Really desperately need to vent.
I just joined 2 minutes ago but I need to vent now. I'm at the end of my tether and my DH is too.
I've been an SM for 18 months, I have 2 SD's, 10 and 12 years old.
My SD's BM was remarried when I met my DH. She was instantly hostile when she first heard about me but the real problems began when she discovered that I was moving in. It's been 18 months of sheer hell. False accusations have been made to our friends and family, to lawyers, the police and child services. Although the problems began when to get worse when I moved in most of the hostility is directed at DH.
BM has completely poisoned my eldest SD against us and she now refuses to even text us. My youngest SD lives with us permanently because her BM's behaviour was stressing her out so much. The BM has continually asserted that there is something wrong with the youngest child, first saying she had ADHD, then claiming she was autistic. My youngest SD is perfectly healthy. She sent her to a psychologist who found (in his opinion) that the situation with BM's behaviour was causing all the stress. Since she came to live with us she has settled down and is doing really well.
My eldest SD claims my DH has been bad-mouthing her BM, this is absolutely not true. My DH is a wonderful man and a brilliant Dad and this situation is breaking his heart. DH had a brilliant relationship before he met me and I feel so guilty even though I have tried so hard to find some way to get on with his ex.
So much more has happened but I had to just get some of this out quickly for cathartic purposes. I hope it's legible, I'm not used to the abbreviations used here.
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Comments
Hi and welcome. Well,
Hi and welcome. Well, sounds like you've just scratched the surface with your post. I would not worry that you have caused all this. I know it's easy to think that, but gosh it just sounds like your BM here has a lot of issues. The simple fact that you and dh have custody of the younger SD makes me think you should have custody of both. Maybe this lady is jealous of you or as someof the women on this post will say all BM's are crazee lunatics. I myself am a BM, and I'm not too off my nut, but it sounds like you've got a live one to deal with.
Keep your chin up and read some of these other posts. It helped me so much to read the posts on this site, it has saved my relationship with ss11. Literally. Reading posts and resopnses will help you put into perspective what you're dealing with. Its hard sometimes to have perspective when you've got so much emotion wrapped up with loving skids and dh's. Good luck and write some more!!
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your reply.
I wish I had found this place sooner. Reading the other posts does put things into perspective. I most definitely see that I am not alone.
I got a lot of concerned looks and supportive comments when people found out I was going to be a SM. Not that they didn't think I do it, but they knew then what I know now, that it can be a living hell.
I'm having a cry just now. Last night was a really sad night for us and for SD10. None of us can take this any more. We have tried in so many ways to stop this but we can't change BM's behaviour. I really wish she wouldn't tell her girls so much. They are given information that they can't cope with and that isn't even true to begin with.
BM refuses to speak to DH so the situation is at a stalemate. She has told so many lies that she is tripping herself up on them. She tells other people lies about us in the hope that they will no longer speak to us and therefore save her from being found out. Her greed and jealousy have caught her up in a viscious circle.
I broke down a bit last night. I felt like I just crumpled and didn't have any more energy or strength for all this crap. I had been trying to be strong for everyone but I can't do that all the time and nobody expects me to anyway.
BM seems to go through phases of being certifiably nuts then she will suddenly begin to act as though nothing has happened. She has even sent both DH and I texts with kisses on them!!! She seems to be genuinely happy when there is drama in her life and is very childlike. She will not accept that her behaviour has consequences and cannot seem to understand that her behaviour is affecting a lot of people.
I keep imagining what it will be like in the future if this keeps happening. I know in other families these problems can last for years, or just never stop at all. It frightens me.
We haven't seen or heard from SD12 for weeks. I want her back in our lives but at the same time I'm dreading it.
Thank you, I know you are
Thank you, I know you are right. It helps a lot to have someone tell me though.
New husband was dumped recently. We got a weird phone call from BM to tell us that although they are no longer living together they are still a couple but just not having sex. No clue why she felt the need to tell us that.
I tell myself every day that my SD's will realise what is happening one day. I really hope so.
Hello my SD11 gets to hear
Hello my SD11 gets to hear all sorts of thinkgs from her BM and then brings it back as a weapon against me when BD isn't around. I have taken all sorts of classes on kids with mental health issues, Nurturing shildren with Special needs. Do you think that the BM would ever think of taking one, NO WAY. Don't worry your SD12 will see the truth. Things always come out in the the wash and if they don't eventually they will. Be who you are stay true to yourself and by any means don't let this break you like I almost got broken. It isn't worth you getting hurt physically or mentally. As another post said you need to take care of you. I can't say how true that is even though you sound like a fixer as I am the same way. But we have to learn it took me a while but I had to learn that I can't fix everything. However I can choose to not let thing bother me. If you have to go into your room and relax when she is around you do it. If you need to start a hobby or visit a friend then do it. Don't become a prisoner like I did for so long and feel as this is all of your fault. Because it isn't! you are dealing with a person who is BITTER and is trying to cause you and your husband problems because their relationship didn't work out. It happend to me and still is. However I don't cry anymore I used too. Believe me I used too. I don't take my SD11 to counseling anymore because BD will not enforce nor will BM enforce. I fefuse to be the one always trying to fix. You take care of you and everything will eventually calm down and SD12 will see that you are a loving nurturing person who loves her father as much as she does. All you can do is pray for the BM. You can't change her. I hope my reply has helped. Being a stepmom is a very difficult job. Especially when you are a loving and caring person. Your SD12 BM should be ashamed of herself for bringing her children into her issues. However what can you do? You can't force her to shut her mouth. It happpens in my world too. I get trashed all the time by my SD, BM and her B family. But you know what? I have friends and family and they all no who I am. And they no who she is, too. You will see it will get easier for you. But very important! Take care of yourself! You can't help anyone or be in a good state of mind if you are not at peace or stressed out. I know it sounds easier said than done. I too thought I will fix things then get help for me. Well I suffered more and darlin you don't need to suffer. I wished that I would have found this place a long time ago. However I stumbled onto it last night. Read my post if you want maybe it will make you feel better. I joined a woman's dinamics group and I loved it. It really helped me realize that I had the power to love but to also stand back when I need too. If you are being accused you say show me the proof. I am again sorry that this is so fresh and you are in pain. Hopefully some of this and others advice will help you.