putting them in their place

ok so love4lemons said that i can get advice here on puting the sds in their place. so how do you guys do it? can it even be done if my husband doesn't agree with what i'm doing? (taking the room)

lucija's blog
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Head desk. Head desk. Head

Head desk. Head desk. Head desk. Head desk.

I feel like pounding my head

I feel like pounding my head against the desk.

I only READ the blogs and I

I only READ the blogs and I feel like doing that. How many times have you told her what to do and how to do it?

And WHERE does she live that the police don't come unless someone dies?? SERIOUSLY??

Well, it's not South Africa. From her spelling of "behaviour" in her first post, I think it's a former British colony. SA has those issues with cops. So maybe another place like that. But she won't say. And how are we to understand her circumstances if she won't share pertinent info? We are responding as westerners with things like "get a better job" which is good advice in the US, UK, etc....

ok - what info you need? i

ok - what info you need? i can tell you everything about that, i just don't feel comfortable saying the name of the country/region. even if i told you,you'd still have to ask about it because there's not much info online in english.

seriously does that matter so

seriously does that matter so much ? i'll give the info you guys need,i'm just not comfortable with giving all info like the names.

I understand that you are

I understand that you are trying to stay anonymous. That is the nature of ST. But you could give us some information in your posts. I think most of us thought you were in the UK originally. Maybe you are. My suggestion is to give as much info as you can without giving yourself away. We shouldn't have to dig to uncover your story. Say things in your posts like "I live in a country where jobs are scarce so much that cleaning lady is a good job." We would've known none of that had we not challenged you. That might be our western bias but we can't help in a vacuum. And we certainly can't help if you won't help yourself.

they don't. they don't

they don't. they don't consider the baby their sibling.

ok - the info is that this country used to be communist, after it was done with it it became very corrupted, no money no jobs no pays, paycheck always very small and comes late, the authority takes everything, we don't have a say at all.. you get a job if you have connections, even then it's hard.. houses are expensive,rents are unimaginable..food is pricy , clothes as well.. even the cheapest things aren't so cheap.. you can't find a way to earn.

children aren't parented much,so something that is normal in the western world would be considered crazy clingy parenting here..

it's just very different and that's why i have to "shoot down" most suggestions..i'm really sorry about that but it's hard to apply ideas to a situation like this. it's complex.

OK. That helps. You are in a

OK. That helps.

You are in a non-English speaking country and you seem to be prolific in the language. You do not sound like someone who speaks it as a second language. So it's hard for us to understand what's really going on here. You are not stupid or uneducated if this is real.

I have asked you multiple times why you can't just sit down and lay this out to your husband. You say he is not abusive (physically at least because he is emotionally by doing this to you). You say you are stuck financially. OK. But you have power! If he isn't abusive, why not tell him you really need a baby nursery in order to feel sexually attracted to him? Women have used this from the dawn of time to make men react the way they want. I think it should be used as a last resort but dammit woman, I wouldn't want to have sex with my man with my baby there. Why not tell him that you and your baby deserve RESPECT?

I am seriously not understanding this. And I want to. It just feels like you want to be a doormat and want us to agree with that decision. We won't darling. I won't for sure.

It is a second language. i'm

It is a second language. i'm not uneducated, definitely not.

use sex as a tool? that's disgusting, i cant do that!
and i dont think he would fuck up his relationship with daughters for sex.

and what logic does it have? i need a nursery to feel attracted to him? that's just..weird

I don't WANT to be a doormat. i just need ways to stop being one and its HARD. if i cant move out i have to find a way to make this work.

What can we suggest that

What can we suggest that would be a possibility?

Also, what is your definition of using sex as a tool if I may ask?

i'm not sure what to say

i'm not sure what to say about that. but it IS my second language.

What ann said

I can't take anything from

I can't take anything from them because I'M NOT THEIR PARENT.
I said this already. i cant do anything. only their father can and he will NOT.

The 9 year old does what they do. so if i ask her for help, she'll go ask them if she can do it. if they say no,she just won't.
because whenever she tries to be nice to me,they start ignoring her. "go to lucija if you like her so much, don't bother us now" and she just never does that.

i already AM doing that because it doesn't fit elsewhere. he says that's fine. "our baby, why wouldn't it have stuff in our room?" yet I feel uncomfortable about it.

