So, on this week before Halloween, and after a weekend of particular inspiration, I have decided to peel back the latex, unzip the sternum and pull out the awful, nasty, sinister, selfish, wicked little me-monster that was wailing for attention today. I tried to keep it from getting to the keyboard, gave it a book, a hot shower, and a vodka soda, but its insatiable. (CRREEEAAaaaaak) Fly my pretty, Fly!!!

So we begin with another bout of the usual, SS pushes buttons Friday morning, successfully jerks my chain, which is unfortunately tethered to the bell which summons the beast. After angrily demanding the action previously requested, found the previous pattern of lies and battle pitching in play, so ss is kicked to the curb, almost littorally, to wait in the cold. I have come to the conclusion that the lying HAS to stop, especially since its about such stupid things as, I dont want to wear a coat, I dont want to eat vegetables, I want to play video games whenever I want, etc. Its sinister and wrong, but I expect greater lies and plots out of such a great, intelligent child. At least if his villianous plots were respect-worthy and not petty, Id have something to think about.

After releasing that morning's passion to DH via text, time and said venting cools my heels, and Im left until today when ss comes home from gmas and we finally remember, oh yeah, we wanted to discuss this before making a parental decision. Ultimately, whatever dh thinks is best is best, and thats fine, because he is strict when he wants to be - or when he knows I want him to be, but when we go out to walk the lands and discuss it, it uproots the old argument again, the only one that is a threat, and that is our family dynamic, per his perspective my relationsihp with ss, per mine his family's extensive resistance to supporting me as a parental figure until most recently, and not even as much as it probably should be now. still. Not that Im bitter or anything.

So Im sitting there, listing to the usual, not necessarily being berated, (FINALLY!!) but still thinking, "I could be really honest and say what Im thinking right now, but that would end badly, and I hate confrontation. I would much rather stew for days and go complain about it subversively in paragraph form online." Its not even so much complaining, its that awful, childish little impulse that comes up whenever you are in a negative spot, when you know what you should want, or do, and what you did to end up in that situation, your faults and responsibilities, when your boss is asking you why you didnt fill out those PTS forms correctly, and though you say, "Yes sir/mam, you're right," what you're really thinking is, "Maybe I didnt fill it out correctly because you're a big stupid-head butt and I should roll this form up tightly and stab you in the face with it? Hmmmm?" But you dont. Good you.

Well what I really, really, really, deeply, quietly, secretly, wanted to be brave enough to think but didnt even quite allow that, because that would be eentzy steps closer to actually thinking, which is almost like saying, which would just be wrong wrong wrong, is something along the lines of, . . . Um, maybe this would be better if, oh, I dont know, SS werent here? If you'd had half a mind when his crackwhore mother said Im giving it up for adoption when she called you three months later after 1 week of sorta-dating and instead of saying, "I'll take care of you!!" said, "Great! Have fun continuing to be a crackwore!" Wouldnt that be so much easier, like when he's not here and we're finally peaceful and easy and everything is fine and quiet and there's no drama or noise or egotistical bu\\S&$t or some loudmouthed self centered brat who hasnt done anything for anyone else without being told to since he was 5? It would be like that all the time! Wouldnt that be nice? If he was just never here? So we could actually build this happy life you keep expecting me to make for your mistake with legs, though I repeatedly try, even though no amount of work on my part will make up for the fact that your offspring is a total A$$H%&E?!? I mean, no, seriously, A$$H%&E. Totally would not be suprized to see him without friends, or beconme a bully, or other. Wouldnt it be so much easier, for ME to have MY life? The one I WANTED? With you?!? The one I fight for every day? I didnt knock up some doxy. I didnt marry someone for legal ease. I just helped you FIXED All of it, in some cases fixed it FOR you. YES I have my problems, YES I have my hangups and mistakes, but NONE of my mistakes will ever back talk you EVERY SINGLE DAY or Lie about something as stupid as a coat or homework. You have all this righteousness and honor but nothing will change the fact that bad choices were made, and now we have this jerk roomate as a result. I made it through and made my mistakes have a little impact as possible to our home, and my reward is - not the home and family and life I had always dreamed up as a happy girl, not the wedding Ive always wished for or family life I thought I should always have - this?!? Seriously? Id really rather have the years supply of augratin potatoes and the weed eater, thank you.

(Snarlgrowlgrowleringgrowlhisssss!!!) Alright little monster, are you satisfied now? (SNAP!) Ow! Bad me! Back in your socially acceptable box! Children are blessings and always good and pure! Its my fault things dont always go well! Proof is in the pudding; this is the only fight we ever have! See? Now no treat for you! Off the counter! (Spritzspritz) Go lie down!

Sigh. Id say I feel better, but I refuse to lie to a monitor, and I didnt mix this with chocolate, so I cant say I was really trying to improve. Just exorcize a little evil. After all, thoughts as vile as the above are truly evil,

arent they?

M.A.