.
~ Katrina
I don't know, Katrina.
Having had the benefit of time to think about it, I almost think, in hindsight, I would've taken him straight to the ped or an urgent care clinic just to document the condition of his ears and to determine blood vs. dirt under the nails. You know that wetting can be a red flag, although a lot of kids older than him have problems and it turns out to be nothing, just something they eventually grow out of. But the wetting in combination with being dirty and unkempt, and having behavior problems at school tells me there's something going on. What does your gut tell you? I think you're right about the approach to take with BM, but whatever you agree to on Montessori, she'll probably take it all back as soon as Erik confronts her on the other. That's just the way the game is played with a BM like her. Have you tried playing stupid? Um, Andrea, have you noticed that Jacob is having trouble mastering basic hygiene? Do you think we should come up with a plan to monitor this? What works for you in your home?
~ Anne ~
"Love, having no geography, knows no boundaries."
(Truman Capote)
That's the thing ... it's
That's the thing ... it's everything that is going on. We didn't have him in time to go to the doctor ... but we did talk about it cuz we knew his ears were a concern.
DH and I have talked about it and we think that it has been a troublesome couple of weeks, and maybe he's picking up on the tension in BM's home. She had the not paying teh daycare issue, then having to bring the HELOC current, etc. And I'm sure her BF got in trouble for talking to DH about stuff.
I like your idea at the end of your post, but Jacob is too young to be thinking of that stuff. We are trying to remind him to point these things out. LIke he gets his ingrown toe nails and he says "they hurt." Well, of course they hurt, they get ingrown and Andrea doesn't cut them for two weeks, so ... I told him when they start to hurt to tell mommy that he needs his toe nails cut. I just think he doesn't pay attention to that stuff, so he doesn't think about it. We will keep telling him that kind of stuff.
He also said something to Erik about (sorry, I'm just tired of using BM, SS and if she's on this site and figures it out I really don't care) ... anyway Erik asked Jacob why he was acting out at school and he said "because I want to see you more daddy. Mommy isn't sharing and that's not nice." So, it could just be that ... he's done it before and when he's really acted out she's given us more time. Heck if that's what it takes he can make her life a living hell for all I care. LOL
~ Katrina
Great suggestions...
Here's another thought to add...
What about giving Jacob a couple of books that you can sit and read with him about hygiene, etc? IE... you teach Jacob, he inadvertently talks about this book, send it home with him, etc. On top of using the 'I'm dumb, what should we do?' approach?
My SS had some books, I can't remember off the top of my head. One was about an Elephant... something like the Polite Elephant, teaches about manners, worked like a charm. (DH had to read them to him obviously) There's couple of other ones, but if you can get his interest to be 'like' one of these characters, without him even knowing it, he'll be mimicking them, and hence hygiene may improve without anyone's feeling getting upset, offended, etc. Just a thought. It worked for us...
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
We have the Veggie Tales
We have the Veggie Tales books ... not sure if there is anything about bathing and stuff, but I"ll have to look. That's a great idea! His manners are great when he's with us. "Trina may I please have ..." "Trina can I go ride my bike." He's just great with that. He forgets his table manners though because she doesn't work with him. It's obvious when she has worked with him cuz he remembers certain things.
~ Katrina
Try looking for these...
This is the one we had:
Does an Elephant Take a Bath? by Fred Ehrlich
Ms. Sneed's Guide to Hygiene by Dale Gottlieb
Germs Are Not for Sharing by Elizabeth Verdick
Germs by Judy Oetting
Dr. Dog by Babette Cole
Ouch! Bye Bye, Boo-Boos by Kelli Chipponeri
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
Thanks for the book ideas
Thanks for the book ideas ... I'll be looking into it for sure.
~ Katrina
That is Pure Lazy Parenting
BM sounds like a lazy parent. My experience with kids that age is unless you specifically stay on them to take a bath everynight they won't. If I don't pay attention to my SKIDS they would probably not take a bath for days. My DH doesn't pay attention at times. I get upset because the kids are not babies and should not have to be told to take a bath. My own children were the same. Once they discovered girls then the deodorant started coming on and they took baths on a consistent basis.
My son used to pretend to take a bath. He would run the water and go in and wet his hair. Well it didn't work because he would come out of the bathroom with a wet head and a muddy face!!!!!
Maybe DH should just say he went to school and it appears that SS is not bathing like he should. Don't blame the BM. Just make the suggestion that she ought to pay a bit of attention and be sure that SS is taking a bath because it appears he is skipping them.
We've said something to her
We've said something to her before, she doesn't give a crap! My God the 4 year old child got cradle cap from not being bathed enough. Unfortunately, it didn't appear until Monday when we were taking him back to school, so I didn't have a chance to take him to the Dr. (next time I will no matter what). And when we brought it up to her, she said "oh, I know, it comes and goes." DH was floored. She just doesn't give a crap, period! I just need to keep my forgiveness bone in order, and know that when SS is with us, he's properly taken care of, and in less than 5-years he'll probably be living with us ...
~ Katrina
same problems over here!
In our case,BM is quite clean herself. SS's on the other hand are usually needing a bath very badly by the time they get here every other wkend. Hubby just went over it with both boys again this weekend, 14 & 11. He explained to them that others do not wish to smell your body odor and especially with it being summer, you need to bath more often. I do not understand why BM would not encourage them or just plain out tell them to have a bath more often. Maybe she just doesn't care how the kids look or smell...who knows!
Corie
It's like Cruella said ...
It's like Cruella said ... they are lazy BMs ... he he he!!!
~ Katrina