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Safety issue ?

Lynneamay44's picture

After today's incident with my SS I am concerend.( This is one of many issues we've been dealing with  in the past several weeks. Everything from calling  me a fat cow, swearing, other other issues)
My SS who has ASD tripped  ( on purpose ) my 14 year old down a flight of stairs. 
My daughter fell down head first. As soon as I saw what was happening I tried to get past my SS to get to her. All  my SS did was block the stairs and grin. I tried to push past him to help my daughter who  was laying on the ground crying in pain unable to get up. I finally picked up my 10 year old SS and physically moved him to get to my child. 
I told DH about this issue and he understood. With  that being said DH gave my SS "light" punishment. .
 

At the end of the day DH and I did get into an argument about SS.
DH defence "I am trying my best, what else can I see do?! What do you want me to say?... That I wish my son wasn't born?! Yes some days I wish he wasn't. I get he has no empathy, I get he is screwed up. His mom doesn't help. She can't disapline. I'm trying. What's your solution not having him around? He's still my flesh and blood."

I am at a loss!! I can't stand my SS, and after today I despise him.  He's such a disrespectful human being! 

At this point I am at a loss, what do I do?
 I'm ready  to break down in in tears once again.  
 

Safety issue!!?Am I wrong ? 

Comments

Winterglow's picture

Easy, if HE isn't there, his son isn't there. He goes back to, or stays at his mother's. It isn't your job to constantly watch him to make sure he doesn't maim or kill one of your kids. And your kids shouldn't have to live in fear of him. 

Winterglow's picture

I just wanted to add that soon this kid is barely manageable as it is at age 10. Imagine the Hell it will be once he's a teen and much bigger. Imagine the means of doing harm he'd have then ... I don't think your husband understands at all.

Aunt Agatha's picture

It doesn't sound like DH is doing any better than BM at keeping this kid in line.  Agree with Winterglow - time for DH to have visitation outside the home.  His son is a danger to your family.  Until he's able to control himself, SS doesn't get to be around your kids.

lieutenant_dad's picture

"DH, I won't put my own child at risk. You and SS need to find somewhere else to live when it's SS's time with you."

Perhaps putting it that bluntly will make your DH step up and parent, monitor, or get help (which may just be SS being institutionalized). Even if it doesn't, you owe it to your child to not have to live with someone who hurts them just so you can keep a husband. That will be where you fail as a parent.

simifan's picture

I wholeheartedly agree. It's time to think of your own child & for them to go. Falling down the stairs could kill someone. I can't imagine being 14 & my parents leaving me in a household where I am abused and they do nothing to end it. 

Lynneamay44's picture

I have thought about my kids ! This is why now SS is not aloud in our home without his dad being there. When he goes to the store SS goes with. 
Trust me I've lost sleep over this. These are my kids and I am their mom. It's my duty to protect them

lieutenant_dad's picture

DH just showed that he can't protect your kids even when he is there, and that it won't be long before you can't protect them, either. SS BLOCKED you from getting to your child. He'll eventually be big enough where you won't be able to physically move him.

This needs to be the Come to Jesus moment with your DH. His "best effort" isn't good enough. No more arguments with you. He can't guarantee your kids' safety, so out both of them need to go. Not saying you need to divorce, but having SS stay with you is no longer an option.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

^^^THIS!

Rumplestiltskin's picture

This DH brings six kids with him! Meaning, if he takes SS elsewhere for visitation, OP has to watch his other 5, at least one other of which also has severe behavior problems per her last blog. This does not sound like a good arrangement. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Then DH and all 6 kids go with him. Having read her other blogs, there are several issues that need to be addressed in this marriage. None of it is easy to address, but now is the perfect time to lay it all out there and tell her DH enough is enough.

Lynneamay44's picture

Is it reasonable for me to ask DH to have visitations 2 days a week out of the home? DH has been working on other issues in the marriage. I gave him an ultimatum last week. If things don't work he needs to move out till he can fix things. 
I do love him but my kids come first. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

It's absolutely reasonable to tell him visitation needs to happen elsewhere now that one of his kids has purposefully hurt yours (and prevented you from helping them to boot). If he doesn't find it reasonable, then you need to leave those two days each week when your kids are there. Either way, your children need to stop interacting.

Other options would be to talk to your ex about having the kids when DH has his kids so none of them are together in the home. Since it seems your DH and XH have a good enough relationship to coordinate a coup against you at Christmas, then perhaps your XH will be willing to make this change work.

Winterglow's picture

What is reasonable is him ensuring that his kid or kids is/are not in a position to voluntarily harm anyone else. How he does it is immaterial. 

justmakingthebest's picture

My SS has ASD. He has no empathy- I get that part, but he isn't cruel. Your SS has more than I would be able to pin on ASD, in my own experience of course. Your SS has not just been passive or careless when your Daughter hurt herself, he hurt her. On purpose. That is not something that you as a parent can just overlook. Something BIG has to be done about this.Your job as a mother is to keep your kids safe, if you husband won't step up and help you do that when it is his kid inflicting pain- it is time to leave. Maybe not the marriage but leaving the home- yes. 

Also- punishments do work with kids on the spectrum. Actually I think they work better than with my other kids. When something directly has an effect on his life and his satisfaction it makes him mad. Mad is an emotion that I can work with. I can get things through to him when he isn't getting his way. Then he has to ride out the punishment. 

 

Lynneamay44's picture

So after reading everyone's comments and taking it in. I called both ex's and HD to come speak to us. 
I laid it all out ! I said due to the behaviours my children can no longer interact with SS, till these behaviours have been dealt with. I mean dealt with by therapy and possibly medication. 

If this doesn't work due to schedules then HD will have visitations out of the home. BM attempted to raise a stink but after I laid into her on why SS is behaving in this manner, she agreed. 
I also said no to Xmas ! I'm done being a pushover, I'm done with my kids being affected. My kids deserve so much better. 
I made the choice to take on 6 extra kids and it's my choice to say no more ! 
HD finally agrees and said he will no longer expect this of me, nor will he allow his kids to be here when mine are here. 
As for Xmas there is no reason why we cant share the holiday separately.