Better?

I'm not really sure how to take parts of this. But in an odd way I guess I feel better after what BF said.

I sent a text message telling BM if she had a problem and wanted to talk I was open to it. I mostly sent it because I am sick of the bullshit she pulls towards me. I guess she finally decided to address the problem. She called BF and told him to tell me, because she couldn't call me on her own I guess, that she wanted me to remember who SD1's mother is. And that her problem with me was that she thinks I don't know the difference between being a mother and just a fathers love. Ok? That confused me. But BF being the good guy he can be told her that she should still talk to me if she has a problem.

When talking to BF about it he told me that BM was being immature and that he knows that I am well aware that I am not SD1's mom. He spent the day holding me and telling me that he loved me. He said that she will grow up a lot once we are married and that she will deal with the bullshit on her own. But I'm better because I know he really is there for me. But kinda pissed at BM because she wont address me with her problems. IDK, I guess I was just taught if you have a problem tell the person its about. But BF has been well warned that if she treats me like I piece of shit again I will say something and she will not like it. So I guess we will see how everything turns out...

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She should really talk with

She should really talk with you. The child is so young and she is missing a good opportunity to have a good relationship with a woman in SD1s life.

I get where BM is coming from though. When I had BS3 I had a realization of what BM meant when she said something similar. He was MY baby, I grew him, I labored him, I loved him more than any other person possibly could....

It was important to me to be acknowledged as the mom of this child. I talked to my sister about it and she told me that everyone feels this way when the child is so young. As the child gets older the more the feelings of "ownership" relax. And they did. They did for me. They did for BM. Now that SD is older she realizes I am just trying to help in any way I can--for SD.

Hopefully over time, when SD gets older, BM will have the same realization.

I haven't thought of it that

I haven't thought of it that way. Thank you for sharing this. It gives me a new idea and how to think about it.

Life isn't about the days you have, its about what you do with the days you have.

I agree with SM2One here.

I agree with SM2One here. Especially if that is her only child. The new hasn't quite worn off yet. I am sure she didn't imagine being single when she got pregnant, and these things take time to adjust. I hope that you two are able to talk. Having a 1 year old going between two homes can be stressful on the kid. It is important to check in with each other, and sometimes DAD's are as "in tune" with a childs needs as a woman is, mom OR stepmom.

Just like SM2One, BM in my case settles down more with each passing year. Especially now that SS can speak for himself and she KNOWS that HE KNOWS who his mom is.

DISbelief~

~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~

I agree with SM2one and

I agree with SM2one and DISbelief.

I'm not a BM, but I come from a stepfamily situation (my parents are long divorced) and I know that my mom and my stepsiblings' mom had some of these issues in the beginning. I think it helped that my mom is a BM too so she could relate in that way to my stepsiblings' BM. Over the years, my mom and stepsiblings' BM became good friends.

Have kids of any age go between two homes can be stressful on anyone involved with a stepfamily situation.

It would be great if you and BM could sit down and talk. You could reassure her that you're not trying to replace her as SD's mom, and you think that she's a great mom. You are just one more person in SD's life who loves her.

it is important that her DH

it is important that her DH explain that she is the mom of the house so she does TREAT the child the way a mother would, however, no one could ever forget who the BM is--ever. Even a 1 yr old knows who his mom is. She has no reason to worry---though I am sure she will for a few more years.

She is obviously an insecure

She is obviously an insecure person. You know you are not the BM and usually the sk's know it too (with this one being so young maybe not yet)The only one who seems to need reassurance is the BM. It's really sad actually. I have the same issues. She tells the kids, she is not your mother, hear it from your father. My husband told the kids that I am not their mother, I don't claim to be their mother nor do I want to be their mother, however, when you are in our care and our house you will give her the respect she deserves and she is going to care for you like any mature adult would with children in thier care. In this house she is the mother figure. The kids have no problems at all with any of this. Just their bitch mother. Instead of texting her, call her directly and put her on the spot.

omg, lynneranne, are you me?

omg, lynneranne, are you me? are we living the same life just a few years apart? if so, i have a message for you/us/me, don't drink all that wine while watching comedy central at your friend's house that one thursday night coming up in a few years, friday morning will suck if you do, and friday afternoon, and friday evening even.

seriously, though. same exact thing happened to me. it's probably harder for you now because you can't have a conversation with SD, but I told mine that i wasn't trying to replace her mom and that helped as far as the kids go. BM is still a monster, though. and still feels threatened. i even play it up when i feel like it. but, yeah, i constantly get the same message through my husband 'tell that little wife of yours that she needs to remember who the mother is.' yep, that's pretty much verbatim. first it was 'little skank' or 'little slut,' then i get promoted to 'little girlfriend' or 'slutty/skanky girlfriend' and now's it's 'little wife.' can I get business cards for that? 'little wife: forgetting who the mother is since 2005.'

i used to get the same bs through the kids as well, but luckily they don't listen to her anymore, well, except for the one dumb one, er, i mean, special one. seriously, though. i love him, but he is too much like his mother and that is no bueno when the two of them get together, a terrible momma's boy. now, for the most part, the kids just see for themselves what is going on and we don't have to say anything or fight off what BM says to them. they still say, 'mom said blah, blah, blah' but now we just shrug our shoulders and they say, 'i know, weird, right?' 'yeah, that is kinda weird that your mom said that i was a three eyed alien since obviously you can see that i am not, but oh well, right' 'yeah, oh well'

you can't reason with bm (that's in my other comment too). when she gets like this, i ignore it, laugh, get upset, reply or have my husband reply. usually if she's trying to tell us what to do, he replies with, you can't tell us what to do, because, legally, she's can't, it's in our court order. if it's really outrageous, i laugh. if i'm too busy, i ignore it. if it hits a nerve for whatever reason, i get upset and spiral down into a bad place, but i usually come back quick, and that is when i get fiesty, in the kindest possible way, of course showering the kids with affection in front of her, telling them how much i appreciate their hugs and kisses and reminiscing about what a great time we just had together. that's the worst thing i could do to her because i know it kills her. and, as far as replying directly to her, it's only happened a few times and i say the same thing i say to my SD, 'I'm not their mom. I know I'm not their mom. I'm not trying to be their mom. I'm trying to be nice and help them. I would think that a mom would want other people to be nice to and help her kids.' Another thing i like to say but have never said it to the kids or her, only to my husband and other friends is this, "I could give the kids a flying unicorn that shits rainbows and it still wouldn't trump their mom."

so, yeah, on another note, why so little custody time for your BF/FH?

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