I went through a lot of this early in our marriage, too. If I answered the phone, she'd start screeching profanities at me. I'd hang up, she'd call back, on and on and on. We'd go out to dinner, come home, see the light blinking on the machine, play back the messages and then have to dive for the OFF button so that our kids wouldn't hear the screaming and cursing message she'd left on the answering machine. It got old really fast, believe me. I'd try to talk nicely to her, tried to work things out with her, nothing good ever came of it. We've had maybe two semi-pleasant conversations in five years. The rest of it was basically her swearing at me and me hanging up on her. What I did to survive it was to just ignore her. I don't talk to her on the phone and I don't respond to ugly emails. I have ZERO to do with her.

My husband's ex-wife does not have our unlisted home phone number, my cell phone number, his work number or his pager number. The only number she has or will ever be given is his cell phone number. This way, I don't have to worry about one of my kids answering the phone when she calls on one of her screaming, cursing rampages. Nor do I have to listen to the phone ring incessantly if we don't answer, because she will call back a zillion times just letting it ring until we either answer it or take it off the hook. Plus, without our home number, she can't leave ugly voice mails on our answering machine, which our children would hear. She doesn't have his work email address, either, but she does have our home email address and this is what we usually use to communicate with her. So basically, she has access to us via our home email and my husband's cell phone, which can be turned off with the push of a button.

Because we've always lived at least 4 hours away from her and it was a long trip to get the kids for visitation, I always have them call her as soon as they get home to let her know that they made it safe and sound. Then we don't accept any calls from her at all while they are with us. If she leaves a message and it's important, then of course we have them call her back and my husband will usually call her to make drop off arrangements at the end of the visit. Otherwise, there are no phone calls.

I know that living in this situation can definitely make you crazy, but I also know that if you and he can agree to and establish some boundaries, it doesn't have to always be horrible. She'll have to have your address, but she doesn't have to have your phone number. Give her only his cell phone number and set it so that it only vibrates when she calls. That way you are not interrupted by incessant phone calls. If you do move in together, have him communicate to her that his living situation has changed, that he can now be reached via whatever email address or at whatever phone number. Make sure he understands that you will not run interference for him, that he must handle all dealings with her. That way, you don't get sucked into something you don't want to get sucked into.

The first three years of my marriage were a complete and utter nightmare, because I was trying to "do the right thing" and form some kind of working relationship with her. I tried to mediate between my husband and his ex-wife, which was never going to work. I tried to prove myself to her that I could be trusted with her kids, but she'd had her mind made up the second she heard he was marrying me. My life was in total chaos and I was a basketcase until I just decided to let it go. I had our phone number changed and stopped engaging with her. My life has been mostly peaceful ever since. Now, don't get me wrong... my husband still has to wage war with her on occasion, but I can just be supportive and in the background, not on the front lines taking fire with him. Boundaries are important and I think if you and he can agree to some simple rules, then you can keep her at arm's length.

~ Anne ~

We too had a similar situation. Now, we screen all our calls and have Caller ID. The only number that BM has is our home phone. We NEVER pick up the phone for her. We to were getting the same treatment, and infact, there was a time that my SS would, on his own, 'pick up' the messages off the machine. One day, he heard her cursing and cussing us out, saying all kinds of things and the last message was something like she knew we were here, and demanded we pick up the f'ing phone right now!- we weren't home and there were numerious messages from her that day, that was the last one. She expected us to be at her beck-n-call 24/7 while SS was here, and that included being home when she called... um, so sorry that we have a life, you don't.

Anyway, from that day forward, we got a new answering machine and caller ID, and SS doesn't check the messsages anymore. When she calls, she immediately gets sent to the vmsg, and if we are here, and it's not interrupting anything, we let SS pick up and talk to her. But otherwise, we call her back on our time, when it's appropriate for us even if it's a few days later. And yes, we have been known to turn off the volume on the machine on several occasions. We got sick of her calling like clock work, while we were all snuggled up watching a movie, having a family moment. Somehow, probably because SS would be excited about the happenings here and you know how kids are, he probably talked about what we did, and that, and this, she figured out what our family night was and would repeatedly try to 'interrupt' it anyway she could. It was sooo annoying to me. So, I just got in the habit that once SS was here, and in the evenings after we had dinner and we settled in for the evening, the volume gets turned down. Most of our family and friends call both our home and our cell if it's important when they need to really get ahold of us, otherwise, they now the routine of leaving a message and we'll call them back.

And it's like Anne says, you just have to ignore her. She can get under your skin, but just let your DH handle it. That's all I do too. When it comes to having to communicate with BM, DH does it. I too tried to be civil, even friendly because that's my nature, but she just rejected me to full extent. In some ways, because I was so bubbly, I think that might have fueled her fury even more. She's very insecure, unfortunately. I find most BM's are for some reason. Seems to be a connection.

Truthfully, had I known what I know now, I think I might have chosen differently too, but I absolutely love my DH and so with that, I am in it for the long haul. I have commited myself to him, our marriage, and the situation we have to full extent. I realize that this is not a cat walk, but what is? We all have to face challenages in our lives and truthfully, I'd rather have this challenge to deal with than something that is life threatening...belive me, I've been there too. Life it too short.

IT does get better, but you do have to work at it. You also have to realize not to take things personnally, because that is what BM's who constantly fight, bicker, complain, moan and groan want. They push the buttons because it's the only way they can feel they have some control of the situation. It's all about control. So, when things get bad, try to take the emotion out of the picture, and look at it from a different perspective whenever possible- just so you can find the best solution. It's not easy, I know I too lose it from time to time... believe me. I am not perfect, but I find the best solution for me is to 'disconnect' whenever she 'calls'. I just ignore her flat out. When she's in my physical presence, you know the saying... keep you're friends close, but your enemies closer... well, that's me. I just smile from ear to ear, and am polite, friendly, and just move on. Nothing more, nothing less.

for our situations. Seems that we all have to deal with this way or another. Most of us certainly can go on and on and on with stories that just spoil things for the kids. Sad to me.

So, yes, WE ARE NOT ALONE! lol. Great to have this site, I tell you!