Who are our issues really with?
I have, until recently, always overlooked my SDs' faults, because really where does the fault lay? In my eyes it really isn't their fault. Children will do what they can get away with, it is their nature. It has always been easy for me to not "hate" them, because I keep this in mind. My stepdaughters (specifically SD17) is the way she is, because DH and BM allow it. Along with SIL and FIL. She feels entitled... because... she IS. They both feel the world is revolved around them... because in their world... it is. SD17 feels no responsibility for her actions, because she has never been held responsible for them. She doesn't feel she has to listen to anyone... because she doesn't.
The two people who were suppose to teach these things to these girls, both failed them, horribly. They have taught them everything most parents strive to NOT teach their children. They have taught them it is ok to be selfish, rude, egotistical, and to completely disregard others feelings. They have never said (well BM has, but DH hasn't) that these things are OK, but they have also never taught them, that these are NOT OK. Sure, DH has said the words, and he himself has shown them by his actions, but is that really enough? I don't think so. You are suppose to hold them to certain standard. When that standard is broken there are consequences. Without teaching them that, you are setting them up to FAIL. There will be consequences for their actions in the REAL world. The REAL world is going to EAT them ALIVE.
In the real world, NO one cares if you don't get to do what you want. If you don't listen to your boss, you get fired. Then you have no money to pay for you house. If you have no money to pay for your house... you loose it, and so on, and so on. There are always consequences. Why do these parents of divorce think they are doing their children a service by not teaching them these things? They are doing them a HUGE disservice and setting them up to fail, big time.
I just don't get it, and I don't know how to get this through to my DH. He just doesn't see it. It is HIS JOB and should be his life's goal to make sure his children are ready to take care of themselves. WHY can't he see that is NOT what he is doing?
Anyway, I have really lost sight of the fact that it isn't their fault, but when do you (I) stop holding someone else responsible for their actions. I have tried to show SD17 the right way. She doesn't want to see it, because the wrong way is easier. I have tried for four years. Do I still say, ohh it isn't her fault she is the way she is? When is it HER fault? I know that most, if not all of my issue with my SD are not issues with my SD at all, they are marital problems. My DH doesn't give me the respect, and authority that I feel he should, because he doesn't "hear" me. I am suppose to be HIS partner in this life. He is suppose to stand up for me, and for HIMSELF. He is suppose to be raising these kids to be self sufficient adults. He is suppose to make sure they follow the rules and have consequences when they don't. He doesn't share those decisions with me.
So, in your relationship, is it really BM or is it your man because he won't set up boundaries?
Is it really the kid, or is it your man, because again there are no boundaries and no consequences?
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Comments
I agree that 90% of the
I agree that 90% of the fault lie with the parents, but the older you get, the MORE responsibility YOU should be taking for your own life. My SD17 is old enough to accept responsibility for her actions, good or bad. There comes a time when you have to STOP blaming the parents!
I agree with you 100%
I agree with you 100% Parents should be blamed for not teaching their children good manners/responsiblity/accountability. But when do you say hey wait a minute, you've been in the world as a free thinker for how long??? After a while you'd think they'd get the memo that rudeness/selfishness/etc is not tolerated well in society
My issues ARE with the
My issues ARE with the parents. My SDs are pretty wonderful, but when they've been with their BM for any length of time, they come back with a bit of an attitude. Not towards us, but towards each other. The constant bickering back and forth. I've seen these girls in action when they're with their BM. And she lets them get away with it. I've even stepped in and said "don't speak that way to your mother". They have NEVER treated me disrespectfully, but I think that has to do with how I treat them. I don't let them get by with misbehaving or disrespecting. My FH and I are ON IT in an instant. We don't issue threats or argue with them. Our threats in our household are PROMISES and the girls know it, because we've proved it to them.
My FH will sometimes "fall" for the whiney voices. He will also say at bedtime "it's bedtime, okay?" But he has been doing this for years and it's a habit for him. He loves his little girls to death and it shows, but he is NOT guilt parenting. I won't allow guilt parenting to go on in my house. Children are treated the same regardless of what they've been through. With love, caring, respect, consistency, discipline, and guidance. Those are the best gifts you can give your children.
**my stepdaughters did not grow in my tummy, they grew in my heart**
Sia is correct. My SD was
Sia is correct. My SD was 17 when DH and I met. She had attitude like nothing I ever saw before. However, BM raised her for the most part. DH has a job where he travels for work, and SD hung around Mommy from the time she was 13. Let me say that SD is exactly like BM. And BM did nothing to teach her daughter the ways of the world. Now, whenever she gets fired from a job, BM calls the job to cuss out the manager for firing her daughter. As if SD had no part in getting herself fired for being lazy, disrespectful, etc. And yes, once someone, anyone, gets closer to the age of 18, they know right from wrong even if they haven't been formally told what is right and wrong. Everyone must take responsibility for their own actions and attitude. In the past couple of years, DH has tried to step up to the plate and talk with SD about her behavior and attitude, but I think it's probably too late.
I really don't ever think we
I really don't ever think we can leave all of the blame on one parent. I am a very "look at it from all sides" kind of gal. Part of it is society as a whole, and I both parents hold some it. Not to say one parent doesn't hold more then the other, but both parents have to hold that.
"I will not take responsibility, where I do not have authority." ~ MeanOleMe
No, you're right. That's
No, you're right. That's why I've tried to point out some of the things that SD does that are rude, annoying, obnoxious, etc. He has tried to correct her on some things. BM does nothing to correct her. At her graduation party she stated that she wanted a new tattoo and knows that she doesn't need DH's approval but 'just wants DH to pay for it'. (clear throat). That's the first time I recognized just how rude she can be and I spoke to him about it afterward - after he and BM did NOTHING to correct her attitude. He's been getting better since.
Yes, both parents have a role to play in instilling manners, but I don't want to hijack this blog. Too long of a story.
WOW! I don't need you to
WOW! I don't need you to think it's ok... but where's the money? Sounds like my SDs'!
"I will not take responsibility, where I do not have authority." ~ MeanOleMe
I agree with your post......
I agree with your post...... Parents have to lay down some type of rules and boundaries. I started to experience this with DH when we finally moved in together and got married a month later. (We dated 2.5 years before hand)
I told him in a conversation that they were both to blame for some of the issues they were dealing with (He was just letting her run all over him and do all kinds of evil).. Well she was running him ragedy and taking advantage of him at every turn.
I explained to him that he is entitled to live, love and have fun as well. He does not have to check in with her or let her know his every move or call and ask to see his daughter to do things with her. He has a court order......
She thought she was going to run his life and his marriage again. (Second marriage for him - they were never married though)
He now has some peace as boundaries have been set.. It took her a while to adjust and now we have peace - he is no longer jumping up and down from 4 hours away. He is no longer doing all the driving when the court order states 1/2 driving for both.
It is so much better when boundaries are in place and order is set.
********She doesn't have to love me or even like me - it doesn't change a dang thing..... So get over it and move on BM!************
I think that SD is not at
I think that SD is not at fault for most of it. But the lying she is. She has been punished over and over again. She continues. Though she hasn't for about 6 months, a good streak. Neither of her parents are liars, BM twist the truth but she doesn't make something up out of the blue like SD.
That is her personality. She is a bit of a manipulator and she lies. I deal with it, it is who she is. Though she is getting better as she gets older.