Adult SD is beyond manpulative
My fiance and I have been together for 3 yrs, we are planning on getting married soon. Only I don't know I can do it, because of his daughter. He places on some weird pedestal. We live in a different state then she does and until recently I have put up with her deceitful behaviors. I just can't do it anymore. We went to her wedding a couple years ago, only to find out that her husband is a drug addict. She led her Dad to believe that she had just found this out, while she told me that she knew for years. She will make up these crazy stories to gain sympathy from her dad, because he will want to fix the situation and not let his grandchildren live in this mess. The thing is, she is doing this to get money out of him, to supply her own addiction to adderall. Although he has said he knows she takes adderall, but it is a legal drug, so he is not concerned. She dropped a huge amount of weight in a very short period of time and clained that it was due to dietary changes. Guess again... she told a family member it was due to adderall use. She has him convinced that she has graduated from college with a Master's degree and nearly completed her doctorate, and that she graduated with 5 minors. Not even sure how that is possible. I did a search on the college alumni and past graduates, her name is nowhere to be found. So, she has conned him into thinking she is a brilliant woman. She does not work, because she will not leave her children in daycare. Her only work experience is as a bartender/waitress. She is in 30's. Her dad has sustained some brain damage due his past career choices, so I asked her to be careful what she tells him, because he takes what she says and takes to it to a whole new level. Not that she should not talk to her dad, but to understand that what she tells him has tendency to make him think that her home situation is far more dire then what it actually is. She proceeded to have temper tantrum and called her dad to complain and twist the conversation. Which lead to a huge blowout, to the point that I am reconsidering even marrying him. He continues to choose her and refuses to believe or accept that she has a bag of problems that need to be addressed and that he will not stop sending her money when she askes because he does not want the grandchildren to go without. To the best of my knowledge she has received well over $10,000.00 in the last couple years. And that is what I know of. I am told that I am jealous of her and I am trying to interfere in their relationship. I have 3 grown children myself, so I know what is and is not acceptable parent/ adult child interactions. He did not raise her, so I think he has some kind of guilt about that, additionally, since he did not raise her, he has not clue what her "tells" are when she is lying. As I am writing this, it seems apparent to me that it is a situation I no longer want to be in.
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How old are her kids?
How old are her kids?
So he thinks that it's his role to ensure his daughter's kids don't go without, not his daughter's role... So how long is he going to enable her to stay at home? Forever? He's not doing her a favour. What will she do when he is gone if she's never bothered building her career and her only work experience will be so long ago as to be completely irrelevant.
So where is the money coming from that's going to her? What's he going to live on when he's retired? How did he think your finances would fit into all of this?
How big is the home you would be living in together if you did marry? Big enough to take in this poor waif and her children if her husband either divorces her or ODs?
Her children are 1 and 3.
Her children are 1 and 3. That is exaclty where I am too. The house was mine before we met, so she I would never allow her to live in my home. She is entibled and priviledged. Her mother and step father had a lot of money. After they split up, her mother continues to have a lot of money and enables her also.
Telling SD that she needs to
Telling SD that she needs to be careful about what she tells her Dad was the wrong move. SD knows EXACTLY what she is doing and is intentionally trying to paint her life as more dire. Why? To obtain resources to maintain her lifestyle. Did you really expect her to accept what you said and change her ways?
If your DH wants to keep his head in the sand, then there is little you can do to change that. Some parents refuse to see the reality of the situation and want to live in a state of denial that skids are amazing and successful. The worst part is that these parents will continue to fund and support these kids with every sob story to help them "maintain" this level of success, when in reality, these kids are just freeloading.
It is unlikely that this situation will change. DH will continue to keep his head buried, SD will continue to manipulate and exploit him, and any interference from you will lead to drama from both DH and SD, pushing you out and SD further in. I, personally, would let this one go if you have any doubts.
You are right
You are right
Think twice
As a 77yo SM of a very manipulative SD60, I'd advise you to think twice about marrying your fiance. If you do, I'd definitely keep separate finances. The good news is she lives far from you but obviously she can make her wishes known by phone.