SERIOUSLY!?!?!? how the fuck

SERIOUSLY!?!?!?

how the fuck do i take things that are not mine from kids that are not mine ?!

are you serious? i don't parent them, i can't do anything

it's not a goddamn excuse, do you take other kids stuff?? no? well me either

i can't take anything because

i can't take anything because i don't give anything.

disengaged.
don't cook for them.
don't clean for them.
don't talk to them.
don't take things from them.
don't deal with them.

i can't take anything. my husband gives it to them. he wants them to have it all. he's the one that can take it.
he's their parent. if he doesn't want things taken, it won't be taken. i can take their things and he can give them back easily.
without him backing me up it can't be done because i'm not their parent and not their authority.

he says its THEIRS. He says its not his, its THEIRS.

and really... can't you just understand that? i'm not their parent.

because their father says

because their father says that he's the only one that can discipline them, not me because they're his children

what aren't you understanding

what aren't you understanding here?!
i'm not their parent or their guardian.
i can't do ANYTHING. they're not obliged to listen to me.
their father says they only need to listen to him and their mother when they're with her.
they're NOT going to take any discipline from me.
i can't discipline a kid against their parent's will.
i take a thing, he gives it back. nothing i can do about it because it's not my kid or my thing.

taking things from someone is

taking things from someone is disciplining ,right?

well i'm not refusing to do it. i said i'll take a room

I'm confused as to exactly

I'm confused as to exactly what you are asking here, what is your question{s}?

Thank you!!! That is EXACTLY

Thank you!!! That is EXACTLY where I keep landing with this. What does she want from us???

And where do I go when I

And where do I go when I leave?

stay

You really want to know? You

You really want to know? You wait until you're alone with them, bend down to their level and whisper, "I can make it look like an accident. Do you feel lucky?"

/sarcasm.

bend to their level? the

bend to their level? the older two are taller than me.
and that sounds exactly like something they would say.

-.-

I think I have to check out

I think I have to check out of this. I want to scream right now and run away with your baby.

For the love of God and your baby, start standing up for yourself, PLEASE.

so how , NOT including sex?

so how , NOT including sex? if he just plain disagrees

Why is sex off the table?

But i want to have sex!

But i want to have sex! that's just taking it away from me too!

i'm saying i don't want sex

i'm saying i don't want sex to be a tool or something just for his pleasure..

i want sex when i want sex and i'm not going to use it as a tool OR something just for him.
if i'm horny i want sex. if i'm not, i'm not having it even if he wants it.
i'm not having it for a room or not having it for lack of a room.
if i feel like having sex, i'm going to have sex. if i don't, i'm not.
and that's all there is to my view of sex. not a tool, and not related to rooms.
feel horny= want sex.

and no, i wouldn't have sex with a baby in the room. wtf.

and i don't consider that abuse..they don't hit me

Hi Lucija I can understand

Hi Lucija

I can understand the position you are in. I knew a woman from a country like the one you describe and her husband is very similar. She is trapped. She cannot leave even if she wanted to because her husband would hunt her down and make her life a misery. Law and order in such countries is very different from the Western world. BTW I am not talking about the Middle East, but former communist/Iron Curtain/Eastern bloc countries.

(NB: many people communicate via the written word in English as a second language so well you would not even know it was their second language. I have known a few through my line of work.)

I personally have never found sex to be a very useful tool for changing other aspects of a man's behaviour/actions and thinking. So I understand your reaction to others' suggestions about this.

I understand that you feel your hands are tied and you cannot just go and take over one of the upstairs rooms without major repercussions, that you are afraid of.

Are you able to discuss the situation with your husband? If you are unable to even do that, then it seems your only options are to make an escape plan (using friends or relatives to help) or put up with the status quo until your husband decides your baby needs her own room and works out what to do about it. Which could be a couple of years. What is most important to you?

Thank you! I am able to

Thank you!

I am able to discuss it, it's a very calm discussion, no yelling, no threats, nothing, he just says he disagrees with me.

i don't really need an escape plan, he's not a man that would hunt me down, it's just that I couldn't live on my own right now. no money, no home..very hard.

thank you once again!

I think your biggest issue is

I think your biggest issue is not needing to put your SD in their place but to get you and your husband on the same page when it comes to parenting. Given the fact that you are living in a different culture than some of us here that may be difficult to do. God knows it is nearly impossible for many of us to do regardless of where we are from. Eventually the issue of having the baby in the same room with you and DH is going to directly affect him and that may be what it takes for him to agree that the third room should be the babies room. Why? Because baby is going to grow into a talking toddler and I have yet to meet a man who is OK with having sex while a toddler is leaning over the railing of their scrub asking what are you doing. If getting him to hear you out isn't happening and you are unable to leave you next best option is to ride it out . Its too bad that he isn't taking your feelings into consideration and I can imagine it makes you feel unimportant. Nothing is worse than knowing your husband doesn't have your back. I feel for you.

* crib not scrub... stupid

* crib not scrub... stupid phone

But I don't want to say no to

But I don't want to say no to sex?! that's not a way to deal with things and i want sex. i'm not using it as a tool.
it's not like i have sex just for his pleasure. i want it too

yeah and what if the older two just carry baby stuff out and the 9year old stuff back in ?!
that's very likely to happen and i don't know how would i deal with that. my problem is not just doing it, my problem is what comes after that.

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putting them in their place

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