His teens rule the roost
My bf is separated and in the process of finalizing his divorce. Recently told me that his teens said they would never want a step parent . I feel like this comment is making an impact with us eventually moving forward together. His kids get whatever they want, are never told no and basically run the show. Is my bf wrong for ending our relationship or not having it move forward until his kids are done with school? Done with college? Married and habe their own !Ives? I have a teen myself and our parenting styles are very different. I can't imagine my son telling me what I can or can't do .Advice?
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I do believe I am the love of
I do believe I am the love of his life and I love him .
The love of his life?
He has teenage kids and is seperated. How long was his first marriage? Please, say you two love each other, but dont say you are the love of his life in front of his kids.
If you are the love of his l
he doesn’t let his kids dictate things. My husband was so emotionally robbed from exwife that he needed to be on his own after the divorce. It took him 5 years plus before taking that chance to get to know me (introduced by a mutual friend who works with him). Even with the pas and skid/exwife issues, never did he allow skids dictate things.
sd who were kidnapped by bio mum 6 yrs ago and cut off contact (hubby didn’t know where they were or have any way to contact them) well they re-initiated contact last yr with hubby trying to guilt him from moving on with me. Thats what they called it.
“You moved on and have a new wife, new kids, new family new life”
meanwhile sd ran off ceasing contact and thats all ok because we blame mum 100% but we won’t blame her as she had a rough life because daddy destroyed it divorcing her so that excuses everything.
i have tried to support hubby as best i can and encourage he address these issues and not run away from it. He needs to stand up for himself as he’s admitted he’s too afraid skids threatening to run away and use that as a guilt tactic
They may need time
I dont know how long your BF has been physically seperated. IMHO, good parents do not discuss with their kids their marital problems, so the kids may not have seen this coming until the actual seperation. The kids may need time to process this, and they may need help. Comparing with your kid may not be the same -- you may have seperated from your ex years ago. Even if you were not dating your BF, and even if you did not even know him til he was seperated, his kids may regard you as related to the divorce.
I did not date till my divorce was final, and I didn't look for serious relationships for a while after that. Everyone is different. I know people here who state that they dated seperated men with kids, not certain if any of those men have a good relationship with the kids (but that could be for a number of reasons). YMMV,
You can either continue seeing him, but not expect to live together for a while, or back off.
Staround thank you! The
Staround thank you! The separation shouldn't have been a surprise to his kids. They knew for 10+ years that my bf and his wife weren't happy, didn't get along . We haven't talked about introducing each other to them, because we both realize the stress and change that divorce brings on kids . I guess I'm just more surprised that my bf reaction seems to be to support the kids not wanting of a step parent one day my kids are just as important to me but my kids don't make rules that impact my life ..
How in the world do you know what his kids think
And how do you know that your BF did not get along with his wife for 10 years? Have you been in his life that long? Are you only hearing his side of things?
ETA -- OP, I dont think you are an awful person, I think you are getting played
I would never say that in
I would never say that in front of his kids
I am be!ieving what he is
I am be!ieving what he is telling me . I have no reason not to trust him . They tried counseling a few times, he wanted to leave but felt stuck due to finances and guilt over kids. When my bf told his oldest he said, I expected this to happen when I was in second grade .
Bitter sweet ending.
No kid wants a step parent. Everyone wants their parents to stay together. His kids actually verballing telling him that and him breaking up with you is a huge red flag, let him go.
I was in a very controling and abusive marriage with a total narristist. Our son had no idea what I endured, I hide it well from eveyrone especially him, the only person that knew was my sister. He saw minor things close to the end but my son had no idea, and he still does not know it all.
He has been accepting of me with my new partner/dh and his father with his new partner(not married). If me and my ex could be married and happy together I am sure my son would love that.
Your BF has so much guilt and gets direction from his kids on what to do with his life and then follows it. He is not ready for any relationship and /or marriage.
My skid24 woudl perfer that his dad has not with me, however he hints but does not out right say it, and things are still very difficult.
It hurts right now however I think him ending things is for the best. Especailly for you.
If it’s true that His teens rule the roost
You have no future with this man. You really will not want a future with him. It’s really important to find out how true this is.
If you were the love of his
If you were the love of his life, he'd put his kids in their place to be with you. And YES, a second/third wife CAN and SHOULD come first in a man's life.
If he isn't the kind of person who can make clear to his kids that while he understands their sadness about the divorce, it happened and he's moving on as he hopes their mother will, and they need to accept that, then he isn't ready to date someone.
AND, there's always a chance that the kids' mother is behind some of their anger, too, and if that's the case, then it won't get better any time soon. Even if she initiated a divorce, she might still have trouble seeing him move on.
Please don't fall prey to this "But I looooove him" stuff. There are lots of men you can love out there, and the good ones will be able to put you first.
Priorities
A second or third wife is the wife and is important. Children and wives are different and the love for each is differnt should not be compared. Presumably dad does not want to drive either out of his life.
According to OP, the divorce has not occured yet. Which is important, they may need time.
As to whether the mom is driving this, may or may not be true, not certain how relevant.
ETA -- even if you think the ex is to blame, starting a new relationship early may exacerbate issues
Its ironic, one of the many
Its ironic, one of the many reasons my bf is divorcing and the marriage failed was his w always put the kids first . he said to her, one day its must going to be us and she continued to cater to the kids. Now he is letting them dictate his life BTW I don't think this is new, the kids have always gotten whatever they have wanted from both parents . They are entitled
I heard the same.exact.thing
from Chef. The reality is they are both Disney/Guilty parents...RED FLAG!!!!! BM was during the marriage and now biodad is going to "compete" with the BM for the title of "Fun Parent Who Shall Forsake All Others."
You will end up as the enemy and be treated as such by the BM, skids and yes, the "love of your life," i.e. biodad. Trust me on this one!!!!!!!!!!