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H`s eldest daughters newest phase with me

Disillusioned's picture

Submitted by Disillusioned on Mon, 09/09/2013 - 8:31am

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Adult Stepchildren

H's eldest daughter goes through 'cycles' with me. Years of open hostility from her, disrespect, rude behavior, participates in relational aggression (so glad I learned this term from StepAside Smile ) etc.. then she will turn around and seemingly behave in a civil polite manner to me. This also can go on for a few years before she switches and goes back to openly behaving like and infantile step-monster

H's eldest has recently switched from step-monster to actively pretending to be civil and polite. She's in her 'I'll be nice to you because you are with my father but you personally hold no value for me' routine

In the past I misunderstood it for her growing up and and overcoming her issues (jealous and resentful about H's relationship with me) only to warm up to her again, continue falling over backwards wanting to form a relationship with her, stupidly convinced myself our step family life would finally settle down and work well, only to have H's eldest flip the tables on me once again and revert back to infantile, }:) behavior

This time round I have remained disengaged. I still make no effort to have anything to do with her on the occasions I see her. I don`t participate in discussions with her, don`t initiate any conversation, show no interest in her life (other than any stranger I might meet) Now H`s eldest has cranked it up - with an obvious catch. It`s the catch that clues me in to her once again }:) conniving, infantile, back-stabbing behaviour

H`s eldest will insert herself now in conversations I`m having with others, seemingly to happily agree or participate in the discussion. She will pretend to go out of her way to be super nice `can I get you a drink Disillusioned` `here is a comfy chair for you``saw this great website with deals on it you might like`etc... etc... of course I`m completely uncomfortable as this is not the relationship we have had for the last few years AND most importantly I have become comfortably `safe` in my detachment from her and now prefer it that way

However, while H`s eldest will make all this ``effort`` to be civil and `sweet`` she will make it abundantly clear that I`m an outsider and not at all part of her ``family`` by discussing anything about SGS or related to SGS or any of H`s family to H only, beginning every single sentence (and ending if possible) with the word DAD to make it clear: ``Dad did you see SGS`s report card`` and promptly take it to H and give it to him to look at although I`m right beside him. ``SGS, show grandpa your new school outfits` `SGS was soooo excited you were coming to see him DAD`` ``Dad, did you see SGS`s newest pictures`` or when we are at a family event with H, Fil and H`s sister ``I have pictures of SGS for you DAD, Papa and Auntie`` Grrrr!

Good thing for disengagement. I know H`s eldest will never give up trying to get to me. I simply ignore, ignore, ignore Smile

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Mon, 09/09/2013 - 8:47am

I guess the question begs, what did you initially want from a relationship with her? Did you want to be friends?

As many others will tell you, that Rarely. Ever. Happens.

Tons of uncivilized behavior can make otherwise normal situations seem unnormal. Situations like showing dad SGS' report card, saying "Dad, Sgs had such a great time with you," etc.

You can disengage from her without being a doormat. Meaning, don't have a relationship with her, but don't take her crap either. If she gives you the stink eye, ask her loudly, "sd, what's in your eye?"

Disillusioned's picture

Submitted by Disillusioned on Mon, 09/09/2013 - 9:43am

Initially Anon2009 as a new and naive SM yes I had high hopes of great relationships with H`s daughters. Of course, as time went on and I saw what H`s eldest was really like :jawdrop: I realized that yes that would absolutely no way be happening

I know it seems normal that H`s eldest would simply want to show her father her son`s report card and as I am not her mother or SGS`s grandmother I`m excluded. But it`s the sheer regularity of how she throws SGS or `blood`` family in my face. Based on her past history, along with ongoing infantile behavior sadly I know H`s eldest takes as much pleasure in trying to make me feel like an outsider as she might in trying to have H bond with SGS

I disengaged a long time aga and have been comfortable with it. Guess it was easier when she was openly hostile and everyone could see what she was doing. Now that she`s back to the ``I`ll be nice to you for the sake of my dad but stab you in back as much as I can`` routine, it is more difficult to ignore. Her attempts at being civil mean I must suck it up and respond to a polite question or offer from her :sick:

But I`m still on to her. Other than politely responding when she speaks to me I`m determined to continue avoiding her non-stop. She is just bad bad energy!

I do like your `what`s in your eye comment though`:)

sandye21's picture

Submitted by sandye21 on Mon, 09/09/2013 - 11:17am

I went through this for decades and it is tough. It is covert hostility. She's sweetsie-sweetsie to you in front of other people (especially DH), giving them the impression you are the one with the problem. If you remain disengaged while around SD and other people you may appear hostile. It may be hard, but next time she inserts herself in a conversation you are having with others say something like,"Oh, you're being nice to me now." This will clue others in that all is not as it seems. When she makes statements which exclude you from SGS, act distracted as if you didn't catch what she said, like it wasn't important enough to register. When DH goes over to visit her stay home.

Disillusioned's picture

Submitted by Disillusioned on Mon, 09/09/2013 - 3:18pm

Wow StepAside - your SM sounds like a total monster. You have been far too nice to her, I`d totally disengage.

From my H`s eldest daughter`s perspective, the only thing I`ve ever done is come along and steal away her place with daddy. Of course this isn`t the case but this is how she feels about it. She is full of hatred, rage and anger. She is an absolute mini-wife thrawted and spends every day planning her next tactic at paying me back. She is one of the small percentage of people out there who actually DO wake up wishing harm on others. No wonder her most favorite series is Revenge LOL! Believe me when I say I want nothing to do with her

My issue isn`t that she has been as disengaged from me as I eventually became with her, he disengagement from me is wonderful. My issue is her nasty conniving evil little tricks to set me up. Something I`m sure you would never do to your SM....at least if she had of been one who was decent and kind to you

My H`s eldest has zero reason for these games, the exclusion from her is not because she just doesn`t care, it`s a deliberately planned back-stabbing ploy to set me up to look bad. Always

I see through her which is good. Doesn`t matter how much she now tries to appear to be to be civil and trying. I see through her. I continue to be disengaged....but leery rightfully so as she is always planning a trap

Disillusioned's picture

Submitted by Disillusioned on Mon, 09/09/2013 - 6:22pm

Wow StepAside, I really feel for you Sad

You're a strong person and I can see why....you have been through so much!

Your disengagement from your situation, and great advice to so many of us here, has helped so many

Don't know what to say other than I feel for you, relate a lot to your situation, and totally heed advice from you because I know you have totally been there and done that!

Thanks!