My DH85 is also a Guilty Dad who can't say no. We have wracked up thousands of dollars bailing her out from her poor decisions, inability to cope, stupidity and greed. My DH does see her dysfunction but can't help himself from rescuing her. As an 85yo cancer patient, he now often talks to her about leaning on someone else. The only problem is, she has misused everyone else in her life and nobody wants to get involved.
So, if you marry, keep separate finances and carefully watch the household accounts and charges. These Daddys will use whatever they can to rescue their poor baby.
Giving my own kids $20 for
Giving my own kids $20 for gas spordically is a chore for me. I feel as if, they are well into adulthood and it is their responsiblity. Now if something terrible happens and they really need my help, of course I would do what I could for them. I love my kids, I just will not take on their financial responbilities.
I hear you
I hear you, I will help a child or step-child in an emergency. We had SS living here a couple years when he was homeless and depressed. We have had my DS and wife living here a few months after hurricane damage. And, we had SD60 living here 9 months when she was evicted and couldn't get a place. All of these have been "one and done" situations except SD who abused our hospitality by stealing from us for her drug habit and who continues to lean on Daddy for every blip in her life.
Protect your finances
Addiction enabling is an insidious destroyer of finances. I'd consider living together, getting married would allow him to take out joint credit.
Also, this:
Let this one go
You sound like you are independent with a good solid life of your own. You arent stuck because of finances or children together. If you are having doubts, well now is the time to really think if this is the life you want.
Shes a mni-wife and hes a Guitly Dadee.
She lies and manipulates. He refuses to acknowledge anything she does is wrong.
Shes LIED about her education. Made it up. He is happy to believe her. Shes LIED about you too. This will not magically go away anytime soon.
Good that you are here. Read others posts. Adult Forum. Let it sink in - you are not alone.
PRENUP1
Don't marry him unless you have an ironclad prenuptial agreement that says he can never have SD live with you or give her any money. If he does, he has to move out and pay you alimony, and you get the house.
Does your SO have a lot of
Does your SO have a lot of disposable income such that giving to his daughter doesn't affect his finances? Is his retirement fully funded? Has he been 100% above board about what he gives her, or does he keep it secret from you? Does what he does for his daughter take away from you in any way (needed money, time, etc.)?
If finances are an issue, retirement isn't secure, he sneaks around in what he does for his daughter or he's making you feel less than, don't marry him. If I did marry him, there would be separate finances, a prenup and an agreement about what is acceptable to you and what is not with respect to his daughter and grandchilden.
Oh geez
Hun run far and fast.
It wont change other than you will get more resentful.
If there is this much conflict with the entitled lying SD BEFORE marriage. Wait til after and the con artist will ramp it up. With your SO's disability he wont ever hear any of this with a clear head. Another strike against you.
Live a happy and peaceful life kind lady without all the shennanigans.
Blessings
He doesn't sound like
He doesn't sound like marriage (or even boyfriend) material.
This will never stop and will cause a lot of friction in your relationship.
I call bullshi* on the 5 minors
Even in australia the most a uni can offer is 3 minors in a degree and an employer will want majors as minors do not hold much weight.
i'd say more likely she studied 1-2 units and over exaggerated that to become 5 minors
It sounds like you have
It sounds like you have determined that marriage shouldn’t be in the cards for you with this man. I know sometimes having outside unbiased opinions can help solidify what you are already thinking. I hope you take the advice and don’t marry this guy, you think it’s rough now, think if you really do marry him and he now gets half of everything you own.
RUN!!!!
This really depends on how much money yourself SO has
If he has millions of $. And giving SD $100,000 a year is no big dent in his financial life, so what. If he has two cents and living paycheck to paycheck like most of us. Then supporting his adult DD is a big deal. She will always be after his money. There will be better stories and better stories as time goes on, Medical , car, sick GK ect.
