Oh Wow..That is quite the triangle you have there. I'm sorry to hear about the situation though. I can't even imagine. I have two bio kids myself. The only real advice I can give you at this point is -Patience-...Lots of it. If I were you, I would go to Babycenter.com They have tons of useful information on everything from the 1st trimester to toddlers. From bottles to diapers and how-to's. And almost everything inbetween. They also have forums. I found the site and their book quite helpful during my first pregnancy..I still reference their website every once in a while for advice about my 4 year old. I don't know if you know or not, but if the BM is planning on breast feeding, I doubt you will be involved with the baby much at all for quite some time. Babies need to feed often, every two hours for the first month or two. Unless you and your DH plan on going over to the BM house, I doubt the BM will want the baby to leave. Thats just my opinion. Good luck, I hope the tiny advice I gave helps you in this tough situation.

I would try to find out how old a child must be to start overnight visits away from the BM. Once the baby is old enough, a plan can be created to ease the baby into overnight visits.

Your husband needs to sit down with his lawyer to take the first steps in drawing up a custody agreement/parenting plan that outlines visitation, child support, etc.

Without the details, and maybe your mind is already made up, but maybe you should look real hard at what actually happened here. You are married to a man who got another woman pg. Whether it is his ex or not I wonder why you would want to stay. I was married to a very convincing, charming man who could not keep his hands to himself.....first time maybe forgivable but your eyes should be open to what may lay ahead of you if you decide to stay with your husband. Sorry, I know this wasn't what you were looking for but I really think you are putting yourself in a very hard spot and you will find yourself very unhappy trying to deal with this situation. There are been a huge betrayal of trust here......I don't know the situation but even if you two were seperated and this happened, he still did go back to his ex. I think you have a BIG flag waving as a wake up call!

I think some people are being pretty hard on the situation, just looking at it from an outside perspective. My first reaction after reading this and your last blog was the same...why would he run off to another woman if he was in love with you?

Fact is, not everyone grieves the same. Just because he slept with someone doesn't mean he had a relationship with her. There are plenty of folks on here who have made those choices in their darkest moments or who's husbands have done so.

To me, it sounds like you were going through some personal things that possibly led you possibly to make a rash decision (in going through with the divorce). Who can say they've never done that? Especially if you feel like something's just not right and you can't put your finger on whether its you, the relationship, the other person, your living situation, your job, your spirit, etc.....sometimes you can't figure it out until you start cleaning out your closets (so to speak) and let a few things go. That is when you find out what you needed and want back.

It sounds to me that you took the risk to let him go. It sounds like it was your choice. And it sounds like you are somewhat at peace with that decision -- as it led you to figure out what you wanted. Now you are trying to face the realities of the consequences of that decision, and people are telling you to leave. I think you are a very strong person for looking at your situation with eyes wide open and aware of all the intricacies that will now go along with it.

As far as advice, mine to you is to never give her a reason to dislike you. Just remember...it will be an awkward situation for ALL of you when dealing with drop offs and pick ups and coordinating care of a newborn. The sooner you can all deal with it in an adult and mature manner, the better the life and care for this child will be. I am not sure it's worth the battle to go for full custody? If for some reason the BM is fine with it, then I guess go for it...but I don't think a battle will help the situation. It will make it worse, and if she's not an "unfit" mother, most states would never grant that. I understand your worry about her getting angry/mad/vengeful and trying to hurt you and your husband through child support/money, etc...which is certainly a possibility. If your state offers mediation or if you can find a community support program for blended families, I would go that route before fighting for custody. Maybe you can work something out so that everyone is okay with the outcome. Best of luck!

Good luck Melkay - I am afraid you are going to need it.

Besides the advice of not going into this relationship again for reason everyone else has said, here is advice on stepmotherhood. (because I know you want advice on that and will not hear advice about your actual relationship). So, if you insist on staying with this man- a few realities based on MY experience:
1. Do NOT go into this as a naive person and expect everyone to get along. The movie 'Stepmom' and relationships like that between steps and both birth parents are rare. Not saying it can't happen but don't expect it.
2. When it comes to your own child a person's ugly side will come out. Expect that from the bm. Expect the worst so you won't be shocked if/when her ugly side comes out.
3. Remember bm will always be the other woman. Forever. In your life. It isn't she that will have to deal with it. You will have to deal with it, overcome it and not complain about it.
4. Whatever is decided will be between her and your dh. Most things will only be between them. Bm may not want you to play any major role in his child's life and that is somehing else you may have to deal with.
5 To the bm, you will be the other woman.
6. This is not your baby. Sorry, but even though it is dh's it is not yours. Bm may not want you to have any relationship with this child or she may. She might restrict you from certain things. And there isn't anything you can do. I may be off but I sense maybe you are hoping to help raise this baby because you have wanted a baby. Step parenting isn't just stepping up to 'save the day'. It is hard work that goes unappreciated, unnoticed, and has no guarantees. There is no guarantee that the relationship you want with this child will happen because the child already has a mother.

I'm not trying to be pessimistic, just realistic. This isn't just about what to do and how to prepare for a baby. You are walking into an extremely difficult situation and it is not going to be easy or dreamy. It is hard enough when marriages are solid & tougher when the marriage is struggling. Factor in the situation of the baby & things just get more complicated...and tougher. I know sometimes couples think having a baby will fix their marriage. Please don't fall in that trap. This baby will not save your marriage, esp since it isn't even yours.

And if you still want to do this then you will have to remind yourself that this child isn't to blame. If this baby comes out the splitting image of the mom and you have to see the child all the time, learn to not resent the child. In his situation it will be easy to resent the child and blindly take it out on the child. But don't. If you are deciding now to continue in this relationship then you are also deciding not to resent this child due to his father's mistakes. You have a choice now to leave or stay and if you feel you can't do any of this then get out now.