declining dinners
We have my stepkids (ss7, sd5) every tuesday night, thursday night and every other friday/sat/sun until monday morning. (I feel like that sentence is burned into my brain, I have repeated it so many times in my life....)
Anyway, DH always takes the kids to dinner on tuesday. For years, I joined. After a while, though, I realized it was totally exhausting me. To make it on time, I had to RACE from work to the restaurant by 530 (nearly impossible). The dinners always take place at loud, "kid friendly" spots and are not relaxing in any way. After the dinners, we drop the kids off at BM's apartment, and she is rude to me and pretends I am invisible or dead.
At some point, my therapist told me I am crazy to keep up this pace and continue with these dinners. She told me to just announce that I would no longer attend. I did, and it has been a huge, positive change in my week -- I wander home slowly, sometimes I meet friends...it is wonderful.
DH is really annoyed and feels that by missing the dinners, I am removing myself from the family. The kids wonder where I am and ask questions, and DH is mad that he has to disappoint them. He is no pressuring me to return to dinners. What would you do? Am I being mean and selfish?
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IMO, I think it's a positive
IMO, I think it's a positive thing the kids have one night alone with just their dad. I would not worry about it at all. I think your DH is a bit silly to worry about one weekly event like this . You spend plenty of other time with the kids. Alone time is important for bio-kids and their parents - all the experts agree on that. Tell DH to relax ... enjoy his evening alone with his children and think of it as a "gift of time" from you to him.
Is there a compromise here?
Is there a compromise here? Just explain to DH and the Skids how difficult it is to make it every week and how it stresses you out and you aren't able to enjoy their company nearly as much as you would like. Could you make every other dinner? Or at least once a month? Does this have to be an all or nothing situation?
***and I agree with 2ndtimearound also - it could also be presented as quality time that EVERY parent should have alone with their child. BUT, if DH and the skids don't want as much alone time, I would try to see if there is a compromise in this situation.
I guess I feel that the
I guess I feel that the compromise is that I cook and clean for them (and make lunches, and entertain, and put them to bed) every Thursday night and ever other Friday, Saturday and Sunday night...so giving up Tuesday dinners is a bit of "me" time that I'm really loath to give up.
DH said something about how I should at least come "sometimes..." but I worry that with DH sometimes will turn into "most times" and then "all times."
I just don't know. I feel like the time and effort I put in already should be enough (more than enough) and I hate this pressure! You're right that I don't enjoy their company on those nights because I am so sweaty and tired from racing uptown (and ducking out of work early) to get there!)
Thanks. I think that is
Thanks. I think that is right, too -- it's good for them to have that time, and it's good for me, too. Probably the only person it isn't good for is DH, and he'll have to live with it.
It's funny, because I had
It's funny, because I had tons of one-on-one time with both of my parents (they are still married, but they did a lot of things independently with us) and i really cherish those dinners or concerts with just my mom, or just my dad. For some reason, those are the strongest childhood memories that I have!
yeah, i totally agree -- but
yeah, i totally agree -- but we live in manhattan, and we don't have cars, so the logistics wouldn't work (he couldn't get them up to our apartment and then back to BM's in time for bed on tuesdays so they just eat near BM's apartment -- another reason I hate those dinners, because we are on "her turf." She also lives in the lamest neighborhood in NYC, in my opinion).
i also agree about kid friendly restaurants--HORRIBLE. sitting in one is a unique form of torture.
i try to cook at home when we have the kids on all other nights, and then save restaurants for when i am totally exhausted (if we bring the kids) or when DH and I have alone time (and then I try to pick a sexy spot!) that said, we eat dinner out a lot here.
no real beaches on manhattan
no real beaches on manhattan (although there is a man-made one down in the seaport that kind of creeps me out). lots of lovely parks, though. that's definitely more of a weekend event for us, but now that the weather is nice there are some great evening concerts in the parks (more of a thing I do with DH than the kids, they are a bit young to stay quiet during a concert right now).
well, i guess that worked out
well, i guess that worked out for you! maybe you will become a sports fan!
maybe you can catch a fly
maybe you can catch a fly ball (or whatever it is one catches at these sports events!)
Mich: My DH would be
Mich: My DH would be disappointed if I didn't go in that situation. I just think it would hurt his feelings, and he enjoys things more when we're all together. That's just a parenting difference we have, even w/ our bio child. I like to do stuff alone with her once in a while.
I agree w/ Crayon so much, but since you are a big city girl, I can see why it won't work for you. They must stay over on Thursdays, and that's how you can eat at home?
Is there any type of compromise that you would want to strike with him? If not, you should just stick with what you're doing. You're not being mean!
Yep, exactly -- they stay
Yep, exactly -- they stay with us on thursdays, so we can eat at home then. In a perfect world, I'd definitely opt for most dinners at home, esp when we have the kids with us.
And I think my DH is like yours -- it just hurts his feelings, and he doesn't see the benefit I get from it (rest, ability to not race out of work --something i already do on thursdays-- and time with friends during the week!)
I would offer a compromise of
I would offer a compromise of joining them for dinner SOMETIMES. Maybe once per month. Remind your husband that it's healthy for couples to have some solo time and how beneficial *wink*wink* it could be for him on the nights he comes home to a wife who is relaxed and happy after some down time versus coming home to a high strung crabby wife who has rushed around ALL DAMN DAY!
This worked for us. My kids are sometimes gone with their dad on Wednesday evenings which is when DH has his kids from 6-8. Some days that's the best 2 hours of my ENTIRE week!!
I agree with what has been
I agree with what has been said. Explain to your DH that you think it's nice for him to spend some time with his children on his own and suggest when you have them on the weekend you all go out and do things together. If you're starting to feel bad maybe you could go out for a dinner once a month or something?