I would not married him, live the way you are now. At least you are not also supporting DD now. If things turn bad he out on the streets or better still living with DD
Boundaries
I have 4 Skids ages from 33 to 15 with 3 different BMs. Middle SS22 is an addict and has been since he was as 12. When my husband and I were first living together (he moved in with me), SS22's BM decided she couldn't handle him and kicked him out at the age of 15. He then came to live with us. I barely knew him. I knew he was a trouble teen but I didn't know the extent of his "troubles". He disrupted our home right off the bat. My husband had guilty dad syndrome at first (for almost the first year SS was with us). At first, I tried to step into the "mom" role since BM would have nothing to do with him. I would get him up, bring him to school, I got manipulated by him for the first few months until I realized he what he was doing. And when things started to get crazy - SS had rages when coming off of whatever drugs he was on - and my home was being destroyed, we had to lock our bedroom door at night, i had to lock my purse away, etc...- I began to speak up and tell my husband this is not normal. SS became extremely resentful of me because his manipulations weren't working on me anymore and I'd call him out, and his dad was starting to see the light. It got so bad in our home after two years of with SS that I got to a point where I told my husband that I loved him very much but that his son needs more than I or him can give him. That I'd understand if he needed to take care of his son away from me. As hard as it would be for me, I was willing to let him go to deal with his son issues. But that I couldn't and didn't want to do it anymore. That his son was not my responsiblity. I think that opened my husband's eyes. We gave his son an ultimatum - either go to rehab or you are out on your own. No ifs ands or buts. He chose rehab. However, he didn't last more than 2 weeks before he got kicked out. He came home to our place but I kicked him out the following day after he broke house rules (we had told him there was no wiggle room with our house rules, one step outside the line and he would be out - he decided he wanted to test me the following me morning when my husband had gone to work - didn't work out for him). I let my husband know that day that I would never live under the same roof as his son again no matter what the circumstances are. And I still hold to that boudary to this day almost 6 years later. I joined naranon for support. My husband has done much better over the years at holding his boundaries with SS as well (with a few slips here and there of course). It's ALOT of work and learning but as long as the boundaries are held in place, it makes a difference. Addiction affects everyone in the family and manipulation is the key that addicts' use to guilty parent's hearts. Hence why boundaries are important.
So many issues here. Unless
So many issues here. Unless your SO wants to see things clearly and make changes, nothing will change for you. Oh, except that your resentment will grow.
Be glad that your love goggles aren't blinding you from the truth. Only you know what you can and can't tolerate and what you need to be happy. Better to leave the relationship now than tolerate more unhappy years.
I tolerated a lot of cr@p from my DH and his kids, too. Money, addiction, control, miniwife behavior. My DH worked HARD at changing old patterns and for the most part has been successful. I am 1000% disengaged, which works for us. We still have the occasional issue, but nothing like it used to be. I would not have stayed under the old conditions.
Glad to hear that you have gained clarity to avoid this
shit show like the plague.
In the sad possibility that you go forward with this marriage, or even if you don't, time to introduct hopefully never DH to the facts regarding his spawn. Pay for a CBC on her. Get the facts, give that report to daddy so he can at least know the truth and hopefully keep his toxic spawn at arms length.
My SIL tells people she has a Bachelor's degree. Nope. Which is why she never gets any offers for professional roles that she applies for and ends up as an entry level fork lift driver each time she runs into her usual "my boss is an idiot and I can't stand working there anymore" situation. When the truth is, she got fired again.Yes, she attempted enough courses to equate to a BA in General Studies. But... she failed more than half of them and never re-took any of the classes she failed. The school finally would no longer process her school loan applications or let her register for any more classes. She is a lying POS idiot. The employers check, and see her lies about having a degree.
Of courst "it isn't fairrrrrrr, I took the classes, I should be able to say I have a degreeeeeeee, whaaaaaaaa!"
I have to carely navigate these discussions when my DW is upset that her little sister has yet again "resigned" from a job. The natural consequences for this is that she now is unemployable at any business within reasonable commute distance of their house. She commutes a minimum of an hour and half one way. So... cue the tears about gas prices, needing a new car that gets better gas mileage, with no mention of the cost benefit between reduced fuel usage and the cost of the new car, which would be no problem for her to analyze if she had actually completed a degree. She has played the "can't afford to fill up my car" crap card to buy three new cars over the years. The payback on the purshcase price of the new car against fuel savings is never less than two decades. As I said... idiot.