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Does killing someone with kindness work?

Manda's picture

Submitted by Manda on Mon, 09/21/2009 - 2:11am

I've been told that I should kill the ex-wife with kidness but it's hard. I've taken in the horrible things that my FH, his family, friends, and neighbors have said about her and it's just really hard to feel all nice and fuzzy about his ex but I'll try....it'll be tough but I'll try!

Comments

Manda's picture

Submitted by Manda on Mon, 09/21/2009 - 2:23am

Yes, conflicted, but is that comment sarcastic or for real? SD, just like her mother, makes comments like that and thinks it is amusing to her, but it isn't it...it seems passive aggressive.

StepMomOfAdults's picture

Submitted by StepMomOfAdults on Mon, 09/21/2009 - 8:41am

I agree with the comment about treating her politely as a stranger. Don't count on kindness affecting her in a positive manner. Some people see kindness as weakness and an excuse to be nasty to them.
The only thing you can control is your response to other people's actions. Not theirs. Detach you emotions when at all possible.

squeegie_beckenheimer's picture

Submitted by squeegie_becken... on Mon, 09/21/2009 - 10:10am

You hit the nail on the head! You're right, killing their types with kindness backfires because they are narcissists & have huge egos. We learned that killing BM with kindness only made her think we were her buddies & that it was an open invitation to walk all over us. Either that or she saw it as condescending & then was even nastier to us. Being direct/no-nonsense with her (not mean or nasty like she is to us, but just telling it like it is) made her go off the deep end & become even nastier to us. She does not want anyone questioning anything she does or making suggestions on how to handle something (this was back when we did everything for the kids & she did nothing but took all the credit).

I've learned the only way to deal with BM is to pretend she doesn't exist 99% of the time. The few times we do have to deal with her, we act very cordial/business-like. Of course, this too irritates BM & she's nasty as a result, but it's obvious the only way BM won't be nasty towards us is if we always do everything she wants & treat her like a princess. Not happening! We both avoid dealing with her. We don't join in when SD9 talks about her; we just nod & change the subject. We don't ask SD9 questions about BM or anything to do with BM. As a bonus, since BM is a narcissist, dealing with her this way hurts her feelings. Ha!

bioandstep2009's picture

Submitted by bioandstep2009 on Mon, 09/21/2009 - 10:33am

Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. In my case, I think it did help to make things better with BM BUT, I grew resentful when I killed her with kindness only for her to not express the slightest bit of gratitude for the extra things I did to smooth things over between our houses. So now, I don't do anything above and beyond.

DISbelief's picture

Submitted by DISbelief on Mon, 09/21/2009 - 11:56am

In my case it WORKS, very well. Too well... she thinks I am her best friend, when all I do to provoke it is "be nice". It helps keep the waters calm though. But I can't see it working for everyone on this site. You have to test your own waters and see how it will work with her. Hell, it can't hurt right... and who knows it may just work Wink

DISbelief~

~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~ ; )