How to deal with Bm and my emotions!!
Well i've been reading blogs for a while,I hesitated to write my own story but I need opinions on this,
I feel emotional, am in a new relationship, we’ve known each other a year back and we’ve been dating for 7 months now, we are madly in love he’s such a sweetheart I see my future with him. He have a beautiful 3yrs old daughter, we got along in no time she loves me and we always look forward to our weekend time together sometimes I wish she was my own, she would ask to see me whenever she facetime her daddy obviously her mom is the one holding the phone so she sees me greeting her daughter.
Problem is I’ve never been through this Bm drama , I sometimes don't know how to deal with my emotions. I honestly got no hard feelings towards the bm I don’t hate her I sometimes defend her if he speaks bad about her cz I know I could have been in her shoes one day so why hate on people, I feel for her.
Bm have done things recently that would make me question the sympathy I have for her!!
I don't know how to feel about her.
On the 1st 2nd months we were dating she would facetime him 8 to 10 times a day for no reasons even during the week when she have her dau, she would go crazy stalking him and me trying to know where we go wt we do etc. then afterwards she invited her for lunch at her place on mother’s day!!!!
That was strange I wouldn’t expect my bf going to his ex to spend mother’s day with her, he asked me if am ok with that I said yes np but I wasn’t feeling well inside.
He wouldn’t hide from me if occasionally the 3 of them met for lunch somewhere and I don’t mind that at all , but at some point I need to meet her , we invited her over for lunch 3 times and she have rejected claiming she isn’t ready for it yet. I only saw her from distance once she said hi and took her dau that was it, we never spoke. Honestly she doesn’t seem like a bad person at all I’d like to get to know her but she is so furious and dramatic over everything.
Things that bothered me, for instance she comes home to pick/drop her dau and she goes all the way into the bedroom when am not at home, once I was there and my bf went to gv her the du at the door cz she wouldnt get in knowing am inside!!! he was on his underwear It rly bothered me a lot but he didn’t do that intentionally cz she showed up at 4am.
Another time dau woke me up at 6am I made her breakfast and we would sit watch cartoons I shared a pic on my story of the show and her head from behind was shown then her mom would stalk me at 6am on all my social media accounts and track each step I do then call my bf ten times to wake him up complaining about me telling him u rly think ur a family!! Let me do some business with her, I will hammer her etc etc Honestly I was shocked.
I never expected such things from her!!!! I tried to find her to block her on facebook and I made all my pics private it bothered me so much that she stalked and harassed me that way for spending time watching cartoon with her dau.
My bf said just ignore she feels ur a challenge she doesn’t wanna believe its over, by time she will give up. NOTE: They broke up when she gave birth and thy tried many times but it never workedout so now they are separated since 2 years .She fucks around and sends him pics to try to make hm jealous but he wouldn’t care less cz he have no feelings for her, he was gonna breakup but she suddenly got pregnant and that’s how it all happened.
Maybe she loves him I donnw but what Can I do !! I came into his life he was single and we fell in love am not ready to loose him, I feel he’s the one I’ve never been this sure.
I sometimes blame him for things but I know he's helpless he tries not to hurt me but certain situations do hurt me. He took me to his parent’s and I would see a framed pic on the wall of him and his ex, at 1st it rly bothered me but then after few visits me and his mom got along I just ignored the pic like it wasn’t there. Im being treated like I don’t have rights to cry or get angry or emotional like am made of stone or something!! why does everyone say put ur self in BM shoes but what about me!! Yes she is suffering yes am sorry for her but she should move on , why hurt me!! I started getting nightmares about her trying to kill me, am not kidding.
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Comments
Mary, you're making as many
Mary, you're making as many mistakes right now as your BF is.
If you don't tell him how you feel, he will not know. If he asks you if something like having Mother's Day lunch with his child and her mother over at the mother's house and you say you don't think, why would he think you have any problems with it.
Of course he should not be having a holiday with Mom. Not in a restaurant and not in her home. They are not a couple any longer. Yes, they are the parents of the little girl, but still carrying on as if a united intact family is not good for the child. If he is truly ready to start a relationship with another woman (you) , he needs to also accept the fact that the mother and he can no longer be nor act like a couple. He needs to draw boundaries. For his sake, the mother's sake, for the child's sake and for her sake. If he can't do that, he's not ready to be with you.
