So glad I found this site!

I'm a new SM to my DH's kids from a previous marriage. The BM has primary custody and has recently remarried as well. Sadly, BM has addiction issues and we get the impression that, judging from how needy the kids are when they're with us, there is a lot of emotional neglect. BM devotes most of her attention to the source of her addiction (that always comes first, of course) as well as doting on the new hubby, sometimes to the point of detriment to the kids. Despite the trauma of divorce, their BM's personal problems, and other issues/incidents that I cannot disclose here, the kids are fairly well-adjusted and functional - so far. This is nothing short of miraculous considering what we've pieced together regarding their primary living environment. Fingers crossed.

We have the skids two weekends a month, and while that isn't very often in the grand scheme of things, sometimes it feels like MORE than enough. There are some Sunday evenings that can't come soon enough and I feel like "Get thee back, from whence ye sprang!" I am still getting used to having my house turned upside-down when they're here, and I struggle with the challenges of being a parental figure, figuring out what my "role" is, etc. My DH comes from a unique blended family structure himself (which he idealizes) and subsequently he has some high -and sometimes unrealistic- expectations about me as a SM, or us as a stepfamily. Like I'm supposed to swoop in all motherly-like and we magically become this perfect family unit, straight out of some Brady Bunch-era feel good TV romp.

My DH says his greatest wish is that I eventually "embrace and view the children as I would my own," but ... they're NOT. That doesn't mean I won't love them, or spend time with them, or be the strong female role model that they so desperately need. However, I did not give them birth and I have not been an authority figure in their lives since infancy. Nor am I trying to replace their BM, as wretched as she may be. I maintain that my relationship with the skids will never contain the same bond as that shared between bio parents and their bio/adopted kids. Unlike what largely occurred with my DH's family growing up, our situation involves bio parents who are both still in the picture. This is not a situation where a bio parent has disappeared or is deceased, or a situation involving adoption, so I don't view our own stepfamily unit as 100% comparable to his childhood experience.

Thankfully, God has blessed me with a wonderful DH who fully respects and supports me, especially when it comes to the kids. We are a unified front wherein disrespect is not tolerated. Since he is the BD, and I consider the kids to be primarily his responsibility when they're here, I leave the majority of the discipline and childcare in his hands; he is very capable and has a great aptitude for it, which is (from what I hear) unusual for a man. I provide assistance by way of supporting him and taking on other tasks that are not always directly related to the kids, but that ultimately contribute to the overall well-being of the household. This is an unspoken routine that seems to be working well for us thus far; I've let the dynamic play out on its own in conjunction with honoring my own comfort level and what I feel is appropriate for my role.

I'm really looking forward to interacting with other parents here (all kinds!), exploring those "touchy" subjects that are unique to the stepfamily dynamic, and hopefully learning something valuable along the way. Thanks for reading; I'm glad I'm not alone!