The little girl needs to have a chance to accept her parents are no longer together and never will be again. The child needs to come to accept her parents find and love other people and move on from each other. Not move on from the child. They both will always be the child's parents, but that her parents are moving ahead with living separate lives. There will be two homes. Mommy and Daddy will each have parenting time and that they both may find new people to marry and build new lives with. The child needs to be able to feel secure and stable with the knowledge that her parents both love her forever, but Mommy and Daddy have decided to not be together any more.
Is there a parenting schedule? A court order laying out when Dad has the child and when Mom (BM) has the child? If not, there needs to be. A small child should not be being yanked out of bed at 4am in the morning because BM has decided she wants to pick up the child. There should be set days, times and a mutual decision as to where child exchange is. No, it's not ok for BM to barge in your home and wander around into the child's bedroom. Wether you are home or not. A parent should knock at door for such a little child, wait until someone answers door and then stand on porch or entryway waiting for child to be brought out to her. Or she could pull up out front and someone (Dad usually) brings the child out to her outside with her bag if she brings one.
And meeting BM? Don't pus for that. BM does not have to met you. She doesn't have to speak to you and she certainly does not have to co-parent the child with you. Your BF is the one who has to handle the business that needs done between the two parents. Yes, make all your social media private and block BM from all of it. If you two happen to come face to face, all that is needed is being civil. Polite and keep moving.
She is not going to be your friend. She doesn't like the thought of another woman being a possible stepmom (SM) to her daughter. And being that your BF seems to be seeing BM occasionally for child, Mommy, Daddy time, this woman really is probably still thinking she has a chance with your BF. Again, not fair to BM and certainly not fair to the child.
Welcome to Steptalk.
Nope...no lunches and 4 am with BM!
Before i married DH I was seeing a couple of guys who had some of these issues with their exes. One was still physically involved with his ex the other was unwilling to get a custodial agreement and was basically a glorified babysitter at his exs whim.
I hope for your sake you do have a plan B in case this relationship does not work out. There is definetly something( MANY things) suspicious going on. You trust your instincts and if you feel uncomfortable say so. He shouldve stopped some thjngs years ago.
Why are you parenting his child? Cartoons? Breakfast? Facetime? No there is nothing wrong with loving a child but her father should be getting his butt up to feed her while you sleep.
Mother's day spent as a family with the EX!! He!! To the NO! They are not a family. They have never been a family( from what I gleaned about it).
There are many issues I see. If you want to stay I recommend these be worked out to your satisfaction first.
Even if they had been a
Even if they had been a family. Divorce effectively divided them into two. They shouldn't be acting like one when it's convenient. If they feel that strongly, they shouldn't have gotten divorced and should have stayed together "for the child" and left everyone else out of it. They made a decision to divorce and should no longer be even pretending to function beyond co-parenting. Which combined holidays is not a necessity for that, and just causes confusion for the child(ren).
time to put your foot down!
Time for b/f to set some boundaries. Tell him you feel uncomfortable when she is in the bedroom. Lock down your social media so she can't stalk you on it. Disengage from bm completely. If she has previously been such a hateful person to you why in the world would you need to meet her at all? your best bet is to distance yourself from her and I would also make sure your b/f isn't using you as some way to try to get bm jealous. This is sooo not a normal relationship.
What they all said ^^^^, and
What they all said ^^^^, and also this:
I have actually always gotten along with past BF's exes, oddly enough. I mean, I actually became good friends with them, and would call some of them my closest friends. I'm talking about guys I dated in the past, before my SO now. So I went into this thinking, BM can't be much different, right?
Wrong. BM's are a whole other level. Adding a divorce and children into the mix must make them crazy, because there is no way in hell I am ever going to have a relationship with our BM. She hated me from day one and her jealousy is palpable.That is a pretty common theme on this site. Most BM's view us as the enemy. They don't want us parenting their kids, and they certainly don't want their kids loving another woman. Accepting that right off the bat will help save you frustration and the energy spent trying to be her friend. Block her on Social Media (no good will come from it), and have communication go through your BF.
Your BF is having this relationship with BM because you are acting like it is fine, and let's be honest, breaking up is hard to do and sometimes it's easier to have one foot still in the door there. WHEN you tell him that you don't feel comfortable with it, if he respects your wishes and changes his actions, that is a good sign. If he doesn't and makes excuses, it probably means he's not ready to transition the relationship into strictly parenting and only necessary communications. Right now, it's inappropriate.
Hopefully you find helpful advice here, and welcome to Steptalk...but just a friendly head's up, it is kind of hard to read your post with all the abbreviations in it. I didn't quite understand what some of it